Ok, so I was tagged 3 times! First I was tagged with the 4 Things Meme by Heather and also by Kimberly . Here we go!
1. Four jobs I've had:
Cashier
Cosmetologist
Daycare Teacher
MOMMY
2. Four movies I can watch over and over:
The Breakfast Club
The Green Mile
When Harry Met Sally
Blue Collar Comedy Tour (1 & 2)
3. Four favorite books:
The Green Mile by Stephen King
Rose Red by Stephen King
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank
4. Four places I've lived:
Oklahoma City, OK...born and raised, currently living
San Diego, CA...just for a couple of months when ex was in Navy
Kingston, OK
Fletcher, OK...small town of 1,002 people
5. Four TV Shows I love:
E.R.
King of Queens
Yes, Dear
Bernie Mac Show
6. Four Places I've Vacationed:
Portland, Maine
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Anaheim, California (Disneyland baby!)
Quartz Mountain State Park, OK
7. Four of My Favorite Foods:
Chicken Fettucine Alfredo w/ Broccoli and Mushroom
Alaskan Snow Crab Legs
Peel 'n Eat Shrimp
Steak
8. Four Sites I Visit Daily: Only four?!?!
Here's Your Sign
Hillbilly Mansion
The Ramblings of a Redneck Diva
An Audience of One
I visit everyone in my blogroll daily.
9. Four Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:
Las Vegas, NV
Hawaii
Jamaica
Anywhere warm and tropical!
10. Four People I'm Tagging:
Bexxie
Possum
Kim
Addict
Whew!! That took longer than I thought! I've also been tagged by ~Lil Deb~ with "8 Things That Make a Perfect Partner"...That ones gonna take awhile, and I need to think on it a bit, so check back tomorrow! :)
I also want to thank everybody who left me a comment on the last post. It was definitely a very difficult decision to make, but we think it's for his best interests. I appreciate all the kind words and reassurance that we are doing the right thing. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!
Monday, January 30, 2006
A Mixed Emotions Weekend
I hope everybody had a good weekend! Mine wasn't bad, just filled with different emotions.
On Friday my Mom called with some surprising news. My Uncle Jimmy, who's been living in Australia, was in town for a visit. He's one of my favorite uncles and I so rarely get to see him, I was very happy to hear he was in town. We went out to lunch with my Mom, Jimmy, and my sister at Golden Corral. Got caught up as much as we could over the happenings of the last few years. Apparently he is working on moving over to Thailand, where my Uncle Richard has been living the last year or so. I asked my Mom "Why Thailand?" It seems it's pretty cheap to live over there, so that's a big factor. Jimmy has also been thinking about moving back home to the States in the next year or so. I really hope he does!
On Saturday, Meghan reached another little milestone. She can clap her hands now, and it's so cute! I gotta remember to write that down in her baby book, and try to get a picture of her when she's doing it. Still no teeth yet! At this rate, they'll probably end up coming in all at once!
All that was good stuff that happened. What I'm going to share with you next is not exactly bad...more like very sad.
On Friday we went and met with our lawyer. Found out it will cost us 1,500 bucks for him to help us fight for Andy. Plus, he needs it all upfront. Not good. He's still going to be working the adoption on the girls...DHS pays him for that, but not for stuff like fighting for Andy.
Then, Friday evening when we went to pick Andy up for his weekend visit, he was really throwing a fit...did NOT want to go with us. He didn't used to act this way. I don't know if it's because of something someone there has been telling him, or what, but the last couple of weeks he's been really resistant to coming for visits.
All the back and forth stuff is starting to really take it's toll on him, so MrKB and I have done a lot of talking this weekend. We've come to a decision, and it wasn't an easy one to make. We want what's best for Andy, and we don't want to make things harder on him. So we have decided that it is probably better to let him continue to stay where he is, and let the fosters adopt him.
It's not that we don't love him, or think we can't take just as good of care of him. We are just thinking of his best interests, and after much deliberation and soul searching, decided this will be best for him. We will continue to have visits with him, and we will make arrangements for a visitation schedule similar to what a divorced couple would do.
For now, we are going to cut back on the weekend visits. We think every weekend is too much for him right now, so we'll probably be doing every other weekend instead. This will also give us the chance to go out on weekends if we want to...it's easier to get a babysitter for just the girls than all three kids. We haven't got to go out, just the two of us in quite awhile, and we need it!
I suppose now the battle is over...I kinda feel like we're letting Andy down by not fighting more for him. He will understand better when he is older, but for now this is the best decision we can make regarding him. I found out something I didn't know before...the foster home he's in now is his 8TH one. I knew he'd been bounced around, but damn...poor baby. No wonder this whole thing has been starting to really stress him out and upset him.
I hope y'all aren't disappointed in us. It breaks my heart, but believe me, we talked about this A LOT, not just this weekend, but before too. Andy having his meltdown, was just kinda a deciding factor. We want him to be happy more than anything, and he is happy where he's at...he's had stability where he's at, and he needs that right now. I know that if we ended up with him, that EVENTUALLY he would be fine, but the adjustment might take him years.
Not sure what's going to happen next. Don't know if we'll still be having a mediation hearing or not....don't go back to court until April 24th. Hopefully, after the next court date we will be able to move forward on the adoption, and have it final by summer.
Sigh....at least I'll have my little girls.
On Friday my Mom called with some surprising news. My Uncle Jimmy, who's been living in Australia, was in town for a visit. He's one of my favorite uncles and I so rarely get to see him, I was very happy to hear he was in town. We went out to lunch with my Mom, Jimmy, and my sister at Golden Corral. Got caught up as much as we could over the happenings of the last few years. Apparently he is working on moving over to Thailand, where my Uncle Richard has been living the last year or so. I asked my Mom "Why Thailand?" It seems it's pretty cheap to live over there, so that's a big factor. Jimmy has also been thinking about moving back home to the States in the next year or so. I really hope he does!
