Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween to all my wonderful blogger friends! Have a safe night! We will be taking the girls and my niece and nephew trick-or-treating. I will be sure to post pictures later! Not sure yet what Meghan will be....either Tigger, a ladybug, or Mickey Mouse. Destiny is going to be Tinkerbell...or "Binkabell" as she says. :)


Happy Halloween Comments for Myspace

Breaking Point

Do y'all remember back in August when I said I had literally lost my best friend? I'd had a post in draft that I'd started working on, but never finished it or posted it, obviously. It was just one of those things I didn't want to get into too much on here, so I've been quietly dealing with it on my own. Well, no more! What follows is what I wrote to her in a handwritten letter, with thoughts of mailing it to her parents' house, where I know she'd eventually get it. I haven't mailed it yet...it seems I have more stuff to say due to new happenings. Your thoughts and opinions are welcome. Oh yeah, I'm going to include her actual first name. (but not her last because I'm not stupid...I don't wish any harm to her!) I just don't care anymore. Well, that might not be entirely true, but this way if she ever googles herself she'll find this post even if I don't end up mailing this letter to her. Also, the particular incident I refer to in the letter occured just the weekend before I ended up in the hospital with appendicitis. Which by the way, she didn't know about...or MrKB's Mom having her brain tumors...that happened the weekend AFTER my surgery. Shitty few weekends there, lemme tell ya! I'm going to type the letter in red, because it represents how I've felt all this time. I will put additional comments to help explain to y'all various parts in my normal purple color.

Dear Matoaka, October 20, 2006

I'm writing this letter because I've had a lot of things on my mind, and I never seem to have the chance to sit down and talk to you about them. Kinda hard to do anyway since I've only seen you the one time in the past two months. (After she really screwed up royally, we didn't see or hear from her for that long.)

First of all, let me say a few things about what happened that last weekend that you and Nick were here. Now, while we can't prove whether it was you OR Nick who took ALL THE CASH WE HAD LEFT, but we do know that y'all pretty much went straight from here to the dope dealer's house. Also, you told us, "We're going to my Daddy's to see my boys and get some money, then we'll bring back something to eat." Yeah...you never went to your Dad's...he wasn't even expecting you at all! We went by there when we were looking for y'all after discovering the money gone. (We found the money missing only about 30 mins. after they left.) It was over $150.00 by the way!! Your Dad said that you hadn't even called or anything, and that he hadn't seen or heard from you in a few days!

ANYWAY...finally we got ahold of you on the phone...first when we confronted you about the money, you tried to say that "Well, maybe you dropped it somewhere." There was just no possibility of that, since the money was in his (MrKB's) jeans pocket, which were lying beside our bed on the floor where he'd taken them off at. The money was there when he reached in the pocket to get his lighter, and neither one of us touched them again until we went to get money for the pizza guy after y'all left. If it had been "dropped" it would've been right there by our bed. Of course, when we told you this, you were busted! You then said, "I'll call you back." You didn't until a day or two later, and THEN you were full of apologies for this happening and said that you'd try to bring us some money the next day...after that, we didn't see or hear from you again until this last weekend!
(Yeah, and then she says she'd been too embarrassed to call us, and that her boyfriend Nick was "Out of her life...completely out of her life." More on THAT in a bit.)

I've gotta tell you, that I don't trust anyone anymore because of what happened, NOBODY except for my husband and my family. My trust in people was already paper-thin, and then...damn. I've never been so hurt and angry in my entire life!!

Matoaka, you and my husband have been friends for over 20 YEARS...you and I have been best friends for almost 10 years. The way you've acted towards us has made us both feel like our friendship doesn't mean that much to you at all. I guess if we can't do anything for you...namely, get you high...then you don't have any use for us.

Our friendship can MAYBE still be saved, but coming over after being gone for two months, then taking off with some other "friend" is not the way to do it. AGAIN you said you were coming back, and you didn't. I KNEW you weren't going to be back over as soon as he (MrKB) told me that you took all of your stuff with you! That's how it's always been, and I'm tired of it!! If you don't want to come back over, fine, then don't!! Just SAY so. Don't make us get worried that something awful happened to you. Quit making me feel so hurt!

Then, he talked to you on Tuesday. He told me that you PROMISED you'd call back in a bit. Surprise, surprise...Wednesday and Thursday have come and gone, and nothing. (She actually didn't call again until the 27th, a week after I wrote this letter.)

Matoaka, despite everything that's happened, I love you and I want things to be right between us again, but you have to want it too, and right now it doesn't seem like you do. Like I said, showing up at our place for a few hours and taking off somewhere else is not the way to fix it.

It's up to you now. Please, no more lies, and no more bullshit. If we mean anything to you, and you TRULY want to be a part of our lives again, you've got to show some real effort and sincerity. (When she'd finally called after two months, she left messages on our machine begging and crying for us to let her back in our lives.) I can't take being hurt anymore, Matoaka...I just can't. If DECADES of friendship really means anything to you, prove it!! Be a true friend.
~Dana~

(Added October 30th) Well, you've done it again. This time we get a call Friday afternoon from you saying that you and your youngest would like to come over and stay the night, spend some time with us and our girls. We had someplace to go for a couple hours that evening, but told you we'd come by and pick you up after. We get to your parents' house to pick y'all up, and you come out and tell us that you're going to go to some haunted house thing, and is it alright if you come over after? We say, "Fine, ok." You again PROMISED (you even said "Scout's honor"!) and I asked you at least twice if you were definitely coming over, and you said yes, that you'd be there in about an hour and a half. I was still doubtful that you would, but hopeful that maybe this time you would keep your word, and not just blowing smoke up my ass.

