Thursday, September 28, 2006

On Being a Mom...

I found this the other day over at my friend Bekah's, and I just had to repost it here myself. I'm also gonna show y'all the newest pics of my girls along with it.

On Being a Mom

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her.

I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?"

That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her! That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be running into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However, decisive she may be at the office, she will second-gue
ss herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her children accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks w
ill become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.

"You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfri
ends who may someday be Moms.

May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.

Now, with all that being are the ones that are deeply in my heart, even if they didn't come from my womb...I am still the one they know and call "Mommy."
Enjoy these new pictures, taken just two days ago. :)

Look how much she's grown since her 1st
birthday back in April! Size 18 months clothes barely lasted her the summer, she's already getting into 2T's! Good thing she's got hand-me-downs from big sister Destiny. :)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


I went over to my Mom's for a bit and left MrKB home with four kids by himself for a change. It's SO quiet over there! But when I got home, there was more bad news about his Mom.

Apparently, today she's had the worst day yet. She again is not able to see, and now she's lost control of her bowels, which I imagine means her body is starting to shut down. She still has no medical care's like the ER can tell her, "Well, you've got some tumors in your head and looks like you have lung cancer too, but other than telling you about it we can't really help you since you have no money." Such bullshit! I wonder how many people die waiting like she is to MAYBE get some help.

They had applied for emergency Medicaid with a referral from a doctor MrKB's Aunt has been seeing for her own cancer...get this...Mom's husband makes just $200/month too much for her to qualify!!!!! I'm so mad, and sad, and upset that I just want to SCREAM!

They've been married for over 17 years and are going to DIVORCE just so Mom can get some medical care. Ain't that a bitch?? I can't believe this's just freakin' unbelievable that citizens of a country as rich as ours suffer like this. I really hope the next President we have does something about it.

This much we DO know...if she doesn't get treatment, she's been given about two months to live. Which means she wouldn't make it to her next birthday in December, or Christmas, or to see the girls be adopted.

Damn....I feel so helpless....

Monday, September 25, 2006

Wow...10 Days Already??

Since my last post?? Damn, I HAVE been busy, haven't I? It's a wonder my head is still attached to my shoulders, 'cuz I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off these days.

First of all...Mom...yeah...not looking good. She is still feeling really bad most of the time and still gets headaches. She sleeps a lot. There's also been additional...ummm...I guess you'd call them "symptoms". One day she couldn't see anything. Not like total darkness not seeing, but she couldn't tell what ANYTHING was. She's also been having a lot of double vision. Also, one day our Aunt who she's staying with found her passed out in the sink in the bathroom. She's been doing strange things the day she just suddenly got up from the couch out of a dead sleep and went to walking around outside. When our Aunt asked her what she was doing, she looked dazed and confused as she said, "I don't know."

Still no official date for any kind of surgery. We're still waiting for financial won't do anything until then. Found out just one surgery is going to cost a MINIMUM of $100,000!! That's right. One. Hundred. THOUSAND. Good grief! Yeah, and while we wait, she gets worse. Prayers and good vibes are desperately needed, y'all! I'm so worried that something terrible will happen and we'll lose her before she can get the help she needs to possibly get better. (Odds of her getting completely better are slim, I know, but we're not ready to let her go yet. I want her to be able to be around to see these girls be adopted, for one thing.)

Her kids are still here with us. It's been 3 weeks as of last Thursday, and I'm ready for them to go home. I love them dearly, but they aren't my kids and I've got enough to deal with already. Don't get me wrong, I will help out and take care of them as long as I'm needed. I do it because I love my Mother-in-law. Doesn't mean I have to like it though.

NOW...moving on...looks like finally something else is happening with the adoption process. We have a caseworker coming out to the house on Thursday for the home assessment. Which means I will be cleaning like a mad lady over the next couple of days. There is a problem, though. A few days ago the ceiling in Des' room starting leaking. Turns out a hot water heater from another apartment was leaking and traveled down to our place. (didn't come from directly upstairs either, go figure.) So right now there's a giant hole in the ceiling where the maintenance man cut out sheetrock, and there's a nasty smell in the room now. I'm guessing they're gonna have to pull up the carpet in her room now and replace it. I am going to talk to the manager after I pick the kids up from school and let her know we're having the home assessment done on Thursday, so they need to get people here to fix this shit a.s.a.p. We can't even let Destiny sleep in her room right now, much less play in it because it stinks so badly. I hope this doesn't cause problems with things as far as the adoption goings on.

That's the major news in my life right now....I'm just taking it day by day, trying to hold on to my sanity.

Friday, September 15, 2006

I'm Still Alive...

