Sunday, October 29, 2006

Breaking Point

Do y'all remember back in August when I said I had literally lost my best friend? I'd had a post in draft that I'd started working on, but never finished it or posted it, obviously. It was just one of those things I didn't want to get into too much on here, so I've been quietly dealing with it on my own. Well, no more! What follows is what I wrote to her in a handwritten letter, with thoughts of mailing it to her parents' house, where I know she'd eventually get it. I haven't mailed it seems I have more stuff to say due to new happenings. Your thoughts and opinions are welcome. Oh yeah, I'm going to include her actual first name. (but not her last because I'm not stupid...I don't wish any harm to her!) I just don't care anymore. Well, that might not be entirely true, but this way if she ever googles herself she'll find this post even if I don't end up mailing this letter to her. Also, the particular incident I refer to in the letter occured just the weekend before I ended up in the hospital with appendicitis. Which by the way, she didn't know about...or MrKB's Mom having her brain tumors...that happened the weekend AFTER my surgery. Shitty few weekends there, lemme tell ya! I'm going to type the letter in red, because it represents how I've felt all this time. I will put additional comments to help explain to y'all various parts in my normal purple color.

Dear Matoaka, October 20, 2006

I'm writing this letter because I've had a lot of things on my mind, and I never seem to have the chance to sit down and talk to you about them. Kinda hard to do anyway since I've only seen you the one time in the past two months. (After she really screwed up royally, we didn't see or hear from her for that long.)

First of all, let me say a few things about what happened that last weekend that you and Nick were here. Now, while we can't prove whether it was you OR Nick who took ALL THE CASH WE HAD LEFT, but we do know that y'all pretty much went straight from here to the dope dealer's house. Also, you told us, "We're going to my Daddy's to see my boys and get some money, then we'll bring back something to eat." never went to your Dad's...he wasn't even expecting you at all! We went by there when we were looking for y'all after discovering the money gone. (We found the money missing only about 30 mins. after they left.) It was over $150.00 by the way!! Your Dad said that you hadn't even called or anything, and that he hadn't seen or heard from you in a few days!

ANYWAY...finally we got ahold of you on the phone...first when we confronted you about the money, you tried to say that "Well, maybe you dropped it somewhere." There was just no possibility of that, since the money was in his (MrKB's) jeans pocket, which were lying beside our bed on the floor where he'd taken them off at. The money was there when he reached in the pocket to get his lighter, and neither one of us touched them again until we went to get money for the pizza guy after y'all left. If it had been "dropped" it would've been right there by our bed. Of course, when we told you this, you were busted! You then said, "I'll call you back." You didn't until a day or two later, and THEN you were full of apologies for this happening and said that you'd try to bring us some money the next day...after that, we didn't see or hear from you again until this last weekend!
(Yeah, and then she says she'd been too embarrassed to call us, and that her boyfriend Nick was "Out of her life...completely out of her life." More on THAT in a bit.)

I've gotta tell you, that I don't trust anyone anymore because of what happened, NOBODY except for my husband and my family. My trust in people was already paper-thin, and then...damn. I've never been so hurt and angry in my entire life!!

Matoaka, you and my husband have been friends for over 20 and I have been best friends for almost 10 years. The way you've acted towards us has made us both feel like our friendship doesn't mean that much to you at all. I guess if we can't do anything for you...namely, get you high...then you don't have any use for us.

Our friendship can MAYBE still be saved, but coming over after being gone for two months, then taking off with some other "friend" is not the way to do it. AGAIN you said you were coming back, and you didn't. I KNEW you weren't going to be back over as soon as he (MrKB) told me that you took all of your stuff with you! That's how it's always been, and I'm tired of it!! If you don't want to come back over, fine, then don't!! Just SAY so. Don't make us get worried that something awful happened to you
. Quit making me feel so hurt!

Then, he talked to you on Tuesday. He told me that you PROMISED you'd call back in a bit. Surprise, surprise...Wednesday and Thursday have come and gone, and nothing. (She actually didn't call again until the 27th, a week after I wrote this letter.)

Matoaka, despite everything that's happened, I love you and I want things to be right between us again, but you have to want it too, and right now it doesn't seem like you do. Like I said, showing up at our place for a few hours and taking off somewhere else is not the way to fix it.

It's up to you now. Please, no more lies, and no more bullshit. If we mean anything to you, and you TRULY want to be a part of our lives again, you've got to show some real effort and sincerity. (When she'd finally called after two months, she left messages on our machine begging and crying for us to let her back in our lives.) I can't take being hurt anymore, Matoaka...I just can't. If DECADES of friendship really means anything to you, prove it!! Be a true friend.

