Monday, January 16, 2006

Many Thanks!!

Thank you to all of you who took the time to comment on my last post! I really do feel a lot better about the situation. Destiny is still getting into trouble a lot, and still gets on my nerves, but I love her very much and we will be okay. I was so relieved to hear that I'm NOT the only Mom who has felt this way...sometimes I think she'd be easier to take if I HAD got to have that time with her when she was a baby. Maybe that's true, but then maybe not.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger....right?? All I know is I am in this for the long haul. If I have anything to say about it, this will be her LAST foster is going to be her FOREVER home.

Something else I have been thinking about, mostly since seeing Aughra's post with her big news. Even though I have these two little girls in my life now, I still desperately want to be pregnant and have a baby of my own with the man I love more than anything. I've tried so long and so hard, all the while watching my brother-in-law have kid after kid that he needed like a hole in his head....while watching my own sister have two kids. That was particularly hard for me. I am the oldest and was supposed to have kids first. Plus, she always said she didn't want kids! All my cousins, except for one, have had babies now. I still feel left out. And I still get a little jealous and envious when I hear someone is pregnant. I am happy for them, don't get me wrong....I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anybody. But it is still hard. Something is obviously wrong somewhere, and I can't afford to find out what it is.

Having Meghan in my life has helped tremendously in easing the pains in my heart. I am scared to death that something will happen for her to be taken away from me, and I don't think I could take that kind of pain. If that was to happen, you will surely find me locked up in a mental institution somewhere! But let's not think about that!!! Positive thoughts, right??

Lots of people told me when we first got Meghan, "Watch, now that you have the baby and are gonna have more kids, you will get pregnant since you won't be dwelling on it as much." Well, here it is 8 months later and still not pregnant. I know, you're thinking, "You've got so much going on already, why in the world would you want more?!?" I don't know. I guess this desire for my own child will never go away. Maybe it's not meant to be...but I sure hope it happens someday.

Anyway...we go back to court this Thursday. After what happened the last time, I am not looking forward to going. Hopefully I am worrying about nothing, and it will be completely different this time around. The biggest thing I'm hoping for is the judge will want us to go ahead and start adoption on the girls. I will feel so much better once they are adopted. I won't have to worry about them being taken from me anymore. There's no reason for them to be taken away, but it's still something you worry about in this kind of situation, believe me.

I'm not expecting any major decisions to be made regarding Andy. Maybe only a court order that we get him on his Spring Break, but that's still a ways away. Apparently we could have had him for at least a week over his Christmas break, but we just didn't think about the fact that he was out of school, and that if we'd asked we could have had him for a longer period of time. Not used to having a school-aged child. This was brought up at the last counseling session...they want us to be having more time with him than just the weekends, but him being in school makes that difficult. The reason being, is that when the judge does decide that he should be with us, she's gonna want him moved right then. The CASA worker and the therapist want him to be used to spending longer amounts of time with us before this happens.

Boy, I've just rambled on and on in this post. All I had originally intended was to say THANK YOU to y'all who commented in the last post. You really made me feel loads better, and it meant a lot to me that so many took the time to comment and share their views. More than you could ever know.

And oh yeah....Diva?? I think you NE bloggers need to come on down into the City and we could all go out to the new casino at Remington. Did ya know that the majority of the machines there don't have those stupid bingo cards on them?? No Redball though..they need to get that. Whatever, though, I'd love to meet up with y'all somewhere for a Girl's Night...that'd be so awesome! :)


lesbopatticakes said...

Mama just take it one day at a time and live in the moment to the best of your ability.
You know as a teacher we always have that one child who drives you crazy, what I would do would find 5 positive things to say to that child every day...even to the point I like the way you combed your hair (a 5th grader) you know it worked, he saw that I found good things in him and I found it got easier every day to find the positives. This works with your own kids you change your attitude and it shows
With Andy get a schedule from the school when there are 3 day weekends etc. you should be able to go on line and get it there...then you can plan your extra time with him. In feb. you have presidents day, then spring break that's about it for spring Keep in touch with the school to know what is happening too
if they let you, teachers love to have contact with the children's family.
good luck on thursday I will be sending good thoughts your way!