On Saturday, Meghan reached another little milestone. She can clap her hands now, and it's so cute! I gotta remember to write that down in her baby book, and try to get a picture of her when she's doing it. Still no teeth yet! At this rate, they'll probably end up coming in all at once!
All that was good stuff that happened. What I'm going to share with you next is not exactly bad...more like very sad.
On Friday we went and met with our lawyer. Found out it will cost us 1,500 bucks for him to help us fight for Andy. Plus, he needs it all upfront. Not good. He's still going to be working the adoption on the girls...DHS pays him for that, but not for stuff like fighting for Andy.
Then, Friday evening when we went to pick Andy up for his weekend visit, he was really throwing a fit...did NOT want to go with us. He didn't used to act this way. I don't know if it's because of something someone there has been telling him, or what, but the last couple of weeks he's been really resistant to coming for visits.
All the back and forth stuff is starting to really take it's toll on him, so MrKB and I have done a lot of talking this weekend. We've come to a decision, and it wasn't an easy one to make. We want what's best for Andy, and we don't want to make things harder on him. So we have decided that it is probably better to let him continue to stay where he is, and let the fosters adopt him.
It's not that we don't love him, or think we can't take just as good of care of him. We are just thinking of his best interests, and after much deliberation and soul searching, decided this will be best for him. We will continue to have visits with him, and we will make arrangements for a visitation schedule similar to what a divorced couple would do.
For now, we are going to cut back on the weekend visits. We think every weekend is too much for him right now, so we'll probably be doing every other weekend instead. This will also give us the chance to go out on weekends if we want to...it's easier to get a babysitter for just the girls than all three kids. We haven't got to go out, just the two of us in quite awhile, and we need it!
I suppose now the battle is over...I kinda feel like we're letting Andy down by not fighting more for him. He will understand better when he is older, but for now this is the best decision we can make regarding him. I found out something I didn't know before...the foster home he's in now is his 8TH one. I knew he'd been bounced around, but damn...poor baby. No wonder this whole thing has been starting to really stress him out and upset him.
I hope y'all aren't disappointed in us. It breaks my heart, but believe me, we talked about this A LOT, not just this weekend, but before too. Andy having his meltdown, was just kinda a deciding factor. We want him to be happy more than anything, and he is happy where he's at...he's had stability where he's at, and he needs that right now. I know that if we ended up with him, that EVENTUALLY he would be fine, but the adjustment might take him years.
Not sure what's going to happen next. Don't know if we'll still be having a mediation hearing or not....don't go back to court until April 24th. Hopefully, after the next court date we will be able to move forward on the adoption, and have it final by summer.
Sigh....at least I'll have my little girls.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
My 13th Half-Nekkid Thursday
A quick update before I get to the HNT pic...The PPR went okay, I guess. Caseworker again stated that DHS wants Andy placed with us. Bad news? They are still saying that nothing can be done as far as the adoption on the girls until things are decided about Andy. Even though the judge already okayed it. Apparently she can OK it all she wants but the State office won't proceed until placement on all the kids is decided.
That made no sense to me. Since when is DHS higher than a judge's decision??? We finally got ahold of our lawyer today and we will be going in to see him on Friday to discuss the case. Maybe he'll be able to do something regarding the adoption, I don't know. Also, the adoption is not going to cost us anything, but we found out that for him to help us fight for Andy, it's going to cost...and come out of our pockets. We will at least need him for the mediation hearing. I don't know how much it will cost, but if we can't afford him or get something worked out, I don't know what we will do. Might have to end up giving Andy up.
Anyway, I know y'all are here for HNT, but I wanted to post a bit of an update for those who cared.
This week's HNT is what I consider to be my best feature. Lately they are very tired! So here ya go.....My eyes! BTW, this is without makeup...not even mascara. You should see 'em when they're all dressed up! LOL
That made no sense to me. Since when is DHS higher than a judge's decision??? We finally got ahold of our lawyer today and we will be going in to see him on Friday to discuss the case. Maybe he'll be able to do something regarding the adoption, I don't know. Also, the adoption is not going to cost us anything, but we found out that for him to help us fight for Andy, it's going to cost...and come out of our pockets. We will at least need him for the mediation hearing. I don't know how much it will cost, but if we can't afford him or get something worked out, I don't know what we will do. Might have to end up giving Andy up.
Anyway, I know y'all are here for HNT, but I wanted to post a bit of an update for those who cared.
This week's HNT is what I consider to be my best feature. Lately they are very tired! So here ya go.....My eyes! BTW, this is without makeup...not even mascara. You should see 'em when they're all dressed up! LOL
Let Me Introduce You...
...to my friend Bexxie!
Bexxie is an internet friend of mine from Australia. We've known each other for about 5 years now, used to chat all the time in an ICQ chatroom. She's really sweet, maybe a little weird (hehe!) and I love her to death!
Bex recently decided to join me over here in blogland and started her own blog. Do me a favor, go on over, check out her new place and show her some blogger love!
Today MrKB and I have that permenancy placement review to go to. I'm a bit nervous about it, since I have no idea what's going to happen. I hate unknowns.
Still haven't got ahold of our lawyer yet either. Playing phone tag basically. Very frustrating.
I'm so boring...nothing to write about! I need to clean the house, but I don't feel like it. It's not that bad, really...just a bit cluttered. I keep it looking pretty decent 'cuz I never know when someone from DHS will pop by unexpectedly.
That's all folks!
Bexxie is an internet friend of mine from Australia. We've known each other for about 5 years now, used to chat all the time in an ICQ chatroom. She's really sweet, maybe a little weird (hehe!) and I love her to death!
Bex recently decided to join me over here in blogland and started her own blog. Do me a favor, go on over, check out her new place and show her some blogger love!
Today MrKB and I have that permenancy placement review to go to. I'm a bit nervous about it, since I have no idea what's going to happen. I hate unknowns.
