Sunday, December 31, 2006

Happy Birthday Destiny!!!! And...A New Year, A New Look :)

Dear Destiny,

Today you are 4 years old! Doesn't seem that long ago you were only 2 1/2...which is how old you were when we got to bring you home with us for good. We've been through a lot together since then. Together, we conquered the lonnnnng process of potty training, and this year when you went t
o "big girl panties" full time, you managed to go a really long time with NO accidents at all! We were so proud of you for doing so well!

Together, we've watched your little sister Meghan grow from a little tiny baby who didn't do very much besides eat, sleep and poop, into the "almost big girl" that she is to walk, talk (a bit!) and most importantly, PLAY with you! You are such a good big sister to her, and s
he's going to be learning so much from you in the days and years to come.

We've had our rough times have some difficulty catching on to things...learning and processing them in your little mind. Mommy gets frustrated too easily, and I know that doesn't help, and I'm really working on doing better! Tomorrow is the beginning of a brand new year, and that's one of the things I've promised myself I'd really try to do better, and not be so hard on you for a lot of things.

You are definitely Daddy's Girl at this point, and he loves you SO much, just as I do! He's told me that when he comes home from work, and you come running into the living room with an excited "HI DADDY!" and hugs and kisses for him, that it just melts his heart every single time. :)

Happy Birthday, sweet Destiny! We love
you more and more each day!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

My Christmas

<---Meghan with her Nana

Another Christmas has come and gone! This one was my 13th with MrKB, and our 2nd with the girls. Gotta admit, it's more fun now that we have them. It's also a lot more exhausting!! My house is a wreck, and I've got a lot of cleaning to do, but man...I'm so freakin' tired! I slept pretty well last night, but I still feel like I could lay down and sleep another 6 hours.

I got some pretty nice "Friends" DVD collection is now complete with Season 1. (I had seasons 2-10 already)...I got a couple of porcelain dolls, a little cash, and a Crown Royal gift set. (Shame it wasn't tequila! But MrKB likes it, so it will still get some use!) I got a few other things too, but can't think of them at the moment.

We spent Christmas Eve over at my parents' house opening gifts. The girls made out like bandits, as always! It was fun watching them open presents. Meghan is 20 months old this year, so could actually open hers by herself. It was funny, 'cuz she didn't even pay attention to what the presents actually were until she got every last bit of wrapping paper off first! LOL Too cute!

Christmas Day was spent at my Grandparents' house in Enid, where the girls got MORE presents. The adults of the family played the "Dirty Santa" game, which is how I ended up with the Crown Royal set, and MrKB ended up with $30 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets. No big winners though...bummer.

All in all it was a good
Christmas, and tomorrow we go to pick up my stepdaughters to spend some time with us! :) Really looking forward to seeing them!

Now, some pictures! :)

Checking out what Santa brought...

and more presents! :)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Silly Questions

Stolen from Katie and Bekah!

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Ughhhh! I look like crap! (it's that time of month...I'm allowed dammit!)

2. How much cash do you have on you? None whatsoever.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR? Poor!!

4. Favorite planet? Gonna have to say Earth, since I've never been to any others!

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Don't have a cell phone.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? Again, no cell phone..

7. What shirt are you wearing? The top to snowman jammies I got for my birthday.

8. Do you label yourself? Shy, maybe.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing: None, I'm barefoot.

10. Bright or Dark Room? It depends on a variety of things...for sleeping, dark!

11. Why is there always a missing question? Hell if I know!

12. What does your watch look like? Gold colored, Winnie-the-Pooh watch. I want a Tigger watch!

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Piddling around the internet.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? Didn't I already say I don't have a damn cell phone??

15. Where is your nearest 7-11? Maybe 1/4 mile up the road.

16. What's a word that you say a lot? Dammit!!

17. Who told you he/she loved you last? Destiny, I think...

18. Last furry thing you touched? probably a stuffed animal, I guess.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? Several doses of Ibuprofen, nothing fun! Wish I had some Midol though...

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? Hmmm...I have a pretty old roll that's been in my purse (that I never carry) forever. I have no clue what's on it.

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 25 was pretty cool.

22. Your worst enemy? No enemies here! Not many friends, either. Not counting y'all in blogland, of course!

23. What is your current desktop picture? One of me and the hubby. Awwww!

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Meghan, lay down and GO TO SLEEP!"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be? A million bucks, of course! I hate flying.

26. Do you like someone? I like lots of people. :)

27. The last song you listened to? Not sure...but for some reason I have "Last Christmas" by Wham going through my head right now.

28. What time of day were you born? 9:30 a.m.

29. What's your favorite number? 69!! MWAHAHAHAAAA! I'm so bad!

30. Where did you live in 1987? Same as I do now...Oklahoma.

31. Are you jealous of anyone? Yeah, anyone that has more money than they know what to do with! It's ridiculous what people like Paris Hilton spend on some shit.

32. Is anyone jealous of you? Well, Bekah is apparently...because I am able to stay home with my kids. Trust me, sometimes I wish I worked, but DHS wants me home with them right now.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened? At home, watching the t.v. in horror.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? If there's anyone around to refund it to me, I'll get it back...but most times I'm just screwed and pissed off.

35. Do you consider yourself kind? Too kind for my own good, it seems like.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Why would I HAVE to get one? I have one already, but do want another...a purple butterfly, but I haven't decided where yet though.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?'d be the most useful around these parts!

38. Would you move for the person you loved? I have, several times already...not out of state though.

39. Are you touchy-feely? Depends on my mood. Sometimes I just wanna be left the hell alone.

40. What's your life motto? Carpe Diem! (Seize the day)...I should carpe more often...

41. Name three things you have on you at all times: ummm...clothes (except in bed), wedding rings, and my hearing aid.

42. What's your favorite town/city? Hard to say, but I really like Santa Fe, New Mexico.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? Groceries.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Well, I wrote that angry letter to my supposed best friend on paper...but I didn't end up mailing it. That was a couple months ago, I think.

