Friday, January 13, 2006

Wandering Thoughts

For days now, I've sat down here and tried to get things out of my head. So many things being tossed about and I just haven't been able to sort them out enough so they might make sense to y'all on here.

The biggest thing that's been on my mind is in regards to a fight that I had with MrKB. This is deeply personal, so bear with me, okay?

This fight, or maybe you could call it more like an argument, or a difference of opinion, centered around Destiny. You all know she just turned 3 years old, and if you have kids, you know how they can be at that age. Destiny, plain and simple, gets on my nerves quite easily. MrKB thinks I am too hard on her a lot of times, and that I'm too quick to lose my temper with her. I try not to, I really do. I love her very much and can't picture life without her anymore. I do tend to get angry at her easier and more often than MrKB. I told him that this is probably due to the fact that I am with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...while he goes off to work for at LEAST 9 hours a day. The other day he worked 16 hours and didn't see her at all that day since she was still asleep when he left, and had already gone to bed by the time he got home. When she keeps getting in trouble for the same shit all the time, it's easy for me to get frustrated with her. He sees this, and can't understand why I get so mad. "She's only 3" he says. (She wasn't yet 3 at the time we had this fight, but close enough) I said, "Well, if you had to keep getting onto her for the same shit over and over again, you'd be frustrated and quicker to get upset too."

Anyway, that's part of it related to Destiny. The other part is he thinks that I don't feel the same way about Destiny that I do Meghan, the baby. He's right, I fear. Don't get me wrong, I love them both very much...I just don't have the same bond with each of them. Meghan, I have had since she was just 3 weeks old, straight from the hospital...nobody else has been her Mama but me. So I've been able to do all the "normal" bonding with her. Destiny was already 2 1/2 and had been through four other foster homes, plus being with her biological parents, before she came to us. I have bonded with her to a point. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her...and if someone were trying to hurt her or take her from me, you better believe I would fight for her. But I don't feel especially close to her. She doesn't (at this point in time) bring me the same joy to my heart that Meghan does.

A little while later...I had to stop writing because I was making myself cry...

Anyway, I don't know what it is in regards to Destiny and me. Sometimes the very sound of her voice irritates me. I have had such guilty feelings about all this...what kind of mother am I??? What kind of mother feels this way toward her child? One of my worst thoughts, and this is VERY difficult for me to admit...I didn't even want to tell MrKB I had thought this...sometimes I wish that it was JUST the baby we were dealing with. It is not the case, I know. It would be SO much easier if it was. Admitting this to MrKB has got him all worried about me. He wonders now if I am going to be able to handle everything. The night we had this fight, I had pretty much what I would call an emotional breakdown. I cried...I cried long, and I cried hard. I felt like I was just falling to pieces.

Then there's Andy....Oh, he's a whole 'nother set of stressful things. You know we are STILL battling to even get him in our home. We are making progress, but there's still that chance the judge at court will decide to just let his current foster parents keep him. First it was the "why didn't you guys come forward sooner" issue...then there was the "me bonding with him" it's the smoking thing. We go back to court on the 19th of this month. Wish us luck!

Andy also comes with a lot of health issues, as I'm sure I've mentioned before. He has severe asthma, requiring breathing treatments 3 times a day...He also takes Singulair for allergies...And he suffers from severe excema, which requires two different prescribed medications to be rubbed all over his body twice a day. He's got an inhaler for his asthma too, though since he's been on the breathing treatments, it doesn't get used as much. All this in itself can be stressful.

I am tired. Tired of everything we do not being enough.

We asked the caseworker recently about going ahead and starting the adoption process for the girls. Know what she said?? She said she wanted to wait until everything with Andy was all worked out. Otherwise it'd be like "separating them".
Ummmm...hello??? They are ALREADY separated!! That makes absolutely no fucking sense. What happens if the judge decides to let Andy's fosters keep him?? Shouldn't make a difference whether they are already adopted or not. I think she just doesn't want to deal with the paperwork if you ask me. You would think that DHS would be happy to get two more kids out of the system.

Last time we went to a counseling appointment with Andy, the CASA worker was there (Court Appointed Special for the kids) and we mentioned what the caseworker had said about adoption on the girls to her and the therapist. Neither one of them could believe the caseworker said that. We are supposed to bring up adopting the girls next time we go to court...if we don't, the CASA worker is going to. So we will see what the judge says about that situation.

Also, in counseling this last time, we got asked basically how serious we were about Andy, and getting him in our home. They questioned our commitment to him. We basically told them that if we weren't serious about it that we would not have already put ourselves through all the shit we have already. They say they were asking because it might come up in court. Kinda pissed us off, really. Brady's Mom: We haven't yet completed the adoption on the kids, we are still just foster parents. It's been a long, difficult road that we are still going down. More about that later, I'll email you sometime, okay?