Though I am freaking EXHAUSTED!

MrKB's Mom has been sick every day since she went to the hospital. She spent a couple of days in the hospital while doctors ran a crapload of tests, and then basically kicked her out for not having insurance. So she's still been staying with MrKB's Aunt and Uncle, and we are all just waiting to hear SOME sort of news. We don't even know the results of all the tests!! She is supposed to see a different doctor today, so hopefully I'll have something new to report soon...I dunno.

Her kids have been living with us for just over two weeks now, and I don't know how long they will continue to stay with us. They keep asking when they will go back home, and all we can tell them is that we don't know. In the meantime, I have been the one taking them back and forth to school, which I hate, because it means I have to be up way earlier than I'd like...especially on Tuesdays and Wednesdays because my nephew has tutoring before school and has to be there at 7 freaking 30 a.m.! Bleh!!! I not only have to get those two up and ready every morning, but there's my own two also, because of course I have to get them dressed and load 'em up in the carseats and take them along.

Cooking for six people every night really sucks too....especially since I HATE to cook, and ordering out is not an option since MrKB missed so much work the last couple of weeks. His paycheck last week was only $37 after taxes and child support got taken. I hate being so broke....we've actually started arguing about money lately...something we've never really done before.

My niece was a brat yesterday morning and royally pissed me off. She's grounded today because she ended the day pissing me off as well. Not a good idea to majorly piss me off first thing in the morning, and then for her to go and do it right before bedtime...GRRRRR! I tell you what, those two had better wise up and QUIT FUCKING LYING TO ME about all kinds of stuff!!! They've both been caught in lies every time they've tried and still haven't got a clue. And now they wonder why I don't believe a word out of their mouths! Well, duh!! I will ask questions of your teachers when it comes to school....I WILL find out the truth of whatever the situation is, so make all our lives easier and just tell the truth in the first place, kiddo...even if you get in trouble, you'll be in a lot less than you would be if I find out you lied to me!

Oh yeah...she also got completely banned from picking Meghan up for any reason for a long, LONG time. Remember when she dropped her while trying to put her over the baby gate?? Well, the other night her and Meghan were both in here in the living room playing. Niece kept picking her up every 2 or 3 minutes even after being repeatedly told not to pick her up so much by both me and the hubby. Well, she kept doing it, and ended up dropping her AGAIN...This time on her head!! The back of it, but still. (Meghan is okay, thankfully, but lord how she screamed!) Oh, she was in SO much trouble!

My nephew hasn't been too bad the last few days...but then again, he's been grounded for almost a week now. Grounded in our house is a whole lot different than it is at his Mom's house! All he's been allowed to do is stay on his bed and read. Period. No TV, no video games, nothing. We'll see how long the good behavior lasts when he's ungrounded...but he still won't have his video games since he is already FLUNKING the 5th grade and it's still just the first quarter!! The boy has a 28 average in math!! He brought home math homework Monday night, and he sat at the table for 4 freaking hours and didn't get a single problem done!! He refuses to seriously TRY to even do it...and it's not math that is all that was division, like 32 into 2,348 or something. Math is not all he's failing...the only real passing grades he has are in Music and Gym for fuck's sake. Yeah, so no video games until his grades are all brought up to at least a C average. D's are not acceptable any longer. (They never were to my parents at all, but his have let them slide since they were at least passing grades.)

Top it all off with not having sex lately, thanks to a particularly nasty yeast infection from all the antibiotics that were loaded into my body after surgery. TMI, I know! Yeesh...I haven't had one in years, and MrKB and Aunt BOTH had to go and say I might get one 'cuz of the antibiotics, so I blame them!! Fun stuff.

Sorry if it seems I'm just complaining in this post. I am tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, and it's got me in a funk big time. I'm frazzled, stressed, worried about Mom-in-law, and just life in general sucks.

I'm glad today is Friday...I'm SO finishing off that tequila that's in my freezer tonight!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

2,996 My Tribute In Honor and Memory of Daniel Lugo

September 11, 2001 is a day that will never be forgotten in the minds of many Americans...or the world. "2,996" is a project that was started to bring bloggers together to honor each one of the victims of that awful day. I am proud to be a participant, and to share what little I know of Daniel Lugo, who perished in the World Trade Center at age 45. Parts of this tribute are my own words, and parts are from information I was able to find about Daniel online. My words will be in purple. I've never done something like this before, so please forgive me if I'm not particularly eloquent!

I Remember
Daniel Lugo,45
World Trade Center

World Trade Center


Daniel Lugo's asthma was acting up, and his physician had detected the advent of prostate cancer and was debating the most effective course of treatment. Everybody gave him the same advice: leave his job as a Summit security guard at the World Trade Center, and concentrate on getting healthy. But Mr. Lugo, 45, didn't listen.