45. Can you change the oil on a car? Yep! I can change a tire, too, if I have Daddy made sure I knew how to do both.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? Actually, I talk to him on Yahoo quite often lately. He's doing alright, having a good time being a ladie's man since his divorce. He's such a player! LOL

47. How far back do you know your ancestry? Not very...I don't even know who my great-great grandparents were. Nobody's documented anything in my family as far as I know.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? Well, fancy for me would be putting on a dress...I wore a black dress to a funeral a few years ago I guess. Yeah, I don't do "fancy" that much.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now? Yes, my lower back...thanks to the evil curse of women.

50. Have you ever been burned by love? You betcha.

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers? Hmmmm....nope, don't think so.

52. Where would you like to live? Somewhere warm and tropical! I hate the freakin' cold!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Tequila Christmas Cake

Trying to keep my sense of humor lately, and came across this awhile ago. Couldn't help but giggle! We're keeping the vultures back a bit longer, and also keeping an eye out for alternate housing...either for the near future or post-adoption. I'm always, I'm hanging in there!

Tequila Christmas Cake


4 Cups of water
1 Cup of butter
1 Tsp baking soda
1 Cup of sugar
1 Tsp salt
1 Cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 Large eggs
1/2 Cup of nuts
1 Bottle of Tequila
2 Cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 Cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 Tsp of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs, add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 Cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake pan 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.


Monday, December 11, 2006

Well, This Really Sucks....

We're starting to really hate the people that own these apartments we live in now. Ever since we moved in a year and a half ago, we've been paying the rent with the foster care check. The check doesn't come in until around the middle of the month. We've always had rent paid by the 20th, and every month pay a $25.00 late fee. This adds up to an extra $300 a year from us.

Well, new owners took over, and we again made sure to explain our situation and circumstances. "Shouldn't be a problem," they said, "as long as we have your rent by the 16th of every month." Okay, no biggie, right? Apparently not.

Today is the 11th. As of yesterday we still had not received our monthly check. If we don't have the rent by 6pm today, they will be filing for eviction tomorrow morning. If the check doesn't come today, we're fucked. I don't know what to fucking tell these people!! We've been over this and over this every damn month just about.

I really don't want to move yet. I like this apartment, it's nice and big and in a decent neighborhood, around the corner from the high school I graduated from. BUT....the biggest thing I'm worried about is losing the kids because of this!!!! We're so close to having the adoption final, too. These management people just don't realize the problems an eviction will probably cause us. Even if DHS doesn't just take the girls away, it will set us back god knows how long in the adoption process, because if we end up moving we'll have to go through the whole home assessment crap all over again. That's one of the biggest reasons I don't want to move....this place is already approved and all that.

I'm really scared of losing my babies! I don't know if I'd ever recover if that happens. Seriously, I think I'd lose it, big time! Anyone got an extra $600 laying around???

Friday, December 08, 2006

I'm Baaaaaack!!

YAY!! I've got my internet back!! :) Did ya miss me??

Before I forget, I just want to give my sweet blogger friend April
a big "Thank You!" for the birthday post she did on my birthday December 5th. April, honey...I tried to comment on it, but your word verification isn't showing any words to verify! It only says "visual verification" where the letters should be, so it's not letting me (and by the looks of it, nobody else!) leave comments for you. Couldn't find an email for you to let you know, so I figured you'd see it here sooner or later.

My birthday was pretty good! Can't believe I'm freakin' 35 years old now!!! Good grief... My Mom & Dad took me out to a new chinese buffet restaurant in Yukon that had ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT crab legs and peel-n-eat shrimp. You better believe I ate all I could! I was really hoping to get to go to Red Lobster, but I still got my crab legs! For a lot cheaper too...dinner buffet was $7.99.

I didn't get anything "sparkly and expensive", LOL, but that's okay...I have an anniversary in a couple of months! My Mom got me a couple of Beanie Babies, Stephen King's "Lisey's Story" in hardcover, "Cell" in paperback, Dean Koontz' "False Memory" in paperback, and a hardcover book of stories of true hauntings. MrKB got me a set of snowman jammies and the new Garth Brooks boxed set. I also got a check for $50 from my Grandparents. :) OH! And tonight, MrKB is going to watch the girls while I go out to the casino to spend the $100 he gave me! Woohoo!

Thank you to all of you here and on my MySpace that left me birthday wishes! They all put a smile on my face and made me feel so special and loved!

It's good to be back. :)

Sunday, December 03, 2006

May be Offline for a few Days...

Thought I better get a post in now before I lose my internet connection temporarily. We decided to wait until next weekend to pay the bill, so we can get some Christmas shopping done. It will probably be cut off either tonight or tomorrow night, which sucks 'cuz it means I won't be able to post or check messages on my birthday Tuesday! :( Bummer. Hopefully will have it back next Saturday.

Probably won't be doing much of anything on my birthday. My Mom will most likely take me out for dinner, but that's about it. Gonna get MrKB to buy me something when we go shopping today though! :)

Man....I drank too much tequila Friday night. I mean seriously, WAY too much. I was beyond drunk. MrKB put it the best...he said I was FUBAR. (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) Yes, I got sick. That hasn't happened in a very long time. Usually I quit long before getting to that point, but nooooo, not that night! Not only did I get sick, but I hurt myself too. Apparently, I fell down several time it seems I fell into the doorframe of our closet in the bedroom and knocked myself out. Either that, or I passed out and fell and hit the doorframe. I have a big ol' knot right behind my ear and my ear itself is very tender to the touch. PLUS, just about the whole right side of my back and my neck is sore as hell. I hurt so bad yesterday that I almost went to the E.R. to get checked out and make sure I didn't break some ribs or something, and to get some pain pills...4 ibuprofens at a time wasn't doing it. I'm still pretty damn sore today, but it's not as bad. I've never actually hurt myself while being drunk before, this is a first. Ain't gonna be drinking like THAT again, for sure! Lesson learned! It's a wonder I wasn't hurt a lot worse. Funny thing was...I didn't have a headache! I never do.'s YOUR weekend going??

Friday, December 01, 2006


Oh, yes...when it finally stopped snowing yesterday, Oklahoma City ended up with a total of 7 inches of snow. That hasn't happened in YEARS. It was still very bitterly cold this morning when MrKB would've been getting ready to go to work. Temps were around 18 degrees, with wind chill of about 9 degrees. He was so glad when work called him and told him not to come in due to businesses cancelling their deliveries! He looked as excited as all the kids who had two snow days in a row must have been! LOL Unfortunately he still had to get out in this crappy weather, since today is payday! Really need to get some groceries, but I think tonight we might just order pizza or something. As long as he swings by the liquor store and picks up some tequila for me, I'll be happy! :)

I think I'm pretty much done with the template now. I just don't know how to go about fixing the titles! Oh well, like I said before, it's only a temporary look anyway. I did expand the pixels some more on the borders, and it at least brings things in from the left some. I thought it looked to squished over there.