By the way, while my husband stood on the porch and talked to you while I waited in the van with the girls, who comes walking by from around the side of the house?? Fucking Nick!! The same one who you claimed was "Out of your life, COMPLETELY out of your life." More lies, apparently. I guess you just love having a guy around that is SUCH good people, with the beating on you and shit. Or is that even more lies? I can't believe anything you say anymore.

So we went back home and waited. I figured you probably wouldn't actually be here in an hour and a half like you said you would, but that was okay. Then it got to be like 1:30a.m. Yeah...I could be pretty much 100% positive that you weren't coming at that point. Of course, true to form, you didn't at least pick up a damn phone and call to say "Change of plans" or SOMETHING. Oh, no...apparently we're not worth the effort of a fucking phone call. Not even a call today! No "I'm sorry I didn't make it, and I would've called but it was very late" or anything.

Do you know how hard I cried last night??? How my heart just felt like it was breaking to a million pieces because my supposed best friend doesn't seem to care at all about anybody but herself?? That she's essentially throwing away the friendship of two people who have cared about her, helped her through rough times, been there for her, and watched her boys grow up?? And for what?! I'm willing to bet real money that it was so you could hang with your "friends" that can get you high. If you're making ME feel this badly, I shudder at the thought of how your two children must feel!

SO...ya know what? FUCK YOU!! I am DONE. I'm NOT doing this anymore. Get your life together and your freaking priorities straight. I'm not helping you anymore. Since you can't be there for me...I'm no longer gonna be here for you. Have a nice life.

Hiya! :)

Bet y'all have been wondering where I've been, huh? Well, I've been computerless for the last week! Either the battery (I didn't even know computers HAD batteries!) or my motherboard decided to bite the dust...not sure exactly which one yet. Good thing I have my Daddy to fix my 'puter for me when it acts up, otherwise I'm sure I'd be getting ripped off by some shop somewhere! I actually have a different computer now, but it's got my hard drive in it...thankfully it wasn't the hard drive that crashed...I've got tons of pictures of the girls on it from the last year and a half. I haven't had a CD burner so I could put them on disk, but now I do since this computer has one! Yippee!!! Yeah, now I have the daunting task of organizing all the pics and burning them to disk. That should keep me busy for quite awhile!

Anyway....Thank you so much for all the nice comments on the new pictures! :) I knew y'all would like them! And yes, I was absolutely THRILLED to be able to get them done with all four of the girls! My stepdaughters have taken to visiting in the summer one at a time instead of both of them, since they're at the age where they can't stand each other for long. They weren't too bad while they were both here for a week, they bickered quite a bit, but it just reminded me of my sister and me at that age. I couldn't stand my sister then either, and she couldn't stand me. Ah, memories! LOL

Can you believe how tall my youngest stepdaughter is?!? She towers over her sister already, and she's definitely going to be taller than me if she keeps growing. We're both 5'7" now! She's taller than her Mom too....must get her height from MrKB....he's just a quarter-inch shy of being 6'.

The oldest one...I told y'all she's gorgeous! She knows it too, which worries her Daddy to death, especially now that she has a 17 yr old boyfriend! I worry too, but I know that we've got to trust her to make good decisions. When we were in Texas, MrKB caught them making out in her bedroom, and he was NOT happy! (The door was open.) I told him to think back to when we were their age...we did it too! And making out is not the same as actually having sex. He's like, "Yeah, but I'm a guy and I know what guys that age are after!" I said, "Yeah, well, don't mean they'll get it...they didn't from me, and believe me they tried!" (At least they didn't get it when I was 15 yrs old!!) It all comes back to the fact that we're gonna have to trust her.

My Mom-in-law is doing good. She got the staples out the other day (33 by the way!) and stopped by yesterday. She said she felt really good, and I'm glad. Part of her not feeling well was the fact that she's had problems sleeping. She got her first good night's sleep the night before and could really tell the difference in how she felt. She has had a few problems since the surgery, though. Apparently she's lost control of her legs a few times, and has fallen. They give out on her, or she just can't move them. We think that maybe the other large tumor might be being more active now that the one in the front is gone. We just have to hope it doesn't start causing major problems before her next surgery. Doctors are already talking about doing the surgery sometime in November, instead of December, since she's been recovering so well. I know that we will all be glad when the tumors are all gone, but nobody will be as glad as Mom!

Got a call last night from an "adoption transition caseworker", or something like that...she's going to come out for a visit Friday afternoon. Progress is going slowly, but at least it's happening! We've had some visits from different workers that have to do with the adoption already, and we've had our home assessment done. That went good, wasn't much to do since we'd been assessed before to be foster parents to them in the first place. We still need to get our physicals done. We haven't yet since this time we have to pay for it out of our pockets, and we just haven't had a chance to get to the doctor's office. I need to call the doctor anyway, since Meghan needs to have shots. I dread shot time, so have been procrastinating on that too.

That's about all the news I can think of for now! Hope y'all are doing good. Thanks again for the nice comments on the pictures...y'all made me smile! :)

PICTURES!!!

I know y'all have been waiting (impatiently!) for these pics, so....here ya go! By the way, I've never posted pics of my stepdaughters before. The tall one is actually my youngest stepdaughter...she'll be 14 next month. Shorter one is my oldest stepdaughter...she is 15 going on 25! :)

It's My Blogiversary!!!