Still haven't got ahold of our lawyer yet either. Playing phone tag basically. Very frustrating.
I'm so boring...nothing to write about! I need to clean the house, but I don't feel like it. It's not that bad, really...just a bit cluttered. I keep it looking pretty decent 'cuz I never know when someone from DHS will pop by unexpectedly.
That's all folks!
Monday, January 23, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Well This is Fun...
This morning all three of the kids (Andy's here for his weekend visit) have got the shits. No idea what it's from, they didn't all eat the same thing, so I figure it's a bug from somewhere.
That, and the baby has a rash that just won't go away...and she's finally teething....poor thing probably doesn't feel very good today.
Sigh...at least they're not throwing up.
That, and the baby has a rash that just won't go away...and she's finally teething....poor thing probably doesn't feel very good today.
Sigh...at least they're not throwing up.
Friday, January 20, 2006
The Saga Continues...
As my regular readers know, we had to go to court yesterday regarding the kids. Things went better this time around...I didn't end up leaving extremely upset and in tears.
If you saw my edit to my HNT post, you know the big news. The judge gave the OK for us to move forward on adopting the girls. As far as they go, it's just a matter of the adoption paperwork getting started and being filed. We go back to court in April, and hopefully one of the things that happens then is the finalization on the adoption. I'm so excited about this, and it takes a load off of my mind.
Andy's situation is still undecided. His fosters had a lawyer in court with them this time, which was not good. He was saying how attached they were to him and how they don't want to lose him...many tears have been shed in his office over this little boy, blah, blah, blah. He told the judge that they should move forward with adoption.
The judge didn't think it was fair that they had representation in court and we didn't. She ordered a mediation hearing and then we go back to court April 24th.
DHS caseworker told the judge she wants him with us. So that was good, at least.
Everyone kept going on about the "best interests of the child". Just because Andy may be attached to the fosters doesn't mean it's his best interest to stay with them. Though the judge did say that if they ended up with him she would court order continued visits. But still...it's his best interest to be with actual blood family in my opinion. He's got that right. The right to know exactly where he comes from, and to know his extended family that loves him. We can teach him things that the fosters can't.
It's not like his family is full of drug fueled abusers after all. If it were a danger to him to be with us, then I could see him being permanently placed with them. But it's not the case. He's perfectly safe and loved with us and our families.
They tried to bring up the smoking issue again, but one of the lawyers that was there spoke up and said that smoking is not the issue here. We told the judge that we had quit since the last court date. Then the CASA worker brings up MrKB's mom again, saying that SHE smokes and is around the kids a lot. I spoke up and said she is NOT around them a lot, and when she is she doesn't smoke around them. Then MrKB told the judge that she is working on quitting also and we are supporting her and hoping that seeing what we've done will be a good influence on her. The judge nodded her head and nothing more was said about it.
So we will see what happens next. On the 25th, we will be going to a Permanency Placement Review at DHS. February 4th we have to have another "family meeting" with our family care provider, but this time the fosters are going to be there too. I really don't know what that is going to accomplish, and we're not real comfortable with it.
Oh yeah, in court the therapist also was saying that Andy's been having some behavior problems. I'm sorry but that can't be blamed on us. We've requested another therapist's opinion since this one is biased toward the fosters. Also, supposedly Andy has said he doesn't want to go when it comes time for visits with us. This was news to me since he's never showed any resistance to coming to our house. A lot of times he'll run right out the door to our van without saying goodbye even, and we have to have him come back and say his goodbyes.
We are getting so tired of all the bullshit. It's just getting ridiculous. It's ALMOST enough to make us give up and say fuck it, they can have him. That's what they are hoping for, I think. Ain't gonna happen!
Anyway, we are getting back in touch with our lawyer that we've talked to on and off about the case. Next time we will have our own lawyer in the courtroom and I bet they're not expecting that!
That's all I have to say!
If you saw my edit to my HNT post, you know the big news. The judge gave the OK for us to move forward on adopting the girls. As far as they go, it's just a matter of the adoption paperwork getting started and being filed. We go back to court in April, and hopefully one of the things that happens then is the finalization on the adoption. I'm so excited about this, and it takes a load off of my mind.
Andy's situation is still undecided. His fosters had a lawyer in court with them this time, which was not good. He was saying how attached they were to him and how they don't want to lose him...many tears have been shed in his office over this little boy, blah, blah, blah. He told the judge that they should move forward with adoption.
The judge didn't think it was fair that they had representation in court and we didn't. She ordered a mediation hearing and then we go back to court April 24th.
DHS caseworker told the judge she wants him with us. So that was good, at least.
Everyone kept going on about the "best interests of the child". Just because Andy may be attached to the fosters doesn't mean it's his best interest to stay with them. Though the judge did say that if they ended up with him she would court order continued visits. But still...it's his best interest to be with actual blood family in my opinion. He's got that right. The right to know exactly where he comes from, and to know his extended family that loves him. We can teach him things that the fosters can't.
It's not like his family is full of drug fueled abusers after all. If it were a danger to him to be with us, then I could see him being permanently placed with them. But it's not the case. He's perfectly safe and loved with us and our families.
They tried to bring up the smoking issue again, but one of the lawyers that was there spoke up and said that smoking is not the issue here. We told the judge that we had quit since the last court date. Then the CASA worker brings up MrKB's mom again, saying that SHE smokes and is around the kids a lot. I spoke up and said she is NOT around them a lot, and when she is she doesn't smoke around them. Then MrKB told the judge that she is working on quitting also and we are supporting her and hoping that seeing what we've done will be a good influence on her. The judge nodded her head and nothing more was said about it.
So we will see what happens next. On the 25th, we will be going to a Permanency Placement Review at DHS. February 4th we have to have another "family meeting" with our family care provider, but this time the fosters are going to be there too. I really don't know what that is going to accomplish, and we're not real comfortable with it.