Anyway, not a lot going on today...the kids and I are spending the day in our jammies, and I'm doing a whole lotta nothin'! :)

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Holidays are Upon Us

So, yeah! I've been doing okay, Thanksgiving was great with no stresses! As you can see, I'm working on a new template for the Christmas season. Haven't figured out how to put my blog title in there though. This template didn't provide for it. I know very little about HTML coding, so I'll have to figure it out! Unless one of you geniuses out there can tell me! LOL...I did manage to figure out how to add the comments. They weren't there either at first. Gotta have comments! Otherwise I have no clue if anyone is actually reading the drivel that I write.

Let's see now...I'm over my cold! Yay! Meghan is too, and Destiny didn't ever get it, thank goodness. We put our Christmas tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving. Meghan really likes it. She'll smile real big when I plug in the lights in the morning, and throughout the day she'll be walking past it...she'll stop and point at it while saying, "See? Seeeee??" lol

A few days ago I woke up and found little Miss Meghan standing at the foot of my bed!! Yup! Seems she's figured out how to climb out of the Pack 'n Play. It was quite a shock to open my eyes and see her standing there. Not only did she climb out of her bed, but she toddled all the way down the hall and managed to open my bedroom door! It may not have been shut all the way to begin with, but who knows? She still wasn't where she was supposed to be!

The weather here today is atrocious! Just a couple of days ago temps were in the upper 60s and 70s and had been for at least a week. Temps dropped dramatically last night and we had freezing rain. It was snowing this morning when I got up and it snowed all day long. Yeccchhhh!! MrKB took Meghan outside for a minute to see it and she doesn't quite know what to think of it. She didn't like the coldness of it one bit, though! November sure is going out with a bang...

Lots of birthdays in my family lately. My youngest stepdaughter turned 14 on November 10th. My Mom and my nephew both had a birthday on November 24th. My nephew is 3 years old already, I can't believe it!! My Grandmother's birthday is on December 2nd, my niece will be 5 on the 3rd, MY birthday is December 5th! Send presents!! :) My cousin and friend's birthdays are on the 19th, and little Miss Destiny will be 4 years old on New Year's Eve. All those birthdays and I haven't even started Christmas shopping yet!

I used to really love this time of year. It's hard now, though. How do you buy presents for so many with just a few hundred dollars, if that? The Christmas stress has begun! I will manage, don't worry! Won't be anything spectacular gift-wise, but the kids will have to live with it. Yeah...speaking of...I did mention before that my two teenage stepdaughters will be up to visit this year, didn't I? One of them wants a digital camera and has been heavily dropping hints about it. LOL...I should really start shopping in July, but when you live paycheck to paycheck with no credit cards, it just never seems to happen.

Gotta go get started on dinner! Hope y'all are staying safe and warm!! :) Excuse the dust around here while I fine tune the new template!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

Myspace Layouts

I hope y'all have a wonderful holiday! We are just staying home this year and avoiding the stress of which family we spend the day with. MrKB is fixing a turkey and all the trimmings for us and the girls. I, of course, am in charge of clean-up...which is just fine with me! :)

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us to all of you! Be safe!
Myspace Layouts

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Nobody Told Me...

What they thought about the new Blogger Beta. I haven't switched yet, and am still wondering if I should. I just don't any opinions on it are welcome!

Still sick with a cold....unfortunately Meghan has it too. :( Poor thing! BUT, she is up and playing as normal, just is congested and runny nose and all that. She's sleeping more too, of course...which is good for her AND me since I just feel so run down the last few days. It doesn't help that Aunt Flo came to visit at the start of this cold, either. Bah! MrKB has a bit of this cold too, but so far Des is okay. Kids with colds I can handle, even if I'm sick too...but PLEASE oh PLEASE don't let them get throwing-up sick. Ugh! Mine are at the age right now that they'll just let it go wherever they are. Won't be so bad when they're older and can at least make it to the toilet or something.

Guess who just tried to call me a few minutes ago? Yeah...that one friend...the one that was supposed to be my best friend. Matoaka. I didn't answer when her parent's number came up on the caller I.D. She just asked us to give her a call...please. Heh... MrKB talked to her sister the other night. Maybe last night or the night before. She asked him if we'd cut all ties with Matoaka, and he told her about the night she was supposed to come over and didn't. Remember? The one that upset me so much and made me write that letter? Yeah, this is the first time we've heard from her since, and that was before Halloween.

By the way, I didn't end up sending that letter. I'm not sure why. It made me feel a lot better getting it out on here where SOMEBODY could read it, and the fact that so many of y'all understood helped too. I'm not taking it down now, so I suppose if she googled herself she'd find it, but I don't care. If she does, she does...she'll know how badly she screwed up and how she really made me feel. I don't know if we'll return her call or not. Part of me wants to give her one LAST chance to make things right between us. I DO love her and miss her very much...heh, phone's ringing again and it's her....

I know she knows that I'm home. I wonder what she thinks about me not answering the phone?

Anyway, like I was saying...part of me wants to give her one last chance to make things right. But then a lot of me just doesn't want to be hurt again. If I did give her another chance, it would be a very long time before I trusted her. I don't even know if I would ever completely trust her like I did before. And that sucks...

I've spent the last few days finally going through all the pics on my computer and getting them burned to disk. Do you know I had over 2 GB of just pictures?!?! Good grief, I didn't even know I had that many! Hopefully now my computer will run better. Still need to defragment, but I'll do that tonight probably before I go to bed.

That's all I've got for now. Sorry I've been such a sucky blogger lately, I'm way behind on my blog reading too. My heart's just not in it these days. I DO stop by still...even if I don't always comment! Y'all are my friends now, and with you guys, I will be okay! :)

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Oh, I've Got Fun Now


I'm siiiiiiiiicckkkk!!!! :( It seems I have gone and caught my first cold of the season. Joy. Hubby actually asked me today if I wanted to go shopping and I said *gasp!* "No"! He kinda laughed at me and said, "You really DON'T feel good, do you?" Well, duh! The left side of my nose is pretty much constantly stuffed up, and the right side will be running. Ain't that a bitch? It's like my sinuses or whatever couldn't agree on which way to make me suffer more and decided they'd each do one or the other. Every now and then they switch on me just for shits and giggles.