Instead, he switched from the night to the day shift on Sept. 10 and asked his supervisors to give him lobby duty rather than the usual spot shifts throughout the towers. That was his only concession to his iffy health. He told his sister Eneida Lugo that he had no intention of dozing on the living room sofa collecting disability: "I'm a man," he said, "I need to work."

She cannot remember a time when he was not industrious on all fronts: back in Puerto Rico, their mother had taught him to cook, clean, and fend for himself. A bachelor until a few years ago, when he met his wife, Olga, at a Pentecostal church in Upper Manhattan where he served as a pastor, Mr. Lugo kept up with his mother's lessons. "He even did his own laundry," Mrs. Lugo said. "He was taught that you don't depend on anybody else."

But anybody could depend on him, his sister said.

Profile published in the NEW YORK TIMES on October 12, 2001.

Unfortunately, this was the best as far as information about Daniel that I could come up with...Most sites with his name were lists of all of the victim's names. I did see one place where a couple of people who had known Daniel commented. One gentlemen commented that he had worked with him years before, and remembered him as a kind and gentle soul, who always had a smile on his face.

*edit* I thought there MUST be more I can find out about Daniel, so I did a little digging. I was able to determine that Daniel had a twin brother, David, who misses him terribly. I cannot imagine the pain he must have felt, losing his mirror image. Twins have an extra special bond, and I know that Daniel is probably up in heaven watching over his brother and all his family.

Dear Daniel,
From what little I know about you, I'm sure that I would have been proud to know you, had we ever met. I hope that you are happy wherever you are now, and that you are at peace. Thinking of you during this are not forgotten!

*The site for Project 2,996 has unfortunately been shut down due to traffic. Please click here for the complete list of links for all the tributes.*

*please note* This is a sticky will remain at the top for about a week, so it will be easy for other participants in 2,996 to find. Other current posts are below. Thank you for stopping by!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Remembering September 11th

September 11, goes down in my mental memory bank as a day in my lifetime to never forget. Has it really been five years since that terrible day??

It was kind of weird, really, for me. I am from Oklahoma City, born and raised, and on the day of the OKC Bombing, I was in bed asleep when it happened. My Mom called early in the morning (early for me, since I worked evenings) and told me to turn on the news. Fast forward to September 11th, it was the same thing! My husband and I were both asleep in bed, and once again Mom called and told us to turn on the news. Talk about deja vu!

We turned on the TV to see the first tower had been hit, and we were just incredulous to hear that an airplane had slammed into it. I remember thinking it must be some sort of freak accident...but we watched on live television, the second tower was hit. It was then that I knew that it was no accident. I got the same sick feeling in the pit of my st
omach that I had six years before on the day of the OKC bombing. The same helpless feeling. The same scared-to-death-omg-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening feeling. It's a feeling I hope to never have to feel again!

Like the rest of the nation, and then the world, I spent the rest of the day glued to the images I was seeing on the TV. I
thought about a friend of I only knew online, who at the time was living in New Jersey. I could only imagine the chaos he must be witnessing as people made their way across the Hudson River and streamed into New Jersey. I remember watching in absolute horror as people started to actually JUMP to their certain deaths from high up in the towers. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about the desperation these people must have been feeling to do such a thing. And husband and I, holding hands so tightly our fingers were surely turning white, watched as the first tower fell...and then...the second one. I remember thinking, "My God...the New York skyline will never be the same...New York, America, the WORLD will never be the same!

And we're not. Just as I'd witnessed in Oklahoma City, people immediately came to the aid of their fellow human beings. They came mourn....and to heal. At the time of the OKC bombing, New York reached out to us, sending in crews to help in the search for survivors. This time, it was our turn to help, in any way we could. It always amazes me to see people come together in situations like this. To help, give, and heal...with no thought, and no concern over it being just another stranger, or to race, or religion. In situations like that fateful day in September, it's about compassion for fellow human beings. I see that happening, and I wonder...WHY can we not have peace in the world??

On this day, I remember. I remember Mr. Daniel Lugo, whose tribute you see above is my small part in the project "2,996" which has brought bloggers from all over the world together, each to honor one specific victim with a tribute in their memory. I hope I did Daniel justice w
ith mine. I also remember each of the 2,995 others who were lost on this day five years ago. My heart goes out to each and every one of their friends and family on this difficult anniversary.