Oh yeah, in court the therapist also was saying that Andy's been having some behavior problems. I'm sorry but that can't be blamed on us. We've requested another therapist's opinion since this one is biased toward the fosters. Also, supposedly Andy has said he doesn't want to go when it comes time for visits with us. This was news to me since he's never showed any resistance to coming to our house. A lot of times he'll run right out the door to our van without saying goodbye even, and we have to have him come back and say his goodbyes.
We are getting so tired of all the bullshit. It's just getting ridiculous. It's ALMOST enough to make us give up and say fuck it, they can have him. That's what they are hoping for, I think. Ain't gonna happen!
Anyway, we are getting back in touch with our lawyer that we've talked to on and off about the case. Next time we will have our own lawyer in the courtroom and I bet they're not expecting that!
That's all I have to say!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
My 12th Half-Nekkid Thursday
*EDIT* Not to take away from HNT, but we went to court today about the kids...Things with Andy are still up in the air (more on that later) but I couldn't wait to tell y'all the big news: The judge gave the OK to start the adoption process on the girls!!!! WE ARE OFFICIALLY GOING TO BE ADOPTING DESTINY AND MEGHAN!!!! I'm very relieved and excited and just had to share! :)
Sorry, if you were lookin' for more lingerie shots this week, I ain't got 'em!
Instead, I wanted to share a picture of the very first time I ever got to hold Meghan. This was taken at the hospital when she was about two weeks old, a few days before we got to bring her home. Her little hand is blurry 'cuz she decided to move right at that moment.
Since all you can really see of me is the side of my head and all my hair, I think this counts as half-nekkid, don't you?
Sorry, if you were lookin' for more lingerie shots this week, I ain't got 'em!
Instead, I wanted to share a picture of the very first time I ever got to hold Meghan. This was taken at the hospital when she was about two weeks old, a few days before we got to bring her home. Her little hand is blurry 'cuz she decided to move right at that moment.
Since all you can really see of me is the side of my head and all my hair, I think this counts as half-nekkid, don't you?
For more half-nekkidness, go and see Osbasso, Grand Poobah of all things Half Nekkid!! Click on the red button with the lady in lingerie for guidelines.
Happy HNT! :)
Monday, January 16, 2006
Many Thanks!!
Thank you to all of you who took the time to comment on my last post! I really do feel a lot better about the situation. Destiny is still getting into trouble a lot, and still gets on my nerves, but I love her very much and we will be okay. I was so relieved to hear that I'm NOT the only Mom who has felt this way...sometimes I think she'd be easier to take if I HAD got to have that time with her when she was a baby. Maybe that's true, but then maybe not.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger....right?? All I know is I am in this for the long haul. If I have anything to say about it, this will be her LAST foster home...it is going to be her FOREVER home.
Something else I have been thinking about, mostly since seeing Aughra's post with her big news. Even though I have these two little girls in my life now, I still desperately want to be pregnant and have a baby of my own with the man I love more than anything. I've tried so long and so hard, all the while watching my brother-in-law have kid after kid that he needed like a hole in his head....while watching my own sister have two kids. That was particularly hard for me. I am the oldest and was supposed to have kids first. Plus, she always said she didn't want kids! All my cousins, except for one, have had babies now. I still feel left out. And I still get a little jealous and envious when I hear someone is pregnant. I am happy for them, don't get me wrong....I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anybody. But it is still hard. Something is obviously wrong somewhere, and I can't afford to find out what it is.
Having Meghan in my life has helped tremendously in easing the pains in my heart. I am scared to death that something will happen for her to be taken away from me, and I don't think I could take that kind of pain. If that was to happen, you will surely find me locked up in a mental institution somewhere! But let's not think about that!!! Positive thoughts, right??
Lots of people told me when we first got Meghan, "Watch, now that you have the baby and are gonna have more kids, you will get pregnant since you won't be dwelling on it as much." Well, here it is 8 months later and still not pregnant. I know, you're thinking, "You've got so much going on already, why in the world would you want more?!?" I don't know. I guess this desire for my own child will never go away. Maybe it's not meant to be...but I sure hope it happens someday.
Anyway...we go back to court this Thursday. After what happened the last time, I am not looking forward to going. Hopefully I am worrying about nothing, and it will be completely different this time around. The biggest thing I'm hoping for is the judge will want us to go ahead and start adoption on the girls. I will feel so much better once they are adopted. I won't have to worry about them being taken from me anymore. There's no reason for them to be taken away, but it's still something you worry about in this kind of situation, believe me.
I'm not expecting any major decisions to be made regarding Andy. Maybe only a court order that we get him on his Spring Break, but that's still a ways away. Apparently we could have had him for at least a week over his Christmas break, but we just didn't think about the fact that he was out of school, and that if we'd asked we could have had him for a longer period of time. Not used to having a school-aged child. This was brought up at the last counseling session...they want us to be having more time with him than just the weekends, but him being in school makes that difficult. The reason being, is that when the judge does decide that he should be with us, she's gonna want him moved right then. The CASA worker and the therapist want him to be used to spending longer amounts of time with us before this happens.
Boy, I've just rambled on and on in this post. All I had originally intended was to say THANK YOU to y'all who commented in the last post. You really made me feel loads better, and it meant a lot to me that so many took the time to comment and share their views. More than you could ever know.
And oh yeah....Diva?? I think you NE bloggers need to come on down into the City and we could all go out to the new casino at Remington. Did ya know that the majority of the machines there don't have those stupid bingo cards on them?? No Redball though..they need to get that. Whatever, though, I'd love to meet up with y'all somewhere for a Girl's Night...that'd be so awesome! :)
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger....right?? All I know is I am in this for the long haul. If I have anything to say about it, this will be her LAST foster home...it is going to be her FOREVER home.