I hope this is just a cold...I've had a little bit of a fever on and off. Do you get fevers with colds?? If you do, what do you do then? Starve the cold or feed the fever??! My throat hurt this morning when I woke up but it's fine now. I HATE having a sore throat with a passion. I don't mind having the worst cold in the world as long as my throat doesn't hurt. Well, I do mind, but you know what I mean. I haven't had much of an appetite either. When I have eaten, you know, 'cuz you're supposed to do hasn't been very much.

Yeah...and this morning when all I wanted to do was sleep, I couldn't, because we had a caseworker coming over and I had to clean the house. That didn't take that long, but I had like zero energy. The caseworker was doing some more paperwork on the home assessment thing for the adoption. I got to read her rough draft of the report and it's all good, no worries there. But you know, she's like one of THREE different caseworkers who've been out for home assessment purposes. She called a few days ago and one of the things she was needing was copies of our driver's licenses and the insurance on our vehicle...we'd JUST given copies of all that to a different caseworker like a week before!!! So of course we're saying "Didn't we just DO that?" I mean, really! Is there not one big file with all the millions of pieces of information we've given to them?? Do caseworkers not talk to each other and compare notes??? I guess not!!

I've said it once, and I'll say it again...I will be SO glad to be done with DHS and caseworkers! I know they're just doing their jobs, but geez louise. I know, I's all going to be worth it in the end, when we can finally say that legally...the girls are OUR daughters! I do know that, and I will continue to do whatever I'm expected to do. It's just been a long, long, rough and trying year and a half. I just can't wait to do a post with the title "ADOPTION DAY!!" LOL

Well....typing this post has worn me out...think I'm gonna go lay back down on the couch and be miserable some more! Right after I kick hubby's snoring ass off of it 'cuz he's laying in the most comfy spot.

*Note to self* You are gonna have a VERY sore nose if you don't go to the store and get some Puffs with Lotion sometime tomorrow. Some Dayquil and Nyquil couldn't hurt either....

Friday, November 17, 2006

I Saved a Stranger's Life Last Night

It's funny how things happen sometimes. Last night I was playing a game at and chatting with people in the room. This one girl mentioned some problems she'd been having in her life, and that she'd tried to commit suicide back in September. I told her I was very glad she wasn't successful, and then I said, "If you ever get to the point where you are considering it again, just remember that suicide is a very permanent solution to temporary problems." I also said that any time I hear talk of suicide, I am reminded of a line from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life". The angel says to Jimmy Stewart, "Each man's life touches so many other lives, that when he's gone, he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

We talked for awhile longer, then it was getting late, around 3am, so we all wound down to go to bed. As I was shutting down Pogo, I noticed I had a message...from someone I didn't know. The header line said simply, "Thank you". Out of curiousity I clicked to read it, and this is what I found:

Hello my name is lilaces you don't know me but I just wanted to send you a message and say thank you for the advice you gave to Ornery because three weeks ago my wife passed away and on Tuesday I found out that my mistress had a miscarriage with my baby and I was really thinking about ending my life because I didn't feel I had anything left to live for but you made me realize that what I'm going through is temporary and soon things will get better. SO thanks again and bless you!

Isn't it funny how things work out sometimes? I can't begin to tell you how getting this message made me feel. He never said a single word in the chat room, but took the time to send me this message and let me know. What if he hadn't been in there and seen those simple words I typed to another that ended up meaning so much? What if I had not been there to say them? Would he be just another statistic? Who knows...but it made me feel incredibly good to know that I had helped somebody make the decision to keep living their life, no matter how hard it may be right now. Even from the depths of this depression I've been going through for weeks, I was a bright spot...a somebody else's life. Simply amazing!

I replied back to the message with this:

Wow! Oh my goodness, I don't know what to say! I'm so glad you happened to be in the room at the time!! You brought tears to my eyes...thank you for letting me know.

I'm very sorry to hear about the rough times you've been having. I understand, as I've had some of my own lately, for example my mother-in-law being diagnosed with brain tumors and has been through one surgery already with several more ahead of her.

Sorry for the loss of your wife, I know that had to be, and still be, very hard to deal with. I've also been through a miscarriage, and it is painful emotionally as well as physically.

If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a message! I'm a good listener. ;) And yes...the stuff you're going through is only temporary! Suicide is a very permanent solution. Hugs!!!

Yeah....then this morning I found this message:

I'm glad too it's funny how God works because I was actually going to go straight to bed instead of going on to Pogo but something made me go onto Pogo.
Yeah I'm really upset about the rough times too but besides that it's really hard. I'm sorry to hear about your hard times I hope everything works out and you will be in my prayers.
Yes the death of my wife was and still is very hard because we were together for ten years but married for five she became my everything and we didn't know how sick she was until the day she died so we didn't even have time to prepare for it. It's so hard for me that I can't even go back to our house. And I actually TRIED to kill myself and was sent to the hospital.
But I just want to thank you again and say that you truly are an angel. I will write if I ever need someone to talk to and thanks again! Hugs and kiss

Now, I never claimed to be an angel, LOL....but I guess in this case maybe I was, at least for him. I went to bed thinking of this stranger I'd never met, but who I helped so much without even realizing at the time. I woke up thinking about him too.

I feel good.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Hiya....Thanks to those of you who inquired about me! I am fine, just have been pretty down the last couple of weeks, so I didn't want to just blog about depressing stuff. For right now I'm just taking things day by day.

Destiny has taken to peeing in the bed, which frustrates me to no end. She went SO long after going into "big girl panties" full time without having a single accident. I'm talking at least a good couple of months! Now it seems she's wetting the bed every two or three days!! Despite the fact that we've both told her that if she has to pee while in bed, that it's okay for her to get up and go to the potty. I'm at the end of my rope, so starting tonight she'll be back in pull-ups at night. She's not happy about that, but we gave her several chances, then told her that if she wet the bed once more she'd be back in them. Very aggravating...