So here I am, one year later! Happy Blogiversary to me! When I started this blog, Meghan was 6 months old. (In the pic above, she's not quite 6 months, but close enough!) I thought having a blog would be a really good way to keep track of her milestones, 'cuz we know that we Moms don't go running for the baby book each and every time, do we?? I have a record on here of firsts I wanted to remember for her baby book, complete with pictures. :) I also started writing this blog to have sort of a record of our adventures in foster parenting and DHS battles. We've had some drama, haven't we? Thanks to all my loyal readers who've been following the whole saga...I know I'm probably really boring at times, but you still come around to visit! :)

Today Meghan is 18 months old, and I can't believe how much she's grown and changed! Time really does fly. She's into everything now, and is starting to get more and more independent every day. She makes me laugh all the time with the funny stuff she does, and it's such a delight to see her discover new things that she can do. :)

As for me, I hang in there...staying sane! (With a little help from Jose every now and then!) A couple days ago I was playing around with my nephew, and ended up kicking our metal chair and damn near breaking my pinky toe! Had to take some pics to commemorate the occasion...




















Looks painful, huh? Trust me, it is! It's been two days since I did it and it's still bruised real good and I can't wear my shoes except for flip-flops or my slippers. Then last night we went out to dinner and when Destiny was jumping out of the van, guess where she landed?? Yup, right on my sore foot!!! I clenched my hand around hers real tight when she did it, and I let go of her and told her she better go to her big sister...I was afraid I'd lash out and hurt her! Thankfully she didn't land on the most painful spot, or I wouldn't have still been standing. It made me cry for a few minutes, then we went in to eat and I ordered a great big ol' strawberry margarita to ease the pain! Hehehe...

Waiting for MrKB to get home from work now so we can go and get those pictures done. My stepdaughters go back home to Texas tomorrow, and I'm really going
to miss them! They've been a big help with their little sisters. Every morning this week I've been able to sleep in, and when I got up the little ones were up and dressed and had breakfast! I could get used to that, but alas, the big girls go home tomorrow. :(

Have a great weekend, and a good Friday the 13th! Happy Blogiversary to Me! :)

Mom Is Home! :)

Mom came home from the hospital today! I was surprised when MrKB told me she would be home, because we were told to expect her to spend at least two weeks in the hospital. Then again, we were told she'd be in ICU for at least 3 days, and she only spent 1 day there...guess Mom was determined to get out of there ASAP!

She is doing very well...much, MUCH more like the Mom we know and love...just now she's a bald Mom with about 37 staples in her head! LOL She's glad to be home, even though she's still in significant pain. She described going through this surgery as "going to hell and back", and is not sure she's going to go in for another surgery to get the rest of the tumors. I guess I can understand her being apprehensive about going through this again, but it's gotta be done! I have a feeling she will end up going, but only because the rest of the family is gonna make her go!

My two beautiful stepdaughters are here for a week! We told Mom and Dave that Patrick and Angelica were gonna HAVE to stay somewhere else for the week, since we'd have ALL FOUR of our girls here, and there's not enough room for six kids in our apartment. MrKB's Uncle has them at least for the week, thank goodness...cooking for six people is bad enough...I don't wanna cook for EIGHT! LOL

It's really nice having the girls here...they are 15 and 13, so we've got built-in babysitters for a week!!! LOL j/k....we don't expect them to spend all their time here babysitting their younger sisters. They did watch them for us for a few hours Saturday night so we could get away for awhile. They understood that we've just been crazy busy having our niece and nephew here for the last six weeks and we haven't had any time for ourselves. Today we just all hung out together at home and really enjoyed each other's company.

One thing we're definitely gonna do while the big girls are here is take them ALL to have their pictures done together. This is the first time we've had all four of our daughters together....before when my stepkids were here, it was always one or the other of them, not both. I can't wait to have a portrait of all my girls!! :)

Finally!!! I Can Report Some Good News!!!

First, a great big THANK YOU to all of you who kept Mom in your thoughts and prayers!! MrKB, me and our whole family appreciate it more than you could know.

The surgery went VERY well...the tumor they went in after today was about the size of a golf ball, and fortunately had NOT attached itself to any brain tissue whatsoever, which made the neurosurgeons' jobs much easier. Also, as far as can be told right now, it appears to be benign and not malignant as they originally thought. We won't know for certain until after it's been analyzed in the lab. I bet y'all can just imagine our relief!!

MrKB and I didn't get to see her after surgery...she spent a couple hours in recovery and we unfortunately had to leave to pick up her kids from school before she was transferred to ICU. We plan to go back up to the hospital in a few hours after we both get some much needed rest. I'll be sure to update you guys on her condition when I get back. Last we heard, she was still a bit sedated.

THANK YOU again for all the prayers, positive thoughts, and support! You guys ROCK! :)

*update* We didn't end up going back to the hospital to see Mom tonight. She is in a lot of pain right now, and her head is hurting her so badly she has requested complete silence in her room and is not up for a bunch of visitors. We will be going to see her tomorrow after MrKB gets home from work.

It's been a very long, emotionally exhausting day. The kids and MrKB are all in bed now, and I'm going to stay up just a bit longer and enjoy the quiet. :)

Brain Surgery Scheduled!! Please Pray!!!

Yeah...so we just got back a little bit ago from taking the kids up to the hospital to see Mom. Thankfully, she is basically the Mom we all know and love, thanks to getting some much needed necessary medication. She looked great and felt great! A whole 360 degree change from the state she was in Friday evening.