(Added October 30th) Well, you've done it again. This time we get a call Friday afternoon from you saying that you and your youngest would like to come over and stay the night, spend some time with us and our girls. We had someplace to go for a couple hours that evening, but told you we'd come by and pick you up after. We get to your parents' house to pick y'all up, and you come out and tell us that you're going to go to some haunted house thing, and is it alright if you come over after? We say, "Fine, ok." You again PROMISED (you even said "Scout's honor"!) and I asked you at least twice if you were definitely coming over, and you said yes, that you'd be there in about an hour and a half. I was still doubtful that you would, but hopeful that maybe this time you would keep your word, and not just blowing smoke up my ass.

By the way, while my husband stood on the porch and talked to you while I waited in the van with the girls, who comes walking by from around the side of the house?? Fucking Nick!! The same one who you claimed was "Out of your life, COMPLETELY out of your life." More lies, apparently. I guess you just love having a guy around that is SUCH good people, with the beating on you and shit. Or is that even more lies? I can't believe anything you say anymore.

So we went back home and waited. I figured you probably wouldn't actually be here in an hour and a half like you said you would, but that was okay. Then it got to be like 1:30a.m. Yeah...I could be pretty much 100% positive that you weren't coming at that point. Of course, true to form, you didn't at least pick up a damn phone and call to say "Change of plans" or SOMETHING. Oh, no...apparently we're not worth the effort of a fucking phone call. Not even a call today! No "I'm sorry I didn't make it, and I would've called but it was very late" or anything.

Do you know how hard I cried last night??? How my heart just felt like it was breaking to a million pieces because my supposed best friend doesn't seem to care at all about anybody but herself?? That she's essentially throwing away the friendship of two people who have cared about her, helped her through rough times, been there for her, and watched her boys grow up?? And for what?! I'm willing to bet real money that it was so you could hang with your "friends" that can get you high. If you're making ME feel this badly, I shudder at the thought of how your two children must feel!

SO...ya know what? FUCK YOU!! I am DONE. I'm NOT doing this anymore. Get your life together and your freaking priorities straight. I'm not helping you anymore. Since you can't be there for me...I'm no longer gonna be here for you. Have a nice life.


natty68 said...

Oh honey I am so sorry. Your "friend" sounds like she has no regard for anything that is worth saving. It also looks like you are going to have to bite the bullet and cut her out of your life totally. It is going to be so heartbreaking for you and hubby but it is probably the best thing to do for your sanity. She is only going to keep doing this to you time and time again. Until she gets a major kick up the rear then she won't realise what she is doing to you, or has thrown away.

You are worth much more than this, be strong to yourself. File the letter away, or burn it, whatever you feel happier doing then get on with your lives without your friend around. Believe me hon, I have done it and know how much it hurts but in the long run it is worth it.


Monica said...

MKB, I know this was and is so hard for you. I had a 17-year friendship end a couple of years ago. She moved here after her sixth divorce; my boss and I helped her get a job and I helped her get on her feet and even helped her once or twice with rent money afterwards. My son was in Iraq and I had no interest in dating and yet this beautiful woman told me she was jealous of me. Our friendship ending broke my heart but I have to be honest, it was a great relief to my mother and siblings. They never liked her.

Ryan said...

aww honey im sorry i feel what u were sayin i lost a really good friend when i came out. sendin u a hug (((hug)))

Katie McKenna said...

You are so much more than you will ever realize. You deserve so much more than this "friend" will ever share.

The truth is that I doubt she was ever truly a friend in the real sense of the word. She did not appear to treat you lovingly, warmly...never caring about you and your husband.She was simply a bad habit.

If this was a child we would treat the child with tough love.

The reality is that this person does not bring anything..anything good into your life. Where is the value in this friendship? Love needs nourishment; love is an exchange of giving and taking... not always taking and abusing.

Do you really want your daughters associating with someone life her? In your heart you know the answer to that. You and your family deserve soo much more. Don't accept less for yourself or you family.

We are not all like that. Be aware of the doors closing... when the choices one makes to not trust are done in a manner not healthy. Yet, rejoice when you DO close the door when it is truly necessary. You are the example by your way of going, by your "being" that your daughters shall learn from. Let them see the best you. The you that I see in so many ways. All that is beautiful within .

Mel Chickk said...

When a friend hurts you like that, its tough to get over. You hate to throw away the friendship but I think she made the choice for you. Sounds like all she cares about is getting high and unfortunatly, friends, family, even children fall by the wayside when there are drugs involved. We've been there. You have tried but she needs to help herself now. Sorry... :(

Tish said...

So sorry about what happened with your friend, but I definitely think you are doing the right thing by putting her out of your life. Don't let her make you miserable any longer!


MomThatsNuts said...

Sometimes stuff just has to be said.....its hard to be the one that has to say it...hang in there !!