I still don't have my copies of pics of the kids from Halloween. Need to ask Dad about them. Man, I wish I hadn't forgotten to take my camera with me!

Still haven't heard from my supposed best friend at all. I guess it really is over, as much as it pains me. It's actually a big part of this depression I'm in right now. She was not only my best friend, but pretty much my ONLY friend. I'm so shy that it is very hard for me to make friends, plus it doesn't help that I don't really trust people anymore, due to shit that's been done to me in the past. I'm not gonna go into detail about any of that, but let's just say that the trust wasn't lost overnight. I am usually an optimist, looking for the good in everything and everyone, but now....I just don't know. Heh...I was talking to MrKB the other day, and said to him, "How sad am I that all my friends are in my computer??" He laughed about it, but y'all know what I mean. On my MySpace, I have like 74 friends....several of them are family, but every one of them (with the exception of like Kenny Chesney and Garth Brooks) is somebody I know online one way or another. Well, there are a few from high school, but that's it. In real life? Nobody.

Enough of that. That's exactly why I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. I don't want to sound like a loser who is looking for a pity party! Blogger keeps telling me to switch to the "new version". I haven't yet because, well, I just don't like changing things I'm used to, and I haven't been too sure about how well it worked. You know, being "beta". How many of y'all have made the switch to the new version? How do you like it? Does it seem to work well? What kinds of new features are there?? I may go ahead and switch if y'all think I should. I just want some of your opinions first.

Not a lot going on with me, really. I've got a boring life! Haven't been able to go out without the kids in quite awhile, since our regular babysitter has been so sick most days due to brain tumors. Just haven't been able to find anyone else to watch them. I sometimes hate being at home all the time. Sometimes I really miss the days when it was just me and MrKB, and if we wanted to go somewhere we could, without worrying about what to do with the kids. I know I'm not the first one to feel like that by any means, and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go back to those days for anything! I waited way to long to be a Mama! Just can't help but miss it sometimes.

So, for now, I leave y'all with a song that kinda says what I've been feeling lately. Please give it a listen!

"Holding Back the Years" by Simply Red

Holding back the years
Thinking of the fear I've had so long
When somebody hears
Listen to the fear that's gone
Strangled by the wishes of pater
Hoping for the arms of mater
Get to me sooner or later

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I've known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could, yeah

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
So tight

I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Cause nothing ever could ohhhh yeahhhh

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
Holding, holding, holding

That's all I have today
That's all I have to say

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween to all my wonderful blogger friends! Have a safe night! We will be taking the girls and my niece and nephew trick-or-treating. I will be sure to post pictures later! Not sure yet what Meghan will be....either Tigger, a ladybug, or Mickey Mouse. Destiny is going to be Tinkerbell...or "Binkabell" as she says. :)

Happy Halloween Comments for Myspace

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Breaking Point

Do y'all remember back in August when I said I had literally lost my best friend? I'd had a post in draft that I'd started working on, but never finished it or posted it, obviously. It was just one of those things I didn't want to get into too much on here, so I've been quietly dealing with it on my own. Well, no more! What follows is what I wrote to her in a handwritten letter, with thoughts of mailing it to her parents' house, where I know she'd eventually get it. I haven't mailed it seems I have more stuff to say due to new happenings. Your thoughts and opinions are welcome. Oh yeah, I'm going to include her actual first name. (but not her last because I'm not stupid...I don't wish any harm to her!) I just don't care anymore. Well, that might not be entirely true, but this way if she ever googles herself she'll find this post even if I don't end up mailing this letter to her. Also, the particular incident I refer to in the letter occured just the weekend before I ended up in the hospital with appendicitis. Which by the way, she didn't know about...or MrKB's Mom having her brain tumors...that happened the weekend AFTER my surgery. Shitty few weekends there, lemme tell ya! I'm going to type the letter in red, because it represents how I've felt all this time. I will put additional comments to help explain to y'all various parts in my normal purple color.

Dear Matoaka, October 20, 2006

I'm writing this letter because I've had a lot of things on my mind, and I never seem to have the chance to sit down and talk to you about them. Kinda hard to do anyway since I've only seen you the one time in the past two months. (After she really screwed up royally, we didn't see or hear from her for that long.)

First of all, let me say a few things about what happened that last weekend that you and Nick were here. Now, while we can't prove whether it was you OR Nick who took ALL THE CASH WE HAD LEFT, but we do know that y'all pretty much went straight from here to the dope dealer's house. Also, you told us, "We're going to my Daddy's to see my boys and get some money, then we'll bring back something to eat." never went to your Dad's...he wasn't even expecting you at all! We went by there when we were looking for y'all after discovering the money gone. (We found the money missing only about 30 mins. after they left.) It was over $150.00 by the way!! Your Dad said that you hadn't even called or anything, and that he hadn't seen or heard from you in a few days!

ANYWAY...finally we got ahold of you on the phone...first when we confronted you about the money, you tried to say that "Well, maybe you dropped it somewhere." There was just no possibility of that, since the money was in his (MrKB's) jeans pocket, which were lying beside our bed on the floor where he'd taken them off at. The money was there when he reached in the pocket to get his lighter, and neither one of us touched them again until we went to get money for the pizza guy after y'all left. If it had been "dropped" it would've been right there by our bed. Of course, when we told you this, you were busted! You then said, "I'll call you back." You didn't until a day or two later, and THEN you were full of apologies for this happening and said that you'd try to bring us some money the next day...after that, we didn't see or hear from you again until this last weekend!
(Yeah, and then she says she'd been too embarrassed to call us, and that her boyfriend Nick was "Out of her life...completely out of her life." More on THAT in a bit.)

I've gotta tell you, that I don't trust anyone anymore because of what happened, NOBODY except for my husband and my family. My trust in people was already paper-thin, and then...damn. I've never been so hurt and angry in my entire life!!

Matoaka, you and my husband have been friends for over 20 and I have been best friends for almost 10 years. The way you've acted towards us has made us both feel like our friendship doesn't mean that much to you at all. I guess if we can't do anything for you...namely, get you high...then you don't have any use for us.