Join me in remembering, won't you?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


Mom went into the hospital on Monday. They were going to put her in ICU but decided to give her a regular room for now so that family can come and visit her. We still don't know very much, and they haven't done any surgeries on her yet, possibly will be doing one on Friday. From what I've heard from what MrKB's found out, there is even more than the 3 masses already found. He talked to her this morning, and she herself doesn't know anything. The hospital has been running like a gazillion tests on her, and still has tests to run, but they haven't been telling her the results of any of them. She says her doctor keeps beating around the bush about it, and it's pissing her off. I don't blame her! The not knowing would drive me insane. She talked to the hospital administrator and told him that she can't take the being kept in the dark and that she wants to know everything step by step, not when they finally finish all the freaking tests.

I don't think I've ever had a more stressful few weeks in my life. Hubby is still quite upset, and has broke down a couple times. I haven't cried much yet...I feel like I need to be the strong one this time, for him. He actually said at one point while in tears, "I'm not ready to lose my Mama." He's NEVER called her Mama in all the time we've been together! It really broke my heart to hear my husband, who has always been so strong for me, sound like such a lost little boy! All I could do was wrap my arms around him and hold him close. I can't fix this for him, and I hate it!

On top of everything else, we still have her kids staying with us. Two extra kids (ages 10 and 9) and that means more food to buy...more laundry to do...more overall aggravation. They don't have any idea what all is going on yet, we haven't told them. All they know is that Mom is sick and has to be in the hospital for a bit. I'm guessing they'll be staying with us indefinitely. They have school, and their Dad goes to work hours before they leave and gets off work hours after they get out. Then of course Mom needs him with her at the hospital as much as he can.

Insert big sigh here...

Oh yeah...I got the first couple of bills from my own hospital stay...$866 for anesthesia?!!? WTF?? and something like $349 for the CT scan they did on my belly. Already over $1,000 worth of bills, and that's not counting the ones I'll be getting from the hospital itself....or the doctors....Good grief.

Please...we need all the prayers we can get!! And if you wanna send me money, that helps too! (only halfway joking there...but I don't expect it, really! This is definitely a time when I wish there was such a thing as a Money Tree!)

Anyway, I'll let y'all know when I know....Thank you all for the comments on my last post! Oh, and I'll let you know about the drama filled weekend, sometime soon...that happened the one BEFORE I had my surgery. It was a doozy, lemme tell you. I've had a post about it in draft, but I haven't got around to finishing it yet. I will tell you this much...I literally lost my best friend.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

How Much More???

As if we don't have enough drama in our lives already...this weekend is a good example of irony. You know last weekend I spent it in the hospital getting an appendectomy. (I am doing fine, still a little sore, and still can't pick up Meghan or even vacuum the floor, but I'm healing well.) We were supposed to watch my Mom-in-law's kids that weekend, and she ended up watching ours (again!) instead. I felt SO guilty, you wouldn't believe!

Well, THIS weekend, we have her kids so she could have a garage sale without them underfoot. Last night SHE went to the same hospital E.R. that I did, because she has had a horrible headache for two days that she couldn't get rid of. We thought it might be stress, but the doctors there discovered THREE tumors in her head!! MrKB is down right now at his Aunt's house where she spent last night and apparently the family has decided he's the one that should make any of Mom's medical decisions. The doctor wants to talk to him...I'm not sure if it's the one she saw at the E.R. or the neurosurgeon she's going to see on Tuesday.

Don't know if y'all saw the irony of the situation...I just found it ironic that just last weekend she watched our kids while I went to the E.R. and this weekend we are watching hers while she went to the same E.R. She would be staying in the hospital too, but they didn't have any beds available. I guess I lucked out last weekend.

All I know so far is about the 3 masses that were found in her head, and apparently the doctor is wanting MrKB's Aunt and Uncle to wake her up every two hours and check on her.

My question is how much more are we going to have to deal with??? Besides the stuff with the girls, we've also been dealing with watching MrKB's Dad battle cancer. We've watched him deteriorate A LOT in the past year, and don't expect him to make it much past Christmas. Found out recently that MY Granddad has lung cancer...MrKB's Aunt (the same one taking care of Mom now) has also been battling cancer for awhile now. She is stage 4 and doctors don't give her much time left either, but to look at her you wouldn't have a clue she's even sick! So that's 3 people close to us...Now this with Mom! No idea yet if these tumors are cancerous or benign...let's hope they're benign, and they can get them out.

This all just really sucks...and I'm scared.

*edit* Yeah, so he just came back home to let me know what's up....It's definitely fucking cancer...not only in her brain, but apparently her lungs too, which is where the doctors think it started. My poor hubby is trying so hard to keep himself together. Now he has BOTH parents with a cancer diagnosis, and it doesn't look good for either one of them.