Monday, February 27, 2006

Does She Know How Much I Love Her?

Okay, so I'm drinking tonight. Destiny was driving me nuts and I started out drinking tequila to relax a bit. I'm feeling pretty good right about now and I've been thinking. (That can't be good!)

Been thinking about how lucky I am to have these two little girls in my life. I really am...I tried for so fuckin' long to have a baby, and it still hasn't happened. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend don't know how lucky they were to be able to have children, and they kept fucking up and not doing what they needed to do to take care of them. You do realize, that between the two of them, there are SEVEN kids...unbelievable!! How can you have that many kids and not do everything you can to take care of them?? How can you take it for granted?? I would feel like the luckiest person just to bring one child into the world.

Seven kids. They don't have a one of them. I just don't understand how God works. Why keep giving people like them kids that they know they can't take care of??? Why deny the ones that want more than anything to have children a baby??

It's not fair.

I know I have two of those kids now, but until they are adopted, they aren't "mine" yet.

I still want the experience of being pregnant, of bringing a child into this world. I want a piece of me and MrKB. Is that too much to ask???

I know my BIL's fuck-up is my gain, at least with two of the kids...the little girls I always wanted, but still...I want a part of me out there.

That said, I've been thinking about how much these two little girls mean to me, and there's a song by Garth Brooks that sums it up:


Sometimes late at night
I lay awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinkin' of
If tomorrow never comes

*Edit* Just so y'all know, I didn't end up drinking the other night. Don't want you to think I'm turning to the bottle to destress all the time. Last night I did drink, and I drank alone, but that's okay. And I am just fine this morning, don't worry! :)


yep, it's me.... said...

well now i just have to meet you

Chris said...

(((mammakbear)))) I love that song, but I like most of Garth's stuff. You are a wonderful Mom, and those girls know how much you love them.

bubbles said...

thtat is a great song. I hope that the tequila wore off ok in the morning. Keep the chin up and try not to drink too much.....just enough to take off the edge! But as long as you are at it....have one for me.... ;)

The Real Kidd said...

Oh MamaK, I have goose bumps.

Tatted said...

My thoughts are with you... This world runs in mysterious ways, as nothing is fair and doesn't often go our way! Take it easy on Jose {tequila}, he is my friend as well and he is not often nice in the end!

MamaKBear said...

Velma: You know, since you're in Texas, that is doable!

Chris: I'm a huge Garth fan, and this song is one of my favorites. I must've listened to it a dozen times last night! ((((((Chris))))))) Thank you, you're such a sweetheart!

Bubbles: One thing about drinking tequila for me is I can drink A LOT of it and still feel fine in the morning. I'm one of the lucky few who never gets hangovers! Oh, and I wait 'til the kids are in bed before I start.

Real Kidd: :) Hope that was a good thing!

Jen: Thank you! Don't worry about me and Jose, we've got an understanding, and he behaves himself...MOST of the time!

Miss Lady Ma'am said...

Ahhh Jose... my husband calls him my other Man since I'm so weak to his temptations! lol

What a touching song. Whether you've given birth or not, you're still a mommy. Whether your brother gets his act together and takes the girls back, you'll still be a mother. The amount of love and care you have for those little girls proves that.

God never puts anything on us that we can't handle. Perhaps now is not the time for you. Stand strong and be patient. He'll give you your hearts desires when you least expect it. Trust me.

From one Mommy to another. :)

Kimberly said...

I agree with miss lady ma'am. God only gives you what you can handle, so he must have a lot of faith in you to give you this. I tell myself "everything happens for a reason" & once you start to believe it, it makes things so much easier. You're in my prayers mama!!

Randi said...

First, I love Garth. Second, people like you can't breed so they can save the unloved. Thank God for people like you.

MamaKBear said...

Miss Lady: Even if BIL gets his act together, he can't have these girls or any of his kids back. He and his g/f lost their parental rights shortly after Meghan was born. As for "my time"...I've tried for 12 long years...when will it be "my time"??? I'm not getting any younger! Thanks so much for your caring words! :)

Kimberly: Thank you! I try to remember that, really I do!

Randi: Guess that's one way to look at it...These little girls were never unloved, just had the misfortune to be born to idiots for parents! (Not me! My BIL!!)

wopanese said...

Hey there! Long time no comment! (lost the link somehow)

Now, wow.. the post - birthing a child, yeah - that's deep, but at least as important is what you give to them after. The filling of a child with part of you doesn't end at birth, it goes throughout their lives. The memories, the love - it's all there, even though sometimes it is really hard to see it. But you probably already know that and these words don't help much... just know that it's true. You may not be connected by genes, but you can still be connected by souls..

goobergirl said...

*giving you a big hug* ... i've missed ya girl :)

Anonymous said...

nice post, I hope someday you can experience the birth of your own child.
Glad to hear you are taking a little time to relax.

SignGurl said...

I can feel your pain all the way here in Michigan. Big Hugs!

lesbopatticakes said...

ya know some days just suck and we get through anyway we can sometimes it's a drink sometimes it's puttiong on our big girls pants and just doing it

nosouthernbelle said...

I'm sure they know how much you love them. There's no doubt in my mind. The rest, why some people get so lucky...yeah, um, I struggle with that one a lot. Check this out:

Found it tonight, and thought I would share it.

kaliblue said...

Hey I understand what your saying Hubb-z & I cannot have children either. It took me ALOOOONG time to except that fact. You are right you are very blessed to have 2 adorable little girls to raise. I think God has special plans for those of us who can not have our very own children. Like with you, you are able to take these little girls and give them a very good life. Maybe that is God's plan with you?. Only he knows. Just sayin :-)

Jay said...

I think that the souls of babies belong to certain parents well before they're born. If those parents can't have the baby themselves, then it's born by someone else and takes a longer route getting to you, but still gets to you.

I know it seems unfair, but by loving them and raising them, they are very much a part of you.

Bekah said...

I have felt that way many times. Why do the ones that don't deserve kids get more than they can handle? I know I have one son, and I am very lucky. My doctor said I was lucky to have had him and that I probaby won't have anymore. Right now I am not in the situation to have one, but one day I would like another.
My ex's sister has three that she never takes care of. Her mom lives with her and she takes care of all the kids. That shit just sucks!