So, how do I feel about all this??? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a good mom...other times I feel like I suck. I hope you guys don't think differently about me now that I've talked about Destiny like this. I do love her...but it is different than the way I love Meghan. I don't know what it is. Maybe because Meghan was the answer to my prayers I've had for 12 years for a baby of my own. Technically she's not "my own" but she's as close as I'm gonna get.

That's all I can think of to say right now...


MrsCoach2U said...

Congratulations! You finally hit the "I love this child so much I can't stand her" mark that most 3 year olds succeed in pushing a parent to. My oldest child and I went round and round when he was 2-3, I could't stand him, he couldn't stand me...turns out now that he's 8 he is just like me (probably why I couldn't handle him at 3). You will both get over it. Until they become teenagers then they will despise you. Complete the circle kind of thing. You are not the only one who feels this way, you just realize it more with the situation you are in. When Mr. Coach was in college, Nati was 3---oh my gawd, that child was EVIL when her father wasn't around. She SOOOOO played us off each other, and she liked it! Good luck. Step back, take a breather, have a smoke and a drink and it will all be better. I hope it gets better for you soon.

WarWagon said...

Don't ever feel bad or doubt yourself through this ordeal and it is an ordeal. My wife & I looked into adopting and had neither the fortitude nor the temperment to jump through all the hoops presented in the process. What you're doing is commendable and like all the tough roads that life makes you travel, will make you better for the journey. Give yourself time to work things out and as importantly, time for you and your husband to find your way.

SignGurl said...

Take a deep breath......ahhhhhhh......there......

The bond you have with Meghan is different because she is a baby. With babies, you have to cuddle them and hold them. This all being very physical. It wasn't that way for you and Destiny.

You are not a bad mom! When my youngest daughter was born, the oldest was almost 4. Add to it that my husband worked no less than 16 hours a day including driving time. The kids never saw him. I too grew distant with the oldest. She did anything and everything to get my attention and I just didn't have anything to give her except my disgust with her behavior. I did get over it in time and now the youngest drives me crazy. That's just the cycle of age. I'll like her again soon.

Give yourself a break. You have been through more in the last year than most of us will ever go through.

Cheer up and I'll pour you a shot of Tequila!

Hillbilly Mom said...

My first son was a very difficult toddler. He is still a bit annoying at 11. Like Mrs.Coach said, I found out as he grew older that he is just like me. We have a different bond than my youngest and I have. It is hard to explain. That pediatrician that used to be on TV, T. Berry Brazelton, put it best when he said some mother/child relationships have such PASSION. They go all out, even in the fights. Now I understand what he meant.

You will be fine. It is hard to spend all your time with the kids.

Wait until she goes off to kindergarten. You will be lost without her.

addict said...

Cut yourself a little bit of a break here... :)
The children are individuals and it's OK (healthy even) to love them individually!
I experienced a similar thing with my children.
I felt guilty about it for years.
My first born is "our" #4, he and I were always particularily close, we just had a special bond... while #4 and #5 were children, I was always much closer to #4. #5 was so independent, she never ever seemed to need me, she would push me away, I saw so much of myself in her, I'm sure I was much harder on her...
Fast forward, they are grown #4 has his own life, is married and lives in a near by town, I see and or talk to him weekly, but the "special" bond is gone, he (we) out grew it... #5 is also grown, lives near by but often spends the night here with me... aside from being my daughter, she is also my best friend.
You can love them equally, but not the same because *they* are not the same, as they grow and change your approach and yes, even your feelings about them will also change...
This is just a part of the journey!

lesbopatticakes said...

welcome to mother used to tell me (For many years growing up) I love you dearly, but I can't stand your behavior! This was probably the best parenting I remembered when I was stressed. I still use that advice as a teacher. I love everyone of my charges but boy their baggage and behavior gets to me at time. Remember D. has been through a lot in a short time, she's testing to see if you really love her or if you will get rid of her like the others did.
with Andy all I can suggest is just keep on trucking...there were times in my life when I felt God was giving me pop quizzes and I hadnnn't even studied the right book. and with the kids I would tell #3 I just lived through that with # 1 & 2 so get through that stage fast. They are all three great kids ( I share them with addict)
go take a bubble bath and relax don't worry about what others think about you it's what you think about yourself that matters
take care of yourself!

Tricia said...

Hey, mine survived my parenting.
I think that's all one can hope for. They don't hate me. That's good too.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Midwestern City Boy said...