Anyway, we were all there when the neurosurgeon came in to talk to Mom. She will be having surgery on Wednesday morning at 7:30a.m. It is expected to take 4-6 hours. They will be trying to remove the largest tumor on her brain at this time, then she will be in ICU for maybe a week. Then comes about two months of recovery, and after that they will go in for a second surgery on the next tumor. The largest one is in the front of her head and is the one causing most of her problems right now so it is the one they want to address first.

I am so scared, y'all. I may come across as being strong, and maybe I am...but inside I am just a scared little girl who's falling to pieces! There was a guy the same age as I am (34) who just passed away after having brain surgery for cancer. He went into a coma and never came out of it. I am absolutely terrified of this happening to Mom!

Please, PLEASE...pray to whatever God, Goddess, or whoever you believe in, and if you can get anyone you know to pray for a perfect stranger, please do!! It means so much to us and our family...THANK YOU!

Okay...I think I'm gonna break down and cry....I don't feel very strong right now.

More Stuff on Mom...

Mom was taken to the hospital by ambulance on Friday...Aunt found her unresponsive so called them. She came around a little, and went through another CT scan and MRI. They showed little to no change in the tumors, but she had some fluid build up in her head. When asked by two different neurologists what year it was, both times she said "2007" and then "2009". She also thought Gore was the President. It was an emotionally exhausting day for us, as we spent most of it there at the E.R. waiting to hear some sort of news on Mom's condition.

She was admitted to the hospital again, and on Saturday was doing much better. It turned out she'd also been having mild seizures, and after being given 1000 mg of Dilantin, along with anti-nausea and pain meds she was a lot more herself. She at least on Friday recognized most of us who were there...all her brothers and sisters, their spouses, MrKB, me and her husband, and even my Daddy came up there. When she recognized MrKB and he went to give her a hug, they both started crying and just held each other for a long time. It took all I had not to break down myself...I'm fighting the tears now as I type this. I couldn't have asked for a better mother-in-law and I love her so much that sometimes it feels like it's my own Mom who's so sick!

Anyway, she is going to have surgery...we will find out today exactly when, and they are going to try and remove three of the tumors and relieve some of the pressure on her brain. One of them is in the occipital part of the brain, or on the occipital nerve...I can't remember...which would explain the problems she's been having with her vision. When she goes for this surgery, she will need the prayers and positive thoughts more than ever y'all. Brain surgery....damn....it scares me so much!!! I'm so scared she won't make it through, or she will but won't know any of us anymore or worse.

Her kids are still with us. We sat them down over the weekend and let them know just how sick she really is...we told them about the tumors, the surgery, everything. We didn't want to be the ones to tell them, but we felt it was time for them to know. We didn't want the worst to happen, and lose Mom without them having a clue, it would just make things worse. So now they know, and they know that there's the possibility she might not make it through the surgery itself, though we told them that's the case with any surgery. We told them to pray and send out positive thoughts, and that she has a lot of people thinking of her, praying for her, and that the angels are watching over her too. My niece cried some, but my nephew didn't...he asked a lot of questions, and you could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he processed all this information. He's got a way of trying to sort things out logically as he tries to make sense of things. I don't think it will really hit him until he actually sees Mom in the hospital himself. They are going to see her today sometime.

We were going to take all the kids to see her on Saturday, but some asshole slashed a tire on our vehicle, and the only spare we had was a tire that was already bad and separating. Oh, MrKB was PISSED, lemme tell ya! I was not happy either, of course. I mean, geez...what else is gonna be dumped on us?!? We don't have any extra money floating around for crap like this! We had to go to Wal-Mart anyway, and we checked tire prices while there...cheapest one was close to $51, and now we needed two. Mentioned it to my Mom yesterday on the phone, and even though my folks are pretty cash strapped right now theirselves, she insisted on getting the tires for us, because after all, her grandbabies ride around in that vehicle! At least she could put them on her credit card...all we use is cash, no credit cards here.

Long sigh....

I do have a bit of good news though! MrKB talked to his Dad yesterday, and he is doing pretty good right now. His doctors say his cancer is doing better...it's slowed down significantly, which is good. He said his legs are the only thing really bothering him right now, but that is from diabetes and not the cancer. He was in good spirits and he and MrKB talked on the phone for quite awhile. They usually don't talk more than a few minutes usually.

MrKB also talked to his daughters in Texas for awhile too. He told them what's been going on with Mom, so now they know also. He says my oldest stepdaughter sounded upset when he told her, but the youngest started crying on the phone. The good news is that they are fixing to be on their Fall Break from school next week. MrKB talked for a long time to his ex-wife also (which is just about unheard of! LOL) and told her what's been going on...she said she wondered about the smaller child support payments that she'd received, though she wasn't concerned. Well, SHE'S the one that mentioned the girls were going to be out of school, and said that we could come get them so they could spend the time with us here in Oklahoma! She said she wants them to get to see their Grandma too...which in itself was a shock...long story short, she's never wanted to allow them to see her before. MrKB's Mom has almost NO relationship whatsoever with them due to some falling out between her and their Mom when the girls were very little. At any rate, we will be traveling down to Texas to pick them up probably this next Saturday. :) We will have them for maybe a week, we're not sure yet.

Hey Monica!!! We could maybe meet up somewhere when we pick them up, or maybe when it's time to take them back home. Email me if you think you wanna... We could do lunch! :)

As for me, I'm still hanging in there...

On Being a Mom...

I found this the other day over at my friend Bekah's, and I just had to repost it here myself. I'm also gonna show y'all the newest pics of my girls along with it.

On Being a Mom

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her.

I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?"

