Thursday, August 10, 2006

Adoption...

No...not my adoption of the girls, I don't have any news on that other than I finished the paperwork for the "application for adoption" and got it sent in. Now I hurry up and wait. Andy's foster parents' lawyer says this should all be done by the end of the year. So hopefully by Christmas, they will be ours forever!

All this adoption stuff has got me to thinking about my own. You see, the man I call "Daddy" is not my biological father. Even so, he is definitely Daddy! He's been there for me since I was younger than Meghan is now, and he means so much to me. He adopted me when he and my Mom got married, and gave me his last name. His is the name on my birth certificate where the Father's name goes.

I've known since I was a kid that he wasn't my biological father. My Mom told me that the man who got her pregnant when she was 19 took off when she told him, and never wanted anything to do with me. She's even told me that when I lost my hearing in my good ear at 10 years old she got in touch with him to try and find out some medical history, and she says that he STILL didn't want anything to do with me, 10 years later.

Forgive me if this post doesn't always make sense. I've just got these thoughts going around in my head, and I'm trying to get them out.

Anyway....so I'm grown up now...34 years old and have never met my biological father. He's never contacted me. I don't even know if he's tried to find me, but he's got a better chance of finding me than I do him. Why? Because my Mom REFUSES to give me any information about him other than his name is "David" and he had red hair. That doesn't help in a search, that's for sure.

Believe me, I've TRIED several times to get her to give up more information, but she just won't!! She's stubborn and has her reasons, I suppose, but I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW!! She told me one time when I was asking her that it would really hurt my Daddy if I was to go looking for biodad. So a bit later I sat down with Daddy and talked to him about it. Maybe it hurt him a little to know that I wanted to know, but he didn't show it, and he told me he understood. He said that he thought it might hurt my Mom more. He gave me his blessing, but he wouldn't give me any information about biodad either. He might honestly not know though...but he said it wasn't his place to tell me, that it was something my Mom had to do.

I don't know.

It makes me angry with my Mom. Why can she not see and understand that I need to know? I have the right to know where I "come from". My biological roots. I don't look like my sister at all, and only a little like my Mom. My sister is lucky, by the way, Daddy IS her biodad...so she KNOWS where she comes from. Half of my family tree I'm only related to by marriage!

I wonder if I look like him....I wonder if I have other brothers or sisters out there somewhere...I wonder if they know about me...I wonder if he ever thinks of me, or regrets not knowing me...I wonder if he's ever tried to find me. (I've spent hours on adoption search boards though, and have never found anyone looking for me.)

Trying to get my original birth certificate would be difficult. Adoptions are closed here in Oklahoma...at least ones from when I was born. To get my original certificate, I would have to go to the courts and try and get my records opened. If it ever comes to that, I will, but I hope it doesn't.

My Granddad is not my Mom's biodad either, but at least she KNOWS who hers is...though I've heard stories that he's not a nice man at all. But still, she knows.

It's not her right not to tell me. I should be able to make the decision of whether or not I want to contact him. And if I do, and I find out myself that he doesn't want a relationship with me, so be it. I just want the chance to know.

My girls will know they are adopted when they are old enough to understand. I will tell them who their bioparents are and how they came to be adopted. I don't want them to find out on their own when they're teenagers or something that the people they know as their Aunt and Uncle are actually their parents, and Mom and Dad are really their Aunt and Uncle. I know that if I grew up and found out something like that it would make me very angry. Being partially adopted myself, I feel they have the right to know. Right now, of course, they aren't old enough to understand.

Ugh...Every time I get to thinking about this, I get mad at my Mom. I've tried MANY times to get her to give me information, but it gets me nowhere. She just can't, or won't, see things from my point of view. I'm thinking about asking my Grandmother, but I don't know if she'll tell me either. Can't hurt to ask.

Thanks for listening to my vent....it's been on my mind for awhile lately, and I needed to get some things out.

14 comments:

The Real Kidd said...

You know, it’s funny about stuff like that. My FIL was adopted by the guy he called dad when he was little. His mother gave him his biodads name, but he never cared to look for the guy. My MIL was adopted by the guy she calls dad when she was little. She has no need or want to find out biodads name or anything about him.

To me I would want to know. I would ask questions and do searches and look until I had all the information I could find, but they don’t care or want to know. So I can’t really look myself. I think about it from the medical history point of it. What if there is something that runs in the family? Diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure? What if it is something rare that you just wouldn’t know about without looking at the family history? Sigh, oh well. It’s not my place to question and look I guess.

I’m sorry that your mother doesn’t want or can’t give you the information that you desire. Maybe someday she will give in and give you at least a complete name. ((hug))

Monica said...

I'm sorry. That's a rough one, kiddo. (Yeah, I can say that, you're younger than me).

Seriously, I'm trying to think that maybe your mother doesn't want to see you hurt. But I so understand what and why you need to do this. My biological father isn't in my life either. I don't want anything to do with him. That's my choice. And yes, it should be yours to make as well. You're welcome to ask me about mine through email and any suggestions I might have to help you persuade your mom I'll be glad to help with.

Take care. :)

SignGurl said...

*Passes second bottle of Tequila*


Burrrrrp!

yep, it's me.... said...

sometimes....
mom's do know better.
.... mostly, mom's try never to hurt us or let us get hurt.

halo said...

Im with you on this one Babe, it is your right to know. She really has no right not telling you now that your an adult.

Sorry Honey, she'll come around I hope.

Chris said...

I think you have a right to know honey. I hope your Mom comes around and tells you what you need to know. *hugs*

yep, it's me.... said...

sweetie - you absolutely have the RIGHT -
- but having the right to do something doesn't mean it will be good for us.

I hope the best for you in this endeveaor - just seems if he was a warm loving guy, you might already know it.
And with all the pain and crud we all put up with I wouldn't go knocking on the door for any more.
You're a sweetheart and I'll just wish you love.

Mel Chickk said...

Your moms reason for not telling you was because she didn't want to hurt your dad, but you have talked to him and he said he understood and she still wont tell you. Maybe she thinks she is protecting you from something so I'm guessing that she isn't going to change her mind if she hasn't told you by now. Have you told her that you are prepared to go to court to have your records opened? Judging from her response to that, you might gain some insight into why she is keeping the information from you. She has to see though, that this isn't something you are just going to forget about. Frustrating, I'm sure.

Monica said...

Hi, thanks for the get well wishes...everything is good here..how are things going this week? :)

~April~ said...

I hope you do get some info from your mom. It's your RIGHT to have that info, it's in your blood.

Ask her to at least write it down, seal it in an envelope so that it's somewhere other than solely in her head.

MrsCoach2U said...

Same thing here! My dad went back to California when I was 18 months old, never seen or heard from him since. My Mom won't really tell me much either, I have one picture and it's not really a good one. I tried the internet search thing and came up with about 1000 names so that doesn't help either. It's not that I want to replace anyone or find out if I was better off, etc. it's just that it's still a part of me that's missing. I doubt I'd want to form any kind of bond but I'd like to know if my kids are at risk for certain health conditions, etc.

MrsCoach2U said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MamaKBear said...

Thanks guys for your opinions and support on this situation! It's nice to know I'm not alone with these feelings, and just needing to know, no matter what might happen from finding out the truth.

I love you guys!

Katie said...

Good luck with your mum!

I really enjoyed seeing all the new pictures! Thank you for sharing!