MamaKBear: Don't be so hard on yourself. You aren't going through anything that any other parent hasn't gone through. Childhood has many phases and kids go through all of them. Oh, the stories I cold tell about our two. Anyway just keep in mind that, someday, it will pass.

Bekah said...

If all of that didn't make you have an emotional break down then I would start to worry!

My ex was the same with our son. He says I raise my voice too much, just relax and let him be a kid. Well, now that he and I are seperated and he gets our son for a whole 24 hour period alone he sees things my way. If you let them they will walk all over you, and then walk all over everyone else in life. I took a break with a friend of mine in October. We both left the kids with the dads and went to a spa and casino that is about an hour and a half away. It did wonders for me.

There are times when I get so mad at my son I think to myself "Now I see why so many mothers hurt their children, it's a good thing I am a good person and I can take myself aside for a minute and calm down"
I can easily see how someone that is not as mature or as controlled could do something in an instant that they would regret, but you have to step back. I often try putting myself in my sons shoes and try to think of how I felt when my folks got onto me or when I was in trouble. I know this sounds silly but my son has an extreme problem with yelling at me and talking everytime he talks back in the slightest I send him to the corner. He HATES the corner and just yesterday I witnessed him actually stop himself from yelling at me. It was awesome. Anyway, hopefully you don't think I am crazy now!!

Try to explain to your husband that you need mommy time that is just for mommy. He will come to appreciate what you do for the kidss a lot more when he has some significant alone time with them. Go to a day spa, get a massage. Get a massage with Lavander oil... OMG, that will relax you for a bit. It is so hard to be a mom to even my own child, I can't imagine how tough it is to be a mom to a child that has been through as many 'parents' as Destiny has. You will make it, you are so caring. If you ever want to talk you have my email. You hang in there and keep in touch!

Katie said...

The truth is that when we love , we do love differently. This ia not to mean that one is better or worse - simply different as each person is different. As far as you feel about yourself .. and your relationship with D.. that too shall pass . I am very close to my girls ( they are complete opposites!!!!)although the oldest gave me a run for my money. My younger daughter Jazz has said that she "feels" different about her daughters - # 2 is so much easier, so much more hers - simply due to the way they bonded. My oldest has said the same thing about her son .

What I found interesting was that it was the 2nd child in both cases. Which makes me think that no matter what,or who we are; we are ourselves different from the first child to the second. Plus there is the dynamics of being 1, 2 , 3 , 4 any given family.. throw that in with D's history and the road is going to be rocky.

I know that with repetition, and love you'll both be fine! She is very fortunate!

Redneck Diva said...

When Kady was born I felt virtually no connection her whatsoever. I look back at pictures of when she was a newborn and I looked miserable. My family said they worried so much about the fact that there appeared to be no bond between us whatsoever. I don't remember much about that time, I have effectively blocked it out, but I do remember holding her up once under the arms, looking at her squarely in the face and thinking, "What the HELL have I done???" Now, she is such a precious joy and I love her more than life itself and eventually we bonded and found our niche with each other. You will with Destiny, too. It'll just take time and circumstance and your relationship will be stronger for it.

Plus, three is such a hard age for any parent to endure! I'd rather take a Terrible Two any day over a Tiresome, Torturous, Terrifically Terrible Three!

I tell my kids all the time, "It's a good thing I love you because right now I. DON'T. LIKE. YOU!" LOL It's parenting, it's rough, it's hard, it's exhausting and it's f**king awesome. Hang in there, kiddo - you're doing a great job.

halo said...

Honey, honestly, my youngest gets on my nerves so bad I have to send him to his rrom for a few minutes so I can calm down. Him and I have ALWAYS had a rough time. I have never been real close to him, though Im not sure why. I love him to death, yeah, but still, he just tweaks my buttons so easily. The bond between him and I never really forged. He cried ALL the time and since he has ADHD, he was never satisified with anything for longer then 2 minutes.

Hes my biological son, sweetie, and I feel exactly the same wya you do at times. Its natural I guess to bond easier with the ones who cause you the least amount of stress. Dont beat yourself up to badly over it.

I hope all works out for your family and that little boy. Sounds like you guys have alot of love to give.

Hugssss sweetie.

MamaKBear said...

OH MY GOD....You guys!! I have never had a response like this from something I posted before. I really wasn't expecting it either...when I wrote this post, I was basically trying to get the shit that's been in my head and on my mind for a few weeks now OUT, thinking maybe I would feel better.

I do feel better....but not because of getting it all out (though that definitely helped!)...but because of your comments, every one of them! I no longer feel alone in feeling the way that I do. Y'all have made me realize I'm perfectly normal to be having these feelings, and more than one of you reassured me that it will change over time. Thank you all so much for understanding! It really means a lot to me, and I love you all!