That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her! That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be running into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However, decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her children accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.

I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.

"You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Moms.

May you always have in your arms the one who is in your heart.


Now, with all that being said...here are the ones that are deeply in my heart, even if they didn't come from my womb...I am still the one they know and call "Mommy."
Enjoy these new pictures, taken just two days ago. :)















Look how much she's grown since her 1st birthday back in April! Size 18 months clothes barely lasted her the summer, she's already getting into 2T's! Good thing she's got hand-me-downs from big sister Destiny. :)

Damn...

I went over to my Mom's for a bit and left MrKB home with four kids by himself for a change. It's SO quiet over there! But when I got home, there was more bad news about his Mom.

Apparently, today she's had the worst day yet. She again is not able to see, and now she's lost control of her bowels, which I imagine means her body is starting to shut down. She still has no medical care whatsoever....it's like the ER can tell her, "Well, you've got some tumors in your head and looks like you have lung cancer too, but other than telling you about it we can't really help you since you have no money." Such bullshit! I wonder how many people die waiting like she is to MAYBE get some help.

They had applied for emergency Medicaid with a referral from a doctor MrKB's Aunt has been seeing for her own cancer...get this...Mom's husband makes just $200/month too much for her to qualify!!!!! I'm so mad, and sad, and upset that I just want to SCREAM!

They've been married for over 17 years and are going to DIVORCE just so Mom can get some medical care. Ain't that a bitch?? I can't believe this country...it's just freakin' unbelievable that citizens of a country as rich as ours suffer like this. I really hope the next President we have does something about it.

This much we DO know...if she doesn't get treatment, she's been given about two months to live. Which means she wouldn't make it to her next birthday in December, or Christmas, or to see the girls be adopted.

Damn....I feel so helpless....

Wow...10 Days Already??

Since my last post?? Damn, I HAVE been busy, haven't I? It's a wonder my head is still attached to my shoulders, 'cuz I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off these days.

First of all...Mom...yeah...not looking good. She is still feeling really bad most of the time and still gets headaches. She sleeps a lot. There's also been additional...ummm...I guess you'd call them "symptoms". One day she couldn't see anything. Not like total darkness not seeing, but she couldn't tell what ANYTHING was. She's also been having a lot of double vision. Also, one day our Aunt who she's staying with found her passed out in the sink in the bathroom. She's been doing strange things too....like the day she just suddenly got up from the couch out of a dead sleep and went to walking around outside. When our Aunt asked her what she was doing, she looked dazed and confused as she said, "I don't know."

Still no official date for any kind of surgery. We're still waiting for financial assistance...docs won't do anything until then. Found out just one surgery is going to cost a MINIMUM of $100,000!! That's right. One. Hundred. THOUSAND. Good grief! Yeah, and while we wait, she gets worse. Prayers and good vibes are desperately needed, y'all! I'm so worried that something terrible will happen and we'll lose her before she can get the help she needs to possibly get better. (Odds of her getting completely better are slim, I know, but we're not ready to let her go yet. I want her to be able to be around to see these girls be adopted, for one thing.)

Her kids are still here with us. It's been 3 weeks as of last Thursday, and I'm ready for them to go home. I love them dearly, but they aren't my kids and I've got enough to deal with already. Don't get me wrong, I will help out and take care of them as long as I'm needed. I do it because I love my Mother-in-law. Doesn't mean I have to like it though.

NOW...moving on...looks like finally something else is happening with the adoption process. We have a caseworker coming out to the house on Thursday for the home assessment. Which means I will be cleaning like a mad lady over the next couple of days. There is a problem, though. A few days ago the ceiling in Des' room starting leaking. Turns out a hot water heater from another apartment was leaking and traveled down to our place. (didn't come from directly upstairs either, go figure.) So right now there's a giant hole in the ceiling where the maintenance man cut out sheetrock, and there's a nasty smell in the room now. I'm guessing they're gonna have to pull up the carpet in her room now and replace it. I am going to talk to the manager after I pick the kids up from school and let her know we're having the home assessment done on Thursday, so they need to get people here to fix this shit a.s.a.p. We can't even let Destiny sleep in her room right now, much less play in it because it stinks so badly. I hope this doesn't cause problems with things as far as the adoption goings on.

That's the major news in my life right now....I'm just taking it day by day, trying to hold on to my sanity.

I'm Still Alive...

Though I am freaking EXHAUSTED!

MrKB's Mom has been sick every day since she went to the hospital. She spent a couple of days in the hospital while doctors ran a crapload of tests, and then basically kicked her out for not having insurance. So she's still been staying with MrKB's Aunt and Uncle, and we are all just waiting to hear SOME sort of news. We don't even know the results of all the tests!! She is supposed to see a different doctor today, so hopefully I'll have something new to report soon...I dunno.

Her kids have been living with us for just over two weeks now, and I don't know how long they will continue to stay with us. They keep asking when they will go back home, and all we can tell them is that we don't know. In the meantime, I have been the one taking them back and forth to school, which I hate, because it means I have to be up way earlier than I'd like...especially on Tuesdays and Wednesdays because my nephew has tutoring before school and has to be there at 7 freaking 30 a.m.! Bleh!!! I not only have to get those two up and ready every morning, but there's my own two also, because of course I have to get them dressed and load 'em up in the carseats and take them along.

Cooking for six people every night really sucks too....especially since I HATE to cook, and ordering out is not an option since MrKB missed so much work the last couple of weeks. His paycheck last week was only $37 after taxes and child support got taken. I hate being so broke....we've actually started arguing about money lately...something we've never really done before.