Our friendship can MAYBE still be saved, but coming over after being gone for two months, then taking off with some other "friend" is not the way to do it. AGAIN you said you were coming back, and you didn't. I KNEW you weren't going to be back over as soon as he (MrKB) told me that you took all of your stuff with you! That's how it's always been, and I'm tired of it!! If you don't want to come back over, fine, then don't!! Just SAY so. Don't make us get worried that something awful happened to you
. Quit making me feel so hurt!

Then, he talked to you on Tuesday. He told me that you PROMISED you'd call back in a bit. Surprise, surprise...Wednesday and Thursday have come and gone, and nothing. (She actually didn't call again until the 27th, a week after I wrote this letter.)

Matoaka, despite everything that's happened, I love you and I want things to be right between us again, but you have to want it too, and right now it doesn't seem like you do. Like I said, showing up at our place for a few hours and taking off somewhere else is not the way to fix it.

It's up to you now. Please, no more lies, and no more bullshit. If we mean anything to you, and you TRULY want to be a part of our lives again, you've got to show some real effort and sincerity. (When she'd finally called after two months, she left messages on our machine begging and crying for us to let her back in our lives.) I can't take being hurt anymore, Matoaka...I just can't. If DECADES of friendship really means anything to you, prove it!! Be a true friend.

(Added October 30th) Well, you've done it again. This time we get a call Friday afternoon from you saying that you and your youngest would like to come over and stay the night, spend some time with us and our girls. We had someplace to go for a couple hours that evening, but told you we'd come by and pick you up after. We get to your parents' house to pick y'all up, and you come out and tell us that you're going to go to some haunted house thing, and is it alright if you come over after? We say, "Fine, ok." You again PROMISED (you even said "Scout's honor"!) and I asked you at least twice if you were definitely coming over, and you said yes, that you'd be there in about an hour and a half. I was still doubtful that you would, but hopeful that maybe this time you would keep your word, and not just blowing smoke up my ass.

By the way, while my husband stood on the porch and talked to you while I waited in the van with the girls, who comes walking by from around the side of the house?? Fucking Nick!! The same one who you claimed was "Out of your life, COMPLETELY out of your life." More lies, apparently. I guess you just love having a guy around that is SUCH good people, with the beating on you and shit. Or is that even more lies? I can't believe anything you say anymore.

So we went back home and waited. I figured you probably wouldn't actually be here in an hour and a half like you said you would, but that was okay. Then it got to be like 1:30a.m. Yeah...I could be pretty much 100% positive that you weren't coming at that point. Of course, true to form, you didn't at least pick up a damn phone and call to say "Change of plans" or SOMETHING. Oh, no...apparently we're not worth the effort of a fucking phone call. Not even a call today! No "I'm sorry I didn't make it, and I would've called but it was very late" or anything.

Do you know how hard I cried last night??? How my heart just felt like it was breaking to a million pieces because my supposed best friend doesn't seem to care at all about anybody but herself?? That she's essentially throwing away the friendship of two people who have cared about her, helped her through rough times, been there for her, and watched her boys grow up?? And for what?! I'm willing to bet real money that it was so you could hang with your "friends" that can get you high. If you're making ME feel this badly, I shudder at the thought of how your two children must feel!

SO...ya know what? FUCK YOU!! I am DONE. I'm NOT doing this anymore. Get your life together and your freaking priorities straight. I'm not helping you anymore. Since you can't be there for me...I'm no longer gonna be here for you. Have a nice life.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Hiya! :)

Bet y'all have been wondering where I've been, huh? Well, I've been computerless for the last week! Either the battery (I didn't even know computers HAD batteries!) or my motherboard decided to bite the dust...not sure exactly which one yet. Good thing I have my Daddy to fix my 'puter for me when it acts up, otherwise I'm sure I'd be getting ripped off by some shop somewhere! I actually have a different computer now, but it's got my hard drive in it...thankfully it wasn't the hard drive that crashed...I've got tons of pictures of the girls on it from the last year and a half. I haven't had a CD burner so I could put them on disk, but now I do since this computer has one! Yippee!!! Yeah, now I have the daunting task of organizing all the pics and burning them to disk. That should keep me busy for quite awhile!

Anyway....Thank you so much for all the nice comments on the new pictures! :) I knew y'all would like them! And yes, I was absolutely THRILLED to be able to get them done with all four of the girls! My stepdaughters have taken to visiting in the summer one at a time instead of both of them, since they're at the age where they can't stand each other for long. They weren't too bad while they were both here for a week, they bickered quite a bit, but it just reminded me of my sister and me at that age. I couldn't stand my sister then either, and she couldn't stand me. Ah, memories! LOL

Can you believe how tall my youngest stepdaughter is?!? She towers over her sister already, and she's definitely going to be taller than me if she keeps growing. We're both 5'7" now! She's taller than her Mom too....must get her height from MrKB....he's just a quarter-inch shy of being 6'.

The oldest one...I told y'all she's gorgeous! She knows it too, which worries her Daddy to death, especially now that she has a 17 yr old boyfriend! I worry too, but I know that we've got to trust her to make good decisions. When we were in Texas, MrKB caught them making out in her bedroom, and he was NOT happy! (The door was open.) I told him to think back to when we were their age...we did it too! And making out is not the same as actually having sex. He's like, "Yeah, but I'm a guy and I know what guys that age are after!" I said, "Yeah, well, don't mean they'll get it...they didn't from me, and believe me they tried!" (At least they didn't get it when I was 15 yrs old!!) It all comes back to the fact that we're gonna have to trust her.

My Mom-in-law is doing good. She got the staples out the other day (33 by the way!) and stopped by yesterday. She said she felt really good, and I'm glad. Part of her not feeling well was the fact that she's had problems sleeping. She got her first good night's sleep the night before and could really tell the difference in how she felt. She has had a few problems since the surgery, though. Apparently she's lost control of her legs a few times, and has fallen. They give out on her, or she just can't move them. We think that maybe the other large tumor might be being more active now that the one in the front is gone. We just have to hope it doesn't start causing major problems before her next surgery. Doctors are already talking about doing the surgery sometime in November, instead of December, since she's been recovering so well. I know that we will all be glad when the tumors are all gone, but nobody will be as glad as Mom!