MamaKBear said...

Thanks for the kind words and advice patti!

As for Andy's school, we are actually in the middle of trying to meet with his teachers and discuss his current educational situation (he goes to school on an IEP)...we want to get it worked out as close as possible to what he's already doing at the new school he will go to when he lives with us all the time.

So far though, haven't been able to 'cuz we don't have custody, the school can't discuss anything with us. Going to talk to the caseworker about a release of information.

SignGurl said...

I can tell from reading your post that you are so relieved. Sometimes you just need to get it out of you.

I'm glad things are feeling a little better for you.

Just remember, someone somewhere has had the same feelings you are having. You are never alone!


Katie said...

Sounds like you are feeling better..I'm happy to hear that!

Life always has the good , the bad , and the ugly... we simply feel that it is never ending ( our mood, situation...) If you get frustrated - don't forget to take/make your own time outs... :)

Velma stated that " life takes you where you need to go" I believe that.

I also believe in meditation.. in using symbols... lol.. and in ranting and raving!

I'll be thinking of you come Thursday and wishing you the best!
Be good to yourself always!

Midwestern City Boy said...

I am glad that you are feeling better. You're feelings are more normal than you realize.

I will be thinking of you on Thursday. Good luck in court.

Bexxie said...

Hey KBear - Greetings from Oz :o)

I felt sad reading your blogs hunni but I can identify with your feelings .. being a single parent myself .. I often wonder about my own 'mothering' abilities but when someone turns to me and tells me my son has wonderful manners .. I can't help but pat myself on the back (as I'm big on manners). But, getting back to your blogs .. as I read them a thought came to mind I would like to share .. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a 3 year old whose been in various foster homes .. not knowing if I were going to stay .. can you imagine what this little girls short life has been like? I don't her situation but I know it would be awful for any child to be shipped from house to house. It takes special people like you to be there for these children that didn't ask to be put in the situation.

God Bless you love ..

My 2 cents worth .. :o)

. said...

Good Luck sweetie and THx a millon for ALL the support you have shown me!

MrsCoach2U said...

You should be able to get online and get his schedule. I'd push for the information release so you can set up an appointment with your school to make sure they have what you need. Good luck!!!!

Monica said...

MamaK, I'm 42 and when my son went to Iraq, I wanted more than anything for there to be a little "accident" somewhere but it wasn't to be and thankfully he came home to me. But I see my friends all having grandbabies and I wonder when I'll get mine. I said that yesterday to my mom and she said, "you raised them right, hon."
I know grandmother wants is different from baby wants and I hope you get your own little bundle soon. But I admire you for what you're doing in the meantime. Maybe this is why your own has been put off a bit longer. Because these little ones need you now.

MacManus said...

I know what you mean about wanting to have your own kids, but not fostering like your wonderful self, The only contact I get with kids is through my younger sisters 2 awesome sons. I always thought I would be the first to have kids being the oldest and all but I know that when its meant to be it will happen. Until then I can continue to give them back at the end of a visit :)

~April~ said...

Chin up chickie, it'll happen someday. Destiny will bond with you and it will all be fine. You're normal. It's all good.

Jillian said...

I know a couple that adopted a boy & a girl, because they where unable to have children. 13 years later at the age of 40 she got pregnant!!! So ya never know!

mdrock said...

Just sayin' hi :-)

The Kept Woman said...

You're making me cry.

I cannot even begin to know how you feel, but I have to say that I know a few moms in my mothers' group who have adopted and its amazing to see the kind of second chance these kids have been given. It takes a very special person to open their heart, home and head to kids who need so much.


Redneck Diva said...

I'll stuff April and Mrs. Coach in my van and anyone else I can find and we'll make our way down SOON. Of course, I'll have to spend the week beforehand giving Mr. Diva more sex than should be allowed by law just to be able to go! LOL

Hang in there, girlie. You're doin' fine.