I do still need a break...We have gone out a few times, just us without the kids, but only for a few hours or so. I think I need a weekend away from them to be honest. Don't know when I'd be able to pull that off.

If nothing else, I need a girls' night out...but I don't have any girls to go out with.

Anyway, you guys just don't have any idea how much better you've made me feel about the situation with me and Destiny, and just everything in general. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!!!

Aims said...

Poor you. I don't have children but I am sure most parents go through similar feelings/times of frustration. And you seem to have so much on your plate right now so don't be so hard on yourself.

I hope you get through this soon.

Robert van de Walle said...

It's pretty amazing when we find where our love for wee ones bumps into our own needs and love of self.

Keep up the excellent work, loving your children and loving yourself.

Chickie said...

I have 2 stepsons (they were 4 & 6 when we met. 9 & 11 now) A couple of years ago I freaked out because they'd get on my nerves, just their voices bugged me, and I was all worried that I was just evil and felt this way because they weren't "mine". My husband finally pestered what was bothering me out of me and when he confessed that they got on his nerves too sometimes, I felt much better.

ShyRocket said...

Great sharing... nobody will love you any less for sharing your feelings and thoughts like this. I know you are a great mom from your blog and I share many of the same feelings when raising my kids. Part of the territory, we figure it out, then we move on.

Hey thanks for dropping by my blog this week... feel free to drop by again for a major write about sexual UNassertiveness! Interested to hear your opinions. Bye!

Fidget said...

You ar being too hard on yourself. Both my children came from my womb and make me want to tear my hair out. Mira is 3.5 and it has been SO hard to deal with her. I often want to lock myself in teh bathroom and cry for hours because she just doesn't "Get it" Her baby sister who is 2 can comprehend and follow instructions (when she chooses too) better than Mira. If you have a YMCA facility near you as part of a family membership they will watch your kids for up to 2 hours while you are using the facilities. You can work out, attend weight watchers, hell you can HIDE in teh womens locker room for 2 hours - they dont care! LOL It can be a little pricey BUT if you ask for a scholarship form and fill it out honestly they can reduce teh price based on your family earns and how you spend your money. AT one point we had a scholarship and they cut the cost in half, enabling us to be members. I find that 2 hours away from the kids during an anyways rough time pof teh day is a HUGE blessing for my mental well being

Redneck Diva said...

Well, then I vote that before long a bunch of us NE Okie bloggers make the drive towards you and we'll meet in the middle and have a GNO! Sounds like fun to me anyway!

Shannon said...

OH you are doing great!! Its a hard job being a mommy, but its the best! It will get better.
Take care! :) Ya, like Diva said, maybe we can meet half way---maybe a GDO girls day out!!

mdrock said...

I have to echo most of the other comments here MkB my dear, welcome to parenthood. Some days you love them all so much it hurts, some days you just want to sell them off for medical experiments. You took on alot all at once and you are bound to have doubts and frustrations and second guesses.

The key is to not make judgments or come to conclusions based on the short term, i.e., what happened on this day, or even this week. Instead, try to keep your eye on the big picture. Ask yourself, at a high level, am I truly happier now? Are the kids better off? Are we moving toward the life I really want? If the answer to these questions, taking into accout all that has happened over the last year, is still "yes", then you are still on track. If the answer is "some days I'm not sure" then once again, welcome to parenthood. If the answers come up "no" then I would start to be concerned.

She will not be 3 forever and all kids go through phases, and so do their parents...

Chris said...

Oh sweetie, I have the same problem with my youngest step-son. It's normal, and you are a wonderful Mom. *hugs*

Kim said...

I had to laugh because when Lullah was 3 I was wishing she'd came with a money back guarantee. Terrible twos my foot. 3 sucked. There were days when I just wanted to lock myself in a closet just be left alone. Thankfully, around the end of 3 things changed.

Now, there have still been days that I've felt like a horrible person because, qutie frankly I couldn't stand to be around her. But I still loved her.

You'll be fine.

Jillian said...

Your doing great! As parents I think we have all had these feelings. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!

Boobabe said... have so much on your plate. It's normal to experience these things. Maybe making a littlealone time for you and Destiny where you can spend non stressful time together. She is probably feeling it too. The other thing you need is regular alone time. Just for you. Also some adult time. Time with a friend or MrK with no kids.

You are not a bad mom. You are a normal, overwhelmed mom. Remember, you didn't have 9months with each child getting used to the idean of it all. You started out with a ready made family. Give Destiny a and yourself a pat on the back. ( frozen mudslide may be in order too)

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