My niece was a brat yesterday morning and royally pissed me off. She's grounded today because she ended the day pissing me off as well. Not a good idea to majorly piss me off first thing in the morning, and then for her to go and do it right before bedtime...GRRRRR! I tell you what, those two had better wise up and QUIT FUCKING LYING TO ME about all kinds of stuff!!! They've both been caught in lies every time they've tried and still haven't got a clue. And now they wonder why I don't believe a word out of their mouths! Well, duh!! I will ask questions of your teachers when it comes to school....I WILL find out the truth of whatever the situation is, so make all our lives easier and just tell the truth in the first place, kiddo...even if you get in trouble, you'll be in a lot less than you would be if I find out you lied to me!

Oh yeah...she also got completely banned from picking Meghan up for any reason for a long, LONG time. Remember when she dropped her while trying to put her over the baby gate?? Well, the other night her and Meghan were both in here in the living room playing. Niece kept picking her up every 2 or 3 minutes even after being repeatedly told not to pick her up so much by both me and the hubby. Well, she kept doing it, and ended up dropping her AGAIN...This time on her head!! The back of it, but still. (Meghan is okay, thankfully, but lord how she screamed!) Oh, she was in SO much trouble!

My nephew hasn't been too bad the last few days...but then again, he's been grounded for almost a week now. Grounded in our house is a whole lot different than it is at his Mom's house! All he's been allowed to do is stay on his bed and read. Period. No TV, no video games, nothing. We'll see how long the good behavior lasts when he's ungrounded...but he still won't have his video games since he is already FLUNKING the 5th grade and it's still just the first quarter!! The boy has a 28 average in math!! He brought home math homework Monday night, and he sat at the table for 4 freaking hours and didn't get a single problem done!! He refuses to seriously TRY to even do it...and it's not math that is all that hard...it was division, like 32 into 2,348 or something. Math is not all he's failing...the only real passing grades he has are in Music and Gym for fuck's sake. Yeah, so no video games until his grades are all brought up to at least a C average. D's are not acceptable any longer. (They never were to my parents at all, but his have let them slide since they were at least passing grades.)

Top it all off with not having sex lately, thanks to a particularly nasty yeast infection from all the antibiotics that were loaded into my body after surgery. TMI, I know! Yeesh...I haven't had one in years, and MrKB and Aunt BOTH had to go and say I might get one 'cuz of the antibiotics, so I blame them!! Fun stuff.

Sorry if it seems I'm just complaining in this post. I am tired. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, and it's got me in a funk big time. I'm frazzled, stressed, worried about Mom-in-law, and just life in general sucks.

I'm glad today is Friday...I'm SO finishing off that tequila that's in my freezer tonight!

2,996 My Tribute In Honor and Memory of Daniel Lugo

September 11, 2001 is a day that will never be forgotten in the minds of many Americans...or the world. "2,996" is a project that was started to bring bloggers together to honor each one of the victims of that awful day. I am proud to be a participant, and to share what little I know of Daniel Lugo, who perished in the World Trade Center at age 45. Parts of this tribute are my own words, and parts are from information I was able to find about Daniel online. My words will be in purple. I've never done something like this before, so please forgive me if I'm not particularly eloquent!

I Remember
Daniel Lugo,45
World Trade Center

DANIEL LUGO
World Trade Center

TOO PROUD NOT TO WORK

Daniel Lugo's asthma was acting up, and his physician had detected the advent of prostate cancer and was debating the most effective course of treatment. Everybody gave him the same advice: leave his job as a Summit security guard at the World Trade Center, and concentrate on getting healthy. But Mr. Lugo, 45, didn't listen.

Instead, he switched from the night to the day shift on Sept. 10 and asked his supervisors to give him lobby duty rather than the usual spot shifts throughout the towers. That was his only concession to his iffy health. He told his sister Eneida Lugo that he had no intention of dozing on the living room sofa collecting disability: "I'm a man," he said, "I need to work."

She cannot remember a time when he was not industrious on all fronts: back in Puerto Rico, their mother had taught him to cook, clean, and fend for himself. A bachelor until a few years ago, when he met his wife, Olga, at a Pentecostal church in Upper Manhattan where he served as a pastor, Mr. Lugo kept up with his mother's lessons. "He even did his own laundry," Mrs. Lugo said. "He was taught that you don't depend on anybody else."

But anybody could depend on him, his sister said.

Profile published in the NEW YORK TIMES on October 12, 2001.

Unfortunately, this was the best as far as information about Daniel that I could come up with...Most sites with his name were lists of all of the victim's names. I did see one place where a couple of people who had known Daniel commented. One gentlemen commented that he had worked with him years before, and remembered him as a kind and gentle soul, who always had a smile on his face.

*edit* I thought there MUST be more I can find out about Daniel, so I did a little digging. I was able to determine that Daniel had a twin brother, David, who misses him terribly. I cannot imagine the pain he must have felt, losing his mirror image. Twins have an extra special bond, and I know that Daniel is probably up in heaven watching over his brother and all his family.

Dear Daniel,
From what little I know about you, I'm sure that I would have been proud to know you, had we ever met. I hope that you are happy wherever you are now, and that you are at peace. Thinking of you during this time...you are not forgotten!
Love,
MamaKBear

*The site for Project 2,996 has unfortunately been shut down due to traffic. Please click here for the complete list of links for all the tributes.*

*please note* This is a sticky post...it will remain at the top for about a week, so it will be easy for other participants in 2,996 to find. Other current posts are below. Thank you for stopping by!