Something else I have been thinking about, mostly since seeing Aughra's post with her big news. Even though I have these two little girls in my life now, I still desperately want to be pregnant and have a baby of my own with the man I love more than anything. I've tried so long and so hard, all the while watching my brother-in-law have kid after kid that he needed like a hole in his head....while watching my own sister have two kids. That was particularly hard for me. I am the oldest and was supposed to have kids first. Plus, she always said she didn't want kids! All my cousins, except for one, have had babies now. I still feel left out. And I still get a little jealous and envious when I hear someone is pregnant. I am happy for them, don't get me wrong....I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anybody. But it is still hard. Something is obviously wrong somewhere, and I can't afford to find out what it is.
Having Meghan in my life has helped tremendously in easing the pains in my heart. I am scared to death that something will happen for her to be taken away from me, and I don't think I could take that kind of pain. If that was to happen, you will surely find me locked up in a mental institution somewhere! But let's not think about that!!! Positive thoughts, right??
Lots of people told me when we first got Meghan, "Watch, now that you have the baby and are gonna have more kids, you will get pregnant since you won't be dwelling on it as much." Well, here it is 8 months later and still not pregnant. I know, you're thinking, "You've got so much going on already, why in the world would you want more?!?" I don't know. I guess this desire for my own child will never go away. Maybe it's not meant to be...but I sure hope it happens someday.
Anyway...we go back to court this Thursday. After what happened the last time, I am not looking forward to going. Hopefully I am worrying about nothing, and it will be completely different this time around. The biggest thing I'm hoping for is the judge will want us to go ahead and start adoption on the girls. I will feel so much better once they are adopted. I won't have to worry about them being taken from me anymore. There's no reason for them to be taken away, but it's still something you worry about in this kind of situation, believe me.
I'm not expecting any major decisions to be made regarding Andy. Maybe only a court order that we get him on his Spring Break, but that's still a ways away. Apparently we could have had him for at least a week over his Christmas break, but we just didn't think about the fact that he was out of school, and that if we'd asked we could have had him for a longer period of time. Not used to having a school-aged child. This was brought up at the last counseling session...they want us to be having more time with him than just the weekends, but him being in school makes that difficult. The reason being, is that when the judge does decide that he should be with us, she's gonna want him moved right then. The CASA worker and the therapist want him to be used to spending longer amounts of time with us before this happens.
Boy, I've just rambled on and on in this post. All I had originally intended was to say THANK YOU to y'all who commented in the last post. You really made me feel loads better, and it meant a lot to me that so many took the time to comment and share their views. More than you could ever know.
And oh yeah....Diva?? I think you NE bloggers need to come on down into the City and we could all go out to the new casino at Remington. Did ya know that the majority of the machines there don't have those stupid bingo cards on them?? No Redball though..they need to get that. Whatever, though, I'd love to meet up with y'all somewhere for a Girl's Night...that'd be so awesome! :)
Friday, January 13, 2006
Wandering Thoughts
For days now, I've sat down here and tried to get things out of my head. So many things being tossed about and I just haven't been able to sort them out enough so they might make sense to y'all on here.
The biggest thing that's been on my mind is in regards to a fight that I had with MrKB. This is deeply personal, so bear with me, okay?
This fight, or maybe you could call it more like an argument, or a difference of opinion, centered around Destiny. You all know she just turned 3 years old, and if you have kids, you know how they can be at that age. Destiny, plain and simple, gets on my nerves quite easily. MrKB thinks I am too hard on her a lot of times, and that I'm too quick to lose my temper with her. I try not to, I really do. I love her very much and can't picture life without her anymore. I do tend to get angry at her easier and more often than MrKB. I told him that this is probably due to the fact that I am with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...while he goes off to work for at LEAST 9 hours a day. The other day he worked 16 hours and didn't see her at all that day since she was still asleep when he left, and had already gone to bed by the time he got home. When she keeps getting in trouble for the same shit all the time, it's easy for me to get frustrated with her. He sees this, and can't understand why I get so mad. "She's only 3" he says. (She wasn't yet 3 at the time we had this fight, but close enough) I said, "Well, if you had to keep getting onto her for the same shit over and over again, you'd be frustrated and quicker to get upset too."
Anyway, that's part of it related to Destiny. The other part is he thinks that I don't feel the same way about Destiny that I do Meghan, the baby. He's right, I fear. Don't get me wrong, I love them both very much...I just don't have the same bond with each of them. Meghan, I have had since she was just 3 weeks old, straight from the hospital...nobody else has been her Mama but me. So I've been able to do all the "normal" bonding with her. Destiny was already 2 1/2 and had been through four other foster homes, plus being with her biological parents, before she came to us. I have bonded with her to a point. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her...and if someone were trying to hurt her or take her from me, you better believe I would fight for her. But I don't feel especially close to her. She doesn't (at this point in time) bring me the same joy to my heart that Meghan does.
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A little while later...I had to stop writing because I was making myself cry...
Anyway, I don't know what it is in regards to Destiny and me. Sometimes the very sound of her voice irritates me. I have had such guilty feelings about all this...what kind of mother am I??? What kind of mother feels this way toward her child? One of my worst thoughts, and this is VERY difficult for me to admit...I didn't even want to tell MrKB I had thought this...sometimes I wish that it was JUST the baby we were dealing with. It is not the case, I know. It would be SO much easier if it was. Admitting this to MrKB has got him all worried about me. He wonders now if I am going to be able to handle everything. The night we had this fight, I had pretty much what I would call an emotional breakdown. I cried...I cried long, and I cried hard. I felt like I was just falling to pieces.
Then there's Andy....Oh, he's a whole 'nother set of stressful things. You know we are STILL battling to even get him in our home. We are making progress, but there's still that chance the judge at court will decide to just let his current foster parents keep him. First it was the "why didn't you guys come forward sooner" issue...then there was the "me bonding with him" issue...now it's the smoking thing. We go back to court on the 19th of this month. Wish us luck!