Got a call last night from an "adoption transition caseworker", or something like that...she's going to come out for a visit Friday afternoon. Progress is going slowly, but at least it's happening! We've had some visits from different workers that have to do with the adoption already, and we've had our home assessment done. That went good, wasn't much to do since we'd been assessed before to be foster parents to them in the first place. We still need to get our physicals done. We haven't yet since this time we have to pay for it out of our pockets, and we just haven't had a chance to get to the doctor's office. I need to call the doctor anyway, since Meghan needs to have shots. I dread shot time, so have been procrastinating on that too.

That's about all the news I can think of for now! Hope y'all are doing good. Thanks again for the nice comments on the pictures...y'all made me smile! :)

Monday, October 16, 2006


I know y'all have been waiting (impatiently!) for these pics, ya go! By the way, I've never posted pics of my stepdaughters before. The tall one is actually my youngest stepdaughter...she'll be 14 next month. Shorter one is my oldest stepdaughter...she is 15 going on 25! :)

Friday, October 13, 2006

It's My Blogiversary!!!

So here I am, one year later! Happy Blogiversary to me! When I started this blog, Meghan was 6 months old. (In the pic above, she's not quite 6 months, but close enough!) I thought having a blog would be a really good way to keep track of her milestones, 'cuz we know that we Moms don't go running for the baby book each and every time, do we?? I have a record on here of firsts I wanted to remember for her baby book, complete with pictures. :) I also started writing this blog to have sort of a record of our adventures in foster parenting and DHS battles. We've had some drama, haven't we? Thanks to all my loyal readers who've been following the whole saga...I know I'm probably really boring at times, but you still come around to visit! :)

Today Meghan is 18 months old, and I can't believe how much she's grown and changed! Time really does fly. She's into everything now, and is starting to get more and more independent every day. She makes me laugh all the time with the funny stuff she does, and it's such a delight to see her discover new things that she can do. :)

As for me, I hang in there...staying sane! (With a little help from Jose every now and then!) A couple days ago I was playing around with my nephew, and ended up kicking our metal chair and damn near breaking my pinky toe! Had to take some pics to commemorate the occasion...

Looks painful, huh? Trust me, it is! It's been two days since I did it and it's still bruised real good and I can't wear my shoes except for flip-flops or my slippers. Then last night we went out to dinner and when Destiny was jumping out of the van, guess where she landed?? Yup, right on my sore foot!!! I clenched my hand around hers real tight when she did it, and I let go of her and told her she better go to her big sister...I was afraid I'd lash out and hurt her! Thankfully she didn't land on the most painful spot, or I wouldn't have still been standing. It made me cry for a few minutes, then we went in to eat and I ordered a great big ol' strawberry margarita to ease the pain! Hehehe...

Waiting for MrKB to get home from work now so we can go and get those pictures done. My stepdaughters go back home to Texas tomorrow, and I'm really going
to miss them! They've been a big help with their little sisters. Every morning this week I've been able to sleep in, and when I got up the little ones were up and dressed and had breakfast! I could get used to that, but alas, the big girls go home tomorrow. :(

Have a great weekend, and a good Friday the 13th! Happy Blogiversary to Me! :)

Monday, October 09, 2006

Mom Is Home! :)

Mom came home from the hospital today! I was surprised when MrKB told me she would be home, because we were told to expect her to spend at least two weeks in the hospital. Then again, we were told she'd be in ICU for at least 3 days, and she only spent 1 day there...guess Mom was determined to get out of there ASAP!

She is doing very well...much, MUCH more like the Mom we know and love...just now she's a bald Mom with about 37 staples in her head! LOL She's glad to be home, even though she's still in significant pain. She described going through this surgery as "going to hell and back", and is not sure she's going to go in for another surgery to get the rest of the tumors. I guess I can understand her being apprehensive about going through this again, but it's gotta be done! I have a feeling she will end up going, but only because the rest of the family is gonna make her go!

My two beautiful stepdaughters are here for a week! We told Mom and Dave that Patrick and Angelica were gonna HAVE to stay somewhere else for the week, since we'd have ALL FOUR of our girls here, and there's not enough room for six kids in our apartment. MrKB's Uncle has them at least for the week, thank for six people is bad enough...I don't wanna cook for EIGHT! LOL

It's really nice having the girls here...they are 15 and 13, so we've got built-in babysitters for a week!!! LOL j/k....we don't expect them to spend all their time here babysitting their younger sisters. They did watch them for us for a few hours Saturday night so we could get away for awhile. They understood that we've just been crazy busy having our niece and nephew here for the last six weeks and we haven't had any time for ourselves. Today we just all hung out together at home and really enjoyed each other's company.

One thing we're definitely gonna do while the big girls are here is take them ALL to have their pictures done together. This is the first time we've had all four of our daughters together....before when my stepkids were here, it was always one or the other of them, not both. I can't wait to have a portrait of all my girls!! :)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Finally!!! I Can Report Some Good News!!!

First, a great big THANK YOU to all of you who kept Mom in your thoughts and prayers!! MrKB, me and our whole family appreciate it more than you could know.

The surgery went VERY well...the tumor they went in after today was about the size of a golf ball, and fortunately had NOT attached itself to any brain tissue whatsoever, which made the neurosurgeons' jobs much easier. Also, as far as can be told right now, it appears to be benign and not malignant as they originally thought. We won't know for certain until after it's been analyzed in the lab. I bet y'all can just imagine our relief!!

MrKB and I didn't get to see her after surgery...she spent a couple hours in recovery and we unfortunately had to leave to pick up her kids from school before she was transferred to ICU. We plan to go back up to the hospital in a few hours after we both get some much needed rest. I'll be sure to update you guys on her condition when I get back. Last we heard, she was still a bit sedated.

THANK YOU again for all the prayers, positive thoughts, and support! You guys ROCK! :)

*update* We didn't end up going back to the hospital to see Mom tonight. She is in a lot of pain right now, and her head is hurting her so badly she has requested complete silence in her room and is not up for a bunch of visitors. We will be going to see her tomorrow after MrKB gets home from work.

It's been a very long, emotionally exhausting day. The kids and MrKB are all in bed now, and I'm going to stay up just a bit longer and enjoy the quiet. :)

Monday, October 02, 2006

Brain Surgery Scheduled!! Please Pray!!! we just got back a little bit ago from taking the kids up to the hospital to see Mom. Thankfully, she is basically the Mom we all know and love, thanks to getting some much needed necessary medication. She looked great and felt great! A whole 360 degree change from the state she was in Friday evening.