Remembering September 11th

September 11, 2001...it goes down in my mental memory bank as a day in my lifetime to never forget. Has it really been five years since that terrible day??

It was kind of weird, really, for me. I am from Oklahoma City, born and raised, and on the day of the OKC Bombing, I was in bed asleep when it happened. My Mom called early in the morning (early for me, since I worked evenings) and told me to turn on the news. Fast forward to September 11th, it was the same thing! My husband and I were both asleep in bed, and once again Mom called and told us to turn on the news. Talk about deja vu!

We turned on the TV to see the first tower had been hit, and we were just incredulous to hear that an airplane had slammed into it. I remember thinking it must be some sort of freak accident...but then...as we watched on live television, the second tower was hit. It was then that I knew that it was no accident. I got the same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had six years before on the day of the OKC bombing. The same helpless feeling. The same scared-to-death-omg-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening feeling. It's a feeling I hope to never have to feel again!

Like the rest of the nation, and then the world, I spent the rest of the day glued to the images I was seeing on the TV. I thought about a friend of mine...one I only knew online, who at the time was living in New Jersey. I could only imagine the chaos he must be witnessing as people made their way across the Hudson River and streamed into New Jersey. I remember watching in absolute horror as people started to actually JUMP to their certain deaths from high up in the towers. Tears streamed down my face as I thought about the desperation these people must have been feeling to do such a thing. And then...my husband and I, holding hands so tightly our fingers were surely turning white, watched as the first tower fell...and then...the second one. I remember thinking, "My God...the New York skyline will never be the same...New York, America, the WORLD will never be the same!

And we're not. Just as I'd witnessed in Oklahoma City, people immediately came to the aid of their fellow human beings. They came together....to help....to mourn....and to heal. At the time of the OKC bombing, New York reached out to us, sending in crews to help in the search for survivors. This time, it was our turn to help, in any way we could. It always amazes me to see people come together in situations like this. To help, give, and heal...with no thought, and no hesitation....no concern over it being just another stranger, or to race, or religion. In situations like that fateful day in September, it's about compassion for fellow human beings. I see that happening, and I wonder...WHY can we not have peace in the world??

On this day, I remember. I remember Mr. Daniel Lugo, whose tribute you see above is my small part in the project "2,996" which has brought bloggers from all over the world together, each to honor one specific victim with a tribute in their memory. I hope I did Daniel justice with mine. I also remember each of the 2,995 others who were lost on this day five years ago. My heart goes out to each and every one of their friends and family on this difficult anniversary.

Join me in remembering, won't you?

Update.

Mom went into the hospital on Monday. They were going to put her in ICU but decided to give her a regular room for now so that family can come and visit her. We still don't know very much, and they haven't done any surgeries on her yet, possibly will be doing one on Friday. From what I've heard from what MrKB's found out, there is even more than the 3 masses already found. He talked to her this morning, and she herself doesn't know anything. The hospital has been running like a gazillion tests on her, and still has tests to run, but they haven't been telling her the results of any of them. She says her doctor keeps beating around the bush about it, and it's pissing her off. I don't blame her! The not knowing would drive me insane. She talked to the hospital administrator and told him that she can't take the being kept in the dark and that she wants to know everything step by step, not when they finally finish all the freaking tests.

I don't think I've ever had a more stressful few weeks in my life. Hubby is still quite upset, and has broke down a couple times. I haven't cried much yet...I feel like I need to be the strong one this time, for him. He actually said at one point while in tears, "I'm not ready to lose my Mama." He's NEVER called her Mama in all the time we've been together! It really broke my heart to hear my husband, who has always been so strong for me, sound like such a lost little boy! All I could do was wrap my arms around him and hold him close. I can't fix this for him, and I hate it!

On top of everything else, we still have her kids staying with us. Two extra kids (ages 10 and 9) and that means more food to buy...more laundry to do...more overall aggravation. They don't have any idea what all is going on yet, we haven't told them. All they know is that Mom is sick and has to be in the hospital for a bit. I'm guessing they'll be staying with us indefinitely. They have school, and their Dad goes to work hours before they leave and gets off work hours after they get out. Then of course Mom needs him with her at the hospital as much as he can.

Insert big sigh here...

Oh yeah...I got the first couple of bills from my own hospital stay...$866 for anesthesia?!!? WTF?? and something like $349 for the CT scan they did on my belly. Already over $1,000 worth of bills, and that's not counting the ones I'll be getting from the hospital itself....or the doctors....Good grief.

Please...we need all the prayers we can get!! And if you wanna send me money, that helps too! (only halfway joking there...but I don't expect it, really! This is definitely a time when I wish there was such a thing as a Money Tree!)

Anyway, I'll let y'all know when I know....Thank you all for the comments on my last post! Oh, and I'll let you know about the drama filled weekend, sometime soon...that happened the one BEFORE I had my surgery. It was a doozy, lemme tell you. I've had a post about it in draft, but I haven't got around to finishing it yet. I will tell you this much...I literally lost my best friend.

How Much More???

As if we don't have enough drama in our lives already...this weekend is a good example of irony. You know last weekend I spent it in the hospital getting an appendectomy. (I am doing fine, still a little sore, and still can't pick up Meghan or even vacuum the floor, but I'm healing well.) We were supposed to watch my Mom-in-law's kids that weekend, and she ended up watching ours (again!) instead. I felt SO guilty, you wouldn't believe!

Well, THIS weekend, we have her kids so she could have a garage sale without them underfoot. Last night SHE went to the same hospital E.R. that I did, because she has had a horrible headache for two days that she couldn't get rid of. We thought it might be stress, but the doctors there discovered THREE tumors in her head!! MrKB is down right now at his Aunt's house where she spent last night and apparently the family has decided he's the one that should make any of Mom's medical decisions. The doctor wants to talk to him...I'm not sure if it's the one she saw at the E.R. or the neurosurgeon she's going to see on Tuesday.

Don't know if y'all saw the irony of the situation...I just found it ironic that just last weekend she watched our kids while I went to the E.R. and this weekend we are watching hers while she went to the same E.R. She would be staying in the hospital too, but they didn't have any beds available. I guess I lucked out last weekend.

All I know so far is about the 3 masses that were found in her head, and apparently the doctor is wanting MrKB's Aunt and Uncle to wake her up every two hours and check on her.

My question is how much more are we going to have to deal with??? Besides the stuff with the girls, we've also been dealing with watching MrKB's Dad battle cancer. We've watched him deteriorate A LOT in the past year, and don't expect him to make it much past Christmas. Found out recently that MY Granddad has lung cancer...MrKB's Aunt (the same one taking care of Mom now) has also been battling cancer for awhile now. She is stage 4 and doctors don't give her much time left either, but to look at her you wouldn't have a clue she's even sick! So that's 3 people close to us...Now this with Mom! No idea yet if these tumors are cancerous or benign...let's hope they're benign, and they can get them out.

This all just really sucks...and I'm scared.

*edit* Yeah, so he just came back home to let me know what's up....It's definitely fucking cancer...not only in her brain, but apparently her lungs too, which is where the doctors think it started. My poor hubby is trying so hard to keep himself together. Now he has BOTH parents with a cancer diagnosis, and it doesn't look good for either one of them.

Spent My Weekend in the Hospital

Yep, me. In the hospital! Friday I woke up to my belly hurting, and it hurt all day long. Wasn't getting any better, and wasn't a pain I'd had before. Finally, that evening we decided maybe I better go to the E.R. Good thing I did...turned out to be acute appendicitis, and I had my appendix removed around midnight Saturday.

First surgery I've ever had, and I also ended up staying a couple days in the hospital afterwards. My white blood cell count was highly elevated and they had me on IV antibiotics. Besides my appendix being swollen and close to the point of bursting, I also had an infection. Fun weekend...NOT!

I'm at home now, and recovering...just wanted to post real quick and let y'all know. I'll be ok...MrKB is taking off of work tomorrow and was due for his vacation the first week of September, so he's going to see if he can just go ahead and start it early, so he can take care of the kids while I recover from surgery. I can't pick up Meghan or anything right now, which sucks...she doesn't like it either.

Hope y'all had a better weekend than me!

I am SO Freakin' Excited!!!!

So excited I almost can't stand myself!!

Yesterday I was over at MySpace just passing some time....I was bored, so decided to do a search of a couple names of people I know and haven't been in touch with for awhile. First couple I came up with nothing...then I put in the name of a cousin of mine who lives in Maine. I've googled him several times over the years, hoping to find out what happened to him. We lost touch years ago, and it always made me sad.

Well, I FOUND HIM!!!!! That's not the best part, though! We talked until 2:30 am on Yahoo last night, just kinda catching up. We talked about him coming to visit me here in Oklahoma sometime, and he goes "Well, I have the next 11 days off with nothing to do until school starts again." Next thing I knew, we were both checking flight prices online, and then he actually booked a flight, printed out his ticket, and WILL BE HERE TOMORROW!!!! This is BIG, y'all!! Do you realize it's been 21 YEARS since we've seen each other????

Damn, I'm excited!!! I can't freakin' wait!! We're gonna have a blast together!

Yeah, I Know...

I pretty much suck at posting with any kind of regularity lately...but I try! Really I do! The last few days I've been over at MySpace messing around making a new layout. Check it out if you wanna, I'm pretty proud of myself, 'cuz the background pic on the layout code didn't work...it had been removed due to high bandwith usage, so I did my own. I also made my own Contact Table and Online icon thing. I SO rock! LOL I've actually been learning a little bit about HTML stuff while trying different things. You can see my page here and I had so much fun doing mine, that I made an account for MrKB and did a page for him also, that you can see here. Please take a look and let me know what you think! I also made the Contact Table on his, too, as well as the Extended Network banner and the background. Yep, I'm proud! :) (Plus if you go look you'll get to see pics!)

So, anyway...I was reading a few blogs, and I've been seeing lately quite a few bloggers with a button in their sidebar saying they are honoring a particular person who was a victim of September 11th. Chris is the latest one I noticed, so I decided that I would participate also. I will be honoring Daniel Lugo with a post of my own on September 11th. He was 45 years old at the time he was killed at the World Trade Center.

The idea behind this project is to have one blogger post for each of the victims of that day. There were 2,996 victims, so we'll need 2,996 bloggers to commit to posting about a certain person that lost their life. I was number 1,881 to sign up, so we still need a lot more to get involved. Such a simple thing to do, won't you sign up too?? You can go here to read the blog that's been set up about this touching tribute project, and go here to sign up for your own tribute. See my cool button over there ------> with my links in the sidebar? You can get one of those for yourself too. C'mon, y'all...it won't take a lot of time or effort! Please join us in remembering those who died!

As an Oklahoman, from Oklahoma City, who will never forget April 19, 1995 when the Murrah Building was bombed, New York and September 11th touched me deeply, and I am honored to be a part of this project. Won't you be, too?