Andy also comes with a lot of health issues, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. He has severe asthma, requiring breathing treatments 3 times a day...He also takes Singulair for allergies...And he suffers from severe excema, which requires two different prescribed medications to be rubbed all over his body twice a day. He's got an inhaler for his asthma too, though since he's been on the breathing treatments, it doesn't get used as much. All this in itself can be stressful.
I am tired. Tired of everything we do not being enough.
We asked the caseworker recently about going ahead and starting the adoption process for the girls. Know what she said?? She said she wanted to wait until everything with Andy was all worked out. Otherwise it'd be like "separating them".
Ummmm...hello??? They are ALREADY separated!! That makes absolutely no fucking sense. What happens if the judge decides to let Andy's fosters keep him?? Shouldn't make a difference whether they are already adopted or not. I think she just doesn't want to deal with the paperwork if you ask me. You would think that DHS would be happy to get two more kids out of the system.
Last time we went to a counseling appointment with Andy, the CASA worker was there (Court Appointed Special Advocate...works for the kids) and we mentioned what the caseworker had said about adoption on the girls to her and the therapist. Neither one of them could believe the caseworker said that. We are supposed to bring up adopting the girls next time we go to court...if we don't, the CASA worker is going to. So we will see what the judge says about that situation.
Also, in counseling this last time, we got asked basically how serious we were about Andy, and getting him in our home. They questioned our commitment to him. We basically told them that if we weren't serious about it that we would not have already put ourselves through all the shit we have already. They say they were asking because it might come up in court. Kinda pissed us off, really.
BTW...to Brady's Mom: We haven't yet completed the adoption on the kids, we are still just foster parents. It's been a long, difficult road that we are still going down. More about that later, I'll email you sometime, okay?
So, how do I feel about all this??? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a good mom...other times I feel like I suck. I hope you guys don't think differently about me now that I've talked about Destiny like this. I do love her...but it is different than the way I love Meghan. I don't know what it is. Maybe because Meghan was the answer to my prayers I've had for 12 years for a baby of my own. Technically she's not "my own" but she's as close as I'm gonna get.
That's all I can think of to say right now...
The biggest thing that's been on my mind is in regards to a fight that I had with MrKB. This is deeply personal, so bear with me, okay?
This fight, or maybe you could call it more like an argument, or a difference of opinion, centered around Destiny. You all know she just turned 3 years old, and if you have kids, you know how they can be at that age. Destiny, plain and simple, gets on my nerves quite easily. MrKB thinks I am too hard on her a lot of times, and that I'm too quick to lose my temper with her. I try not to, I really do. I love her very much and can't picture life without her anymore. I do tend to get angry at her easier and more often than MrKB. I told him that this is probably due to the fact that I am with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...while he goes off to work for at LEAST 9 hours a day. The other day he worked 16 hours and didn't see her at all that day since she was still asleep when he left, and had already gone to bed by the time he got home. When she keeps getting in trouble for the same shit all the time, it's easy for me to get frustrated with her. He sees this, and can't understand why I get so mad. "She's only 3" he says. (She wasn't yet 3 at the time we had this fight, but close enough) I said, "Well, if you had to keep getting onto her for the same shit over and over again, you'd be frustrated and quicker to get upset too."
Anyway, that's part of it related to Destiny. The other part is he thinks that I don't feel the same way about Destiny that I do Meghan, the baby. He's right, I fear. Don't get me wrong, I love them both very much...I just don't have the same bond with each of them. Meghan, I have had since she was just 3 weeks old, straight from the hospital...nobody else has been her Mama but me. So I've been able to do all the "normal" bonding with her. Destiny was already 2 1/2 and had been through four other foster homes, plus being with her biological parents, before she came to us. I have bonded with her to a point. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her...and if someone were trying to hurt her or take her from me, you better believe I would fight for her. But I don't feel especially close to her. She doesn't (at this point in time) bring me the same joy to my heart that Meghan does.
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A little while later...I had to stop writing because I was making myself cry...
Anyway, I don't know what it is in regards to Destiny and me. Sometimes the very sound of her voice irritates me. I have had such guilty feelings about all this...what kind of mother am I??? What kind of mother feels this way toward her child? One of my worst thoughts, and this is VERY difficult for me to admit...I didn't even want to tell MrKB I had thought this...sometimes I wish that it was JUST the baby we were dealing with. It is not the case, I know. It would be SO much easier if it was. Admitting this to MrKB has got him all worried about me. He wonders now if I am going to be able to handle everything. The night we had this fight, I had pretty much what I would call an emotional breakdown. I cried...I cried long, and I cried hard. I felt like I was just falling to pieces.
Then there's Andy....Oh, he's a whole 'nother set of stressful things. You know we are STILL battling to even get him in our home. We are making progress, but there's still that chance the judge at court will decide to just let his current foster parents keep him. First it was the "why didn't you guys come forward sooner" issue...then there was the "me bonding with him" issue...now it's the smoking thing. We go back to court on the 19th of this month. Wish us luck!
Andy also comes with a lot of health issues, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. He has severe asthma, requiring breathing treatments 3 times a day...He also takes Singulair for allergies...And he suffers from severe excema, which requires two different prescribed medications to be rubbed all over his body twice a day. He's got an inhaler for his asthma too, though since he's been on the breathing treatments, it doesn't get used as much. All this in itself can be stressful.
I am tired. Tired of everything we do not being enough.
We asked the caseworker recently about going ahead and starting the adoption process for the girls. Know what she said?? She said she wanted to wait until everything with Andy was all worked out. Otherwise it'd be like "separating them".
Ummmm...hello??? They are ALREADY separated!! That makes absolutely no fucking sense. What happens if the judge decides to let Andy's fosters keep him?? Shouldn't make a difference whether they are already adopted or not. I think she just doesn't want to deal with the paperwork if you ask me. You would think that DHS would be happy to get two more kids out of the system.