Anyway, we were all there when the neurosurgeon came in to talk to Mom. She will be having surgery on Wednesday morning at 7:30a.m. It is expected to take 4-6 hours. They will be trying to remove the largest tumor on her brain at this time, then she will be in ICU for maybe a week. Then comes about two months of recovery, and after that they will go in for a second surgery on the next tumor. The largest one is in the front of her head and is the one causing most of her problems right now so it is the one they want to address first.

I am so scared, y'all. I may come across as being strong, and maybe I am...but inside I am just a scared little girl who's falling to pieces! There was a guy the same age as I am (34) who just passed away after having brain surgery for cancer. He went into a coma and never came out of it. I am absolutely terrified of this happening to Mom!

Please, PLEASE...pray to whatever God, Goddess, or whoever you believe in, and if you can get anyone you know to pray for a perfect stranger, please do!! It means so much to us and our family...THANK YOU!

Okay...I think I'm gonna break down and cry....I don't feel very strong right now.

More Stuff on Mom...

Mom was taken to the hospital by ambulance on Friday...Aunt found her unresponsive so called them. She came around a little, and went through another CT scan and MRI. They showed little to no change in the tumors, but she had some fluid build up in her head. When asked by two different neurologists what year it was, both times she said "2007" and then "2009". She also thought Gore was the President. It was an emotionally exhausting day for us, as we spent most of it there at the E.R. waiting to hear some sort of news on Mom's condition.

She was admitted to the hospital again, and on Saturday was doing much better. It turned out she'd also been having mild seizures, and after being given 1000 mg of Dilantin, along with anti-nausea and pain meds she was a lot more herself. She at least on Friday recognized most of us who were there...all her brothers and sisters, their spouses, MrKB, me and her husband, and even my Daddy came up there. When she recognized MrKB and he went to give her a hug, they both started crying and just held each other for a long time. It took all I had not to break down myself...I'm fighting the tears now as I type this. I couldn't have asked for a better mother-in-law and I love her so much that sometimes it feels like it's my own Mom who's so sick!

Anyway, she is going to have surgery...we will find out today exactly when, and they are going to try and remove three of the tumors and relieve some of the pressure on her brain. One of them is in the occipital part of the brain, or on the occipital nerve...I can't remember...which would explain the problems she's been having with her vision. When she goes for this surgery, she will need the prayers and positive thoughts more than ever y'all. Brain scares me so much!!! I'm so scared she won't make it through, or she will but won't know any of us anymore or worse.

Her kids are still with us. We sat them down over the weekend and let them know just how sick she really is...we told them about the tumors, the surgery, everything. We didn't want to be the ones to tell them, but we felt it was time for them to know. We didn't want the worst to happen, and lose Mom without them having a clue, it would just make things worse. So now they know, and they know that there's the possibility she might not make it through the surgery itself, though we told them that's the case with any surgery. We told them to pray and send out positive thoughts, and that she has a lot of people thinking of her, praying for her, and that the angels are watching over her too. My niece cried some, but my nephew didn't...he asked a lot of questions, and you could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he processed all this information. He's got a way of trying to sort things out logically as he tries to make sense of things. I don't think it will really hit him until he actually sees Mom in the hospital himself. They are going to see her today sometime.

We were going to take all the kids to see her on Saturday, but some asshole slashed a tire on our vehicle, and the only spare we had was a tire that was already bad and separating. Oh, MrKB was PISSED, lemme tell ya! I was not happy either, of course. I mean, geez...what else is gonna be dumped on us?!? We don't have any extra money floating around for crap like this! We had to go to Wal-Mart anyway, and we checked tire prices while there...cheapest one was close to $51, and now we needed two. Mentioned it to my Mom yesterday on the phone, and even though my folks are pretty cash strapped right now theirselves, she insisted on getting the tires for us, because after all, her grandbabies ride around in that vehicle! At least she could put them on her credit card...all we use is cash, no credit cards here.

Long sigh....

I do have a bit of good news though! MrKB talked to his Dad yesterday, and he is doing pretty good right now. His doctors say his cancer is doing's slowed down significantly, which is good. He said his legs are the only thing really bothering him right now, but that is from diabetes and not the cancer. He was in good spirits and he and MrKB talked on the phone for quite awhile. They usually don't talk more than a few minutes usually.

MrKB also talked to his daughters in Texas for awhile too. He told them what's been going on with Mom, so now they know also. He says my oldest stepdaughter sounded upset when he told her, but the youngest started crying on the phone. The good news is that they are fixing to be on their Fall Break from school next week. MrKB talked for a long time to his ex-wife also (which is just about unheard of! LOL) and told her what's been going on...she said she wondered about the smaller child support payments that she'd received, though she wasn't concerned. Well, SHE'S the one that mentioned the girls were going to be out of school, and said that we could come get them so they could spend the time with us here in Oklahoma! She said she wants them to get to see their Grandma too...which in itself was a shock...long story short, she's never wanted to allow them to see her before. MrKB's Mom has almost NO relationship whatsoever with them due to some falling out between her and their Mom when the girls were very little. At any rate, we will be traveling down to Texas to pick them up probably this next Saturday. :) We will have them for maybe a week, we're not sure yet.

Hey Monica!!! We could maybe meet up somewhere when we pick them up, or maybe when it's time to take them back home. Email me if you think you wanna... We could do lunch! :)

As for me, I'm still hanging in there...

Thursday, September 28, 2006

On Being a Mom...

I found this the other day over at my friend Bekah's, and I just had to repost it here myself. I'm also gonna show y'all the newest pics of my girls along with it.

On Being a Mom

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her.

I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?"

That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her! That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be running into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However, decisive she may be at the office, she will second-gue
ss herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her children accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks w
ill become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.

"You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfri
ends who may someday be Moms.

May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.

Now, with all that being are the ones that are deeply in my heart, even if they didn't come from my womb...I am still the one they know and call "Mommy."
Enjoy these new pictures, taken just two days ago. :)

Look how much she's grown since her 1st
birthday back in April! Size 18 months clothes barely lasted her the summer, she's already getting into 2T's! Good thing she's got hand-me-downs from big sister Destiny. :)