For days now, I've sat down here and tried to get things out of my head. So many things being tossed about and I just haven't been able to sort them out enough so they might make sense to y'all on here.
The biggest thing that's been on my mind is in regards to a fight that I had with MrKB. This is deeply personal, so bear with me, okay?
This fight, or maybe you could call it more like an argument, or a difference of opinion, centered around Destiny. You all know she just turned 3 years old, and if you have kids, you know how they can be at that age. Destiny, plain and simple, gets on my nerves quite easily. MrKB thinks I am too hard on her a lot of times, and that I'm too quick to lose my temper with her. I try not to, I really do. I love her very much and can't picture life without her anymore. I do tend to get angry at her easier and more often than MrKB. I told him that this is probably due to the fact that I am with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...while he goes off to work for at LEAST 9 hours a day. The other day he worked 16 hours and didn't see her at all that day since she was still asleep when he left, and had already gone to bed by the time he got home. When she keeps getting in trouble for the same shit all the time, it's easy for me to get frustrated with her. He sees this, and can't understand why I get so mad. "She's only 3" he says. (She wasn't yet 3 at the time we had this fight, but close enough) I said, "Well, if you had to keep getting onto her for the same shit over and over again, you'd be frustrated and quicker to get upset too."
Anyway, that's part of it related to Destiny. The other part is he thinks that I don't feel the same way about Destiny that I do Meghan, the baby. He's right, I fear. Don't get me wrong, I love them both very much...I just don't have the same bond with each of them. Meghan, I have had since she was just 3 weeks old, straight from the hospital...nobody else has been her Mama but me. So I've been able to do all the "normal" bonding with her. Destiny was already 2 1/2 and had been through four other foster homes, plus being with her biological parents, before she came to us. I have bonded with her to a point. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her...and if someone were trying to hurt her or take her from me, you better believe I would fight for her. But I don't feel especially close to her. She doesn't (at this point in time) bring me the same joy to my heart that Meghan does.
A little while later...I had to stop writing because I was making myself cry...
Anyway, I don't know what it is in regards to Destiny and me. Sometimes the very sound of her voice irritates me. I have had such guilty feelings about all this...what kind of mother am I??? What kind of mother feels this way toward her child? One of my worst thoughts, and this is VERY difficult for me to admit...I didn't even want to tell MrKB I had thought this...sometimes I wish that it was JUST the baby we were dealing with. It is not the case, I know. It would be SO much easier if it was. Admitting this to MrKB has got him all worried about me. He wonders now if I am going to be able to handle everything. The night we had this fight, I had pretty much what I would call an emotional breakdown. I cried...I cried long, and I cried hard. I felt like I was just falling to pieces.
Then there's Andy....Oh, he's a whole 'nother set of stressful things. You know we are STILL battling to even get him in our home. We are making progress, but there's still that chance the judge at court will decide to just let his current foster parents keep him. First it was the "why didn't you guys come forward sooner" issue...then there was the "me bonding with him" issue...now it's the smoking thing. We go back to court on the 19th of this month. Wish us luck!
Andy also comes with a lot of health issues, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. He has severe asthma, requiring breathing treatments 3 times a day...He also takes Singulair for allergies...And he suffers from severe excema, which requires two different prescribed medications to be rubbed all over his body twice a day. He's got an inhaler for his asthma too, though since he's been on the breathing treatments, it doesn't get used as much. All this in itself can be stressful.
I am tired. Tired of everything we do not being enough.
We asked the caseworker recently about going ahead and starting the adoption process for the girls. Know what she said?? She said she wanted to wait until everything with Andy was all worked out. Otherwise it'd be like "separating them".
Ummmm...hello??? They are ALREADY separated!! That makes absolutely no fucking sense. What happens if the judge decides to let Andy's fosters keep him?? Shouldn't make a difference whether they are already adopted or not. I think she just doesn't want to deal with the paperwork if you ask me. You would think that DHS would be happy to get two more kids out of the system.
Last time we went to a counseling appointment with Andy, the CASA worker was there (Court Appointed Special Advocate...works for the kids) and we mentioned what the caseworker had said about adoption on the girls to her and the therapist. Neither one of them could believe the caseworker said that. We are supposed to bring up adopting the girls next time we go to court...if we don't, the CASA worker is going to. So we will see what the judge says about that situation.
Also, in counseling this last time, we got asked basically how serious we were about Andy, and getting him in our home. They questioned our commitment to him. We basically told them that if we weren't serious about it that we would not have already put ourselves through all the shit we have already. They say they were asking because it might come up in court. Kinda pissed us off, really.
BTW...to Brady's Mom: We haven't yet completed the adoption on the kids, we are still just foster parents. It's been a long, difficult road that we are still going down. More about that later, I'll email you sometime, okay?
So, how do I feel about all this??? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a good mom...other times I feel like I suck. I hope you guys don't think differently about me now that I've talked about Destiny like this. I do love her...but it is different than the way I love Meghan. I don't know what it is. Maybe because Meghan was the answer to my prayers I've had for 12 years for a baby of my own. Technically she's not "my own" but she's as close as I'm gonna get.
That's all I can think of to say right now...