Last time we went to a counseling appointment with Andy, the CASA worker was there (Court Appointed Special Advocate...works for the kids) and we mentioned what the caseworker had said about adoption on the girls to her and the therapist. Neither one of them could believe the caseworker said that. We are supposed to bring up adopting the girls next time we go to court...if we don't, the CASA worker is going to. So we will see what the judge says about that situation.
Also, in counseling this last time, we got asked basically how serious we were about Andy, and getting him in our home. They questioned our commitment to him. We basically told them that if we weren't serious about it that we would not have already put ourselves through all the shit we have already. They say they were asking because it might come up in court. Kinda pissed us off, really.
BTW...to Brady's Mom: We haven't yet completed the adoption on the kids, we are still just foster parents. It's been a long, difficult road that we are still going down. More about that later, I'll email you sometime, okay?
So, how do I feel about all this??? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a good mom...other times I feel like I suck. I hope you guys don't think differently about me now that I've talked about Destiny like this. I do love her...but it is different than the way I love Meghan. I don't know what it is. Maybe because Meghan was the answer to my prayers I've had for 12 years for a baby of my own. Technically she's not "my own" but she's as close as I'm gonna get.
That's all I can think of to say right now...
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
My 11th Half-Nekkid Thursday
So, last week I posted a picture of the sexy little number that MrKB bought for me, and it seems to have received good reviews. I also mentioned that this outfit came with a matching thong, and that I had a pic of the rear view that I had decided not to include.
After receiving several requests, and after much deliberation on my part, (my backside is not one of my favorite body parts) I give you.....
THE REAR VIEW! Happy HNT! :)
If you want more Half-Nekkidness, you've gotta go see the Grand Poobah of HNT...Osbasso !! Click on the red button with the lady in lingerie for Guidelines!
After receiving several requests, and after much deliberation on my part, (my backside is not one of my favorite body parts) I give you.....
THE REAR VIEW! Happy HNT! :)
If you want more Half-Nekkidness, you've gotta go see the Grand Poobah of HNT...Osbasso !! Click on the red button with the lady in lingerie for Guidelines!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Anyone Know Who This Is???
Domain Name cox.net ? (Network)IP Address 68.229.155.# (Cox Communications)
68.229.155.230ISP Cox CommunicationsLocation
Continent
:
North America
Country
:
United States (Facts)
State
:
Louisiana
City
:
Deridder
Lat/Long
:
30.6517, -93.2996 (Map)Language English (United States)en-usOperating System Microsoft WinXPBrowser Internet Explorer 6.0Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322)Javascript version 1.3Monitor
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1280 x 800
Color Depth
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32 bits Time of Visit Jan 10 2006 4:26:10 pmLast Page View Jan 10 2006 4:30:18 pmVisit Length 4 minutes 8 secondsPage Views 5Referring URLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14127412Visit Entry Page http://mamakbear.blogspot.com/Visit Exit Page http://mamakbear.blogspot.com/Time Zone UTC-6:00CST - Central Standard TimeCDT - Central Daylight Saving TimeVisitor's Time Jan 10 2006 4:26:10 pmVisit Number 5,000
68.229.155.230ISP Cox CommunicationsLocation
Continent
:
North America
Country
:
United States (Facts)
State
:
Louisiana
City
:
Deridder
Lat/Long
:
30.6517, -93.2996 (Map)Language English (United States)en-usOperating System Microsoft WinXPBrowser Internet Explorer 6.0Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; .NET CLR 1.1.4322)Javascript version 1.3Monitor
Resolution
:
1280 x 800
Color Depth
:
32 bits Time of Visit Jan 10 2006 4:26:10 pmLast Page View Jan 10 2006 4:30:18 pmVisit Length 4 minutes 8 secondsPage Views 5Referring URLhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14127412Visit Entry Page http://mamakbear.blogspot.com/Visit Exit Page http://mamakbear.blogspot.com/Time Zone UTC-6:00CST - Central Standard TimeCDT - Central Daylight Saving TimeVisitor's Time Jan 10 2006 4:26:10 pmVisit Number 5,000
Monday, January 09, 2006
Coming Up on My 5,000th Visitor!
How exciting is that?? I've only been blogging since October...I can't believe there's already been almost 5,000 visitors to my little place! Who will it be?? Be sure to check the sitemeter waaaay down at the bottom of my blog and let me know in the comments if it's you, mmmkay?
Now, I was tagged by Heather , and I promised I'd get it done a.s.a.p. This is actually perfect since my brain's just been swimming with all kinds of things I can't seem to get down on "paper" so to speak.
Basically you list the first sentence of your blog for each month of 2005. Since I didn't start blogging until October, this will be a relatively short one. I will go ahead and throw in January '06 to be fair.
October '05: "Ok, so here I am...my first post on my shiny new blog!" *MrsCoach had the honor of being my very first commenter. :) *
November '05: "See what happens when I go trying to change things on my blog?!?" *That was when I was first learning how to add a blogroll...you can see I eventually got it figured out.*
December '05: "On this day 4 years ago, my sister had her first baby...my niece Angelina!" *I had SO hoped she'd be born on my birthday two days later...which happened to be my 30th.*
January '06: "OK, here's the deal...I'm curious as to how many of y'all actually come by my little space on a regular basis." *calling the lurkers out here...Thanks so much to all you guys that commented!*
Okie doke, so that's it! Now I tag: SignGurl(Jenn) ...get to it girlfriend! :)
Now, I was tagged by Heather , and I promised I'd get it done a.s.a.p. This is actually perfect since my brain's just been swimming with all kinds of things I can't seem to get down on "paper" so to speak.
Basically you list the first sentence of your blog for each month of 2005. Since I didn't start blogging until October, this will be a relatively short one. I will go ahead and throw in January '06 to be fair.
October '05: "Ok, so here I am...my first post on my shiny new blog!" *MrsCoach had the honor of being my very first commenter. :) *
November '05: "See what happens when I go trying to change things on my blog?!?" *That was when I was first learning how to add a blogroll...you can see I eventually got it figured out.*
December '05: "On this day 4 years ago, my sister had her first baby...my niece Angelina!" *I had SO hoped she'd be born on my birthday two days later...which happened to be my 30th.*
January '06: "OK, here's the deal...I'm curious as to how many of y'all actually come by my little space on a regular basis." *calling the lurkers out here...Thanks so much to all you guys that commented!*
Okie doke, so that's it! Now I tag: SignGurl(Jenn) ...get to it girlfriend! :)
Sunday, January 08, 2006
I Know, I Suck...
...at blogging lately. I've got all kinds of things in my head to talk about, and then I sit here and just draw a blank. Does this happen to anyone else?? I've still got nothin' at the moment, but since I finally put them on the computer, I thought I'd post some pictures from Christmas. Anyone mind?? No?? Good, 'cuz even if ya did, I'm posting them anyw
ay, so there!
Andy investigating the goodies in his stocking...and posing happily with his new remote-control truck. I think these are the first pics I've ever posted of Andy. See how short his hair is?? The day before we went to pick him up for his visit he apparently got ahold of some scissors and commenced to cutting his own hair...not just once, but TWICE!! In the SAME day! Now, you KNOW that if he'd done that while in our care that his fosters would've raised hell about it. But that's a rant for another day.
Destiny with her stocking....Notice how there's a different stocking in each of the pics?? That's 'cuz MrKB messed up and gave the kids the wrong stockings. Took a couple minutes to realize his mistake since they got a bit of the same stuff. Figured it out when Andy pulled bracelets out of what he thought was his stocking and looked at them lik
e WTF??? 
Mommy's favorite present! This was actually taken a couple days after Christmas....we were so busy trying to catch Andy and Destiny opening stuff we didn't get any pictures of Meghan! My Mom and Dad did though...
The pic of her in the gift bag would've been perfect, but right there in front of her mouth is the clear hanger thingie attached to the bag from where it hung at the store....damn...wish I'd noticed it before I took the picture!! May try to edit it out later. 
This one WAS taken of Meghan at Christmastime...she was all worn out from all that commotion, wrapping paper, and bows, so she fell asleep while PaPa was holding her. And I know, the date says the 23rd...we did Christmas that night at my parents' house.
This last one isn't Christmas related...it's more a "first". This is Meghan in the process of eating one of those baby "Biter Biscuits"...cookie-like thing that smells like graham crackers. It was so cute I had to take a picture! :) Hope you enjoyed seeing these pics!
ay, so there!
Andy investigating the goodies in his stocking...and posing happily with his new remote-control truck. I think these are the first pics I've ever posted of Andy. See how short his hair is?? The day before we went to pick him up for his visit he apparently got ahold of some scissors and commenced to cutting his own hair...not just once, but TWICE!! In the SAME day! Now, you KNOW that if he'd done that while in our care that his fosters would've raised hell about it. But that's a rant for another day.
Destiny with her stocking....Notice how there's a different stocking in each of the pics?? That's 'cuz MrKB messed up and gave the kids the wrong stockings. Took a couple minutes to realize his mistake since they got a bit of the same stuff. Figured it out when Andy pulled bracelets out of what he thought was his stocking and looked at them lik
e WTF??? 
Mommy's favorite present! This was actually taken a couple days after Christmas....we were so busy trying to catch Andy and Destiny opening stuff we didn't get any pictures of Meghan! My Mom and Dad did though...
The pic of her in the gift bag would've been perfect, but right there in front of her mouth is the clear hanger thingie attached to the bag from where it hung at the store....damn...wish I'd noticed it before I took the picture!! May try to edit it out later. 
This one WAS taken of Meghan at Christmastime...she was all worn out from all that commotion, wrapping paper, and bows, so she fell asleep while PaPa was holding her. And I know, the date says the 23rd...we did Christmas that night at my parents' house.
This last one isn't Christmas related...it's more a "first". This is Meghan in the process of eating one of those baby "Biter Biscuits"...cookie-like thing that smells like graham crackers. It was so cute I had to take a picture! :) Hope you enjoyed seeing these pics!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
My 10th Half-Nekkid Thursday
For HNT this week I thought I'd show y'all what MrKB bought for me the other day. We were out shopping and I saw this sexy little ensemble and sweet talked him into getting it for me. He did, and said it was a belated birthday and Christmas present. AAAAHHHHHH!!!! NO HE DIDN'T!!! NOT THE DREADED "COMBO" GIFT!!!!!
Actually, you had to buy the nightie and the robe separate, so I guess technically it was two different things. LOL Oh, and it also came with matching thong. *wiggling eyebrows*....I have a pic of the rear view I almost posted with this, but decided against it. At least for this week..... ; )
Actually, you had to buy the nightie and the robe separate, so I guess technically it was two different things. LOL Oh, and it also came with matching thong. *wiggling eyebrows*....I have a pic of the rear view I almost posted with this, but decided against it. At least for this week..... ; )
Monday, January 02, 2006
Calling All Lurkers!!!
Ok, here's the deal...I am curious as to how many of y'all actually come by my little space on a regular basis. Some of you I already know as regulars because you comment often...and I love ya for it!
According to my sitemeter, I have an average of 65 hits a day, not counting Thursdays obviously, and only about 10 or so peeps comment with any regularity.
So, humor me, please....leave a comment today, even if just to say "Hi" and let me know you were here. Thanks so much! :)
According to my sitemeter, I have an average of 65 hits a day, not counting Thursdays obviously, and only about 10 or so peeps comment with any regularity.
So, humor me, please....leave a comment today, even if just to say "Hi" and let me know you were here. Thanks